To not transfer my savings to DP

[Calty123]

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. Neither of us had any savings when we first got together. We agreed we wanted to start saving at the same time and built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. Fast forward to now he has around 2k maybe and I have around 10k. I was made redundant and then got pregnant so my only income is now maternity allowance of around £600 a month. He still earns about 2k a month.

DP thinks I should transfer him some of my savings (we do have a joint account but both have separate accounts for savings) and then he would be happy to put his wage into the joint account every month for me to use for food and baby, rather than at the moment I spend all my maternity allowance on food/baby/rent and he doesn’t really contribute that much. He will give me £30 for food here and there if I say I’ve not got anything left for the month but he doesn’t give me his card to go to the shop and it’s always me that goes so I end up paying. If I’m ordering things online for baby he does sometimes pay.

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.
We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Would you transfer some of your savings?
YABU - yes
YANBU - no

[frazzledasarock]

How about you switch it around OP, you pay for the occasional take out and he pays all the costs you currently do.

He should be paying at least his half of the living costs plus the costs for the baby.

You can live without an occasional takeaway, you need nappies and clothes for the baby, you need food and drink for yourself especially if you're breastfeeding.

Why is he not paying for his own expenses currently?

[Folklore9074]

Rather than having a shared account how about splitting expenses that are for shared responsibilities (ie you child, house, food shopping) keep the receipts and pay 50/50 each. You can split bills quickly through Monza. That way he doesn't need to put xx ammount into a joint account each month. Also of course you don't give him half your savings. What a silly idea!

[BalancedIndividual]

If you're having a baby together, why is there even talk of one of you leaving the other...?

When it comes to money, me and my partner both transfer savings between us, as we need to for whatever reason (e.g. not keep all eggs in 1 basket, big purchases, etc..).

[frazzledasarock]

He used up his previous savings and only has £2k savings right now, however he is paying for nothing except the occasional takeaway according to OP.

Shouldn't he have £7k savings by now so where is his money going given he has no outgoings?

[NettleTea]

why should OP be penalised for saving. It seems that before the baby, she and her DP were earning about the same. He had the choice to save during that period, but he hasnt. He has spent it all.
Equally now, OP seems to be spending her £600 on necessities.

I am assuming that OP covered rent and bills while he was out of work? Who knows. It would be interesting to know. It may be why she is pissed off that while she was supporting him and he couldnt be bothered to look for work, that he pissed his savings up too, because it sounds as if he has a spending habit he doesnt want to break.

I am also assuming that theyve moved into her parents house when she became redundant potentially - so again - a period where she likely tightened her belt, but he hasnt built up his savings in that time, nor taken on supporting his partner now she is on maternity. Maybe OP used some of her savings during this time. It looks as if her family have helped out alot - giving them stuff secondhand, giving them somewhere to live

OP. Stay at your parents. This isnt going to end well. He has no intention of supporting his child or you.

[TheSparkleJar]

Absolutely fucking not!

His rationale is bonkers. What if HE leaves YOU? Then you're on a reduced income and he's waltzed off with your savings!

I'd stop making it a thing. He has his account, you have yours. There's no need to compare sizes...

I suppose you run the risk that he starts to out-earn you and then he has a large amount of savings and you don't, but he's a very strange man to ask a new mother on maternity pay for some of her money, especially as he isn't even currently paying for the baby. Is that an out of sight out of mind thing? Because he's not being asked to buy nappies he just thinks the expenditure is zero?

He needs to grow up. You need a partner and a provider right now, not someone who is trying to leach off you while you take care of the baby.

[Guidebutton]

I think, if finances were genuinely shared it would be reasonable to say both their savings should have been impacted by his period of unemployment, but as finances are far from shared, absolutely not.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Does he think you made the baby on your own or........?

[LouHotel]

Dont move in with him OP this has bad news written all over it.

Have you decided what your doing after maternity leave? If your remotely thinking of becoming a sahp I can guarantee he'll want your 10K . Stay at home and out in a CMS claim.

Another poster summed it up, what a chancer.

[flowerbombVR]

Not rtft. This 'd'h sounds like an arshole

[MrKlaw]

you pay your maternity allowance into joint account. He pays wages into joint account. You pay all bills including food etc (no idea why so often this is left out of 'bills'). Whats left is then available for savings.

IMO thats your baseline. What then happens to that savings is a separate discussion. As you're not earning he may consider any spare money to go into his savings. You may prefer a split, or you're ok with that and you revisit once you're back at work and earning

[Youllbeoldertoo]

@Calty123

What’s clear here as he doesn’t see you as a family. Which is a probably the most upsetting. You’re not ready to see he’s not as nice as you think he is, I hope you protect yourself OP as it’s going to get harder with him not easier. Good luck.

[Kissingspines]

Has he realised if you split up he’ll need to find somewhere else to live, pay for his food and bills and pay child support?

[cathybates]

WTF is wrong with these men and why do so many women on MN stand for it?! I’m taking 6 months unpaid leave with our second and DH is paying for everything with his wage. I have about 45k more in savings than him (and soon to be a lot more as I’m selling a flat I own) and he’s not asking for a penny. Until I stopped getting paid we split absolutely everything 50/50 (as we pretty much earn the same). We both put equal amounts into a bills account and all our utilities come out of there, we have a credit card in my name with him as additional user and all household (food, baby stuff, eating out etc) goes on that and then we both pay it equally at end month.

Tell this cocklodger to do one!!!!

[Sarah75Lou]

No way, you need your savings op.

[BLToutanowhere]

He's got his eyes on the door. Don't transfer anything.

You're his family, he pays his way.

[TurquoiseDress]

Wow

Do not transfer a penny of your hard earned savings!

[1WayOrAnother2]

Glad to see you know that you are right!

Once you both decided to have children - they became a joint venture :) - all costs, including your lost wages, should be shared.

He contribution to household costs isn't generous - it is owed!

[Timbucktime]

I wouldn’t give your boyfriend any of your savings

[MrDarcysMa]

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship op.

[Mummaofboys93]

Something doesn't ring right to me OP. Do not transfer any money to him. Even your last reply of he isn't usually tight he pays for take aways & you talk about him buying you stiff for birthdays or treating your family.. That isn't exactly contributing is it?

If you're also paying for the majority of things atm then where is his 2k a month going other than his car & phone? Surely he should be able to start saving again?

The fact you both keep money seprate is fine, not every couple do everything jointly. But the fact he gives you nothing for your DC I find very unfair. Regardless of what others have bought you & what your DC already has?! My friend & her partner keep their money seprate & he transfers her £300 a month for their daughter. They live together & share all the bills, yet he still pays for his child 🤷‍♀️

I would personally be thinking twice about moving in together at this point.

[SortingItOut]

I think you've posted before about your partner and his money.

I can't remember exactly why you left your last rented home and wasnt he spending money on something you didn't agree with - was it a car or something?

[WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly]

@MrKlaw

you pay your maternity allowance into joint account. He pays wages into joint account. You pay all bills including food etc (no idea why so often this is left out of 'bills'). Whats left is then available for savings.

IMO thats your baseline. What then happens to that savings is a separate discussion. As you're not earning he may consider any spare money to go into his savings. You may prefer a split, or you're ok with that and you revisit once you're back at work and earning

Would you pool your money with this dick?

Why do mumsnetters always advise what they would do (with their presumably trustworthy and financially solvent husbands), rather than what is best for the OP?

OP: My boyfriend has spunked away £8k of his savings, and now he's asking for me to transfer all my savings to him. He won't pay for our baby and I have to buy everything out of my reduced maternity pay.

Mumsnetter: HIS savings??? I will never understand having separate money. Give him a your internet banking passwords and the PIN number for your credit card, this is surely FAMILY MONEY. That's the fairest way!

It's madness.

[okstretch]

He isn’t usually tight, he will pay for takeaways and treat my family too, sometimes fills my car up and was generous on my birthday and Christmas etc but he’s being odd about this

That must have really eaten into his £2000 a month.

He showed you what he was like when he failed to look for a new job for months but it's worse now he isn't providing for his child.

You surely don't really think this is ok?

[RedToothBrush]

He isn’t usually tight, he will pay for takeaways and treat my family too, sometimes fills my car up and was generous on my birthday and Christmas etc but he’s being odd about this.

This isn't being generous. This is the equivalent of a man giving you flowers when he's feeling guilty for being out all night drinking with his mates and generally being a tosser.

He's doing this so he can say 'but look how nice and generous I am' so he can get the attention and feel good factor for giving. When it comes to the boring everyday stuff he's not interested because he isn't being aplauded and congratulated for it. This is a massive red flag in addition to the other one about wanting all your savings.

It screams in combination financial abuse.

I really would not be surprise if he wants your savings and then will leg it. Even if you catch up with him, you won't get the money back and at best, he'll be using your own money to pay maintainence.

Run for the hills from his man. He doesn't do responsibility. He's immature and only wants to do the fun stuff. He will ruin your life if you stay with him any longer. Get out whilst you can.