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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not transfer my savings to DP

261 replies

Calty123 · 24/02/2021 20:51

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. Neither of us had any savings when we first got together. We agreed we wanted to start saving at the same time and built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. Fast forward to now he has around 2k maybe and I have around 10k. I was made redundant and then got pregnant so my only income is now maternity allowance of around £600 a month. He still earns about 2k a month.

DP thinks I should transfer him some of my savings (we do have a joint account but both have separate accounts for savings) and then he would be happy to put his wage into the joint account every month for me to use for food and baby, rather than at the moment I spend all my maternity allowance on food/baby/rent and he doesn’t really contribute that much. He will give me £30 for food here and there if I say I’ve not got anything left for the month but he doesn’t give me his card to go to the shop and it’s always me that goes so I end up paying. If I’m ordering things online for baby he does sometimes pay.

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.
We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Would you transfer some of your savings?
YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 25/02/2021 00:14

OH, FFS! "If you decide to leave him," YOU HAVE ALL YOUR SAVINGS AND HIS CHILD TO RAISE! Christ Almighty, dump him now, and rear that child on your own. Or make him man up and be a "real" partner. What you are describing is a long-standing hook-up, from what I can see. Gives you 30 here and there? And you're having his child? He should be giving you money, not the other way around.

Sorry...but I get so angry when I read about some woman with a boy-man on her hands, wondering if she should do more when she is already doing EVERYTHING! This guy is not a man, he's an over-sized infant sucking you dry now. He won't get better when the baby comes. Been there, done that. PLEASE DO NOT BE ME! Get smart now.

FredaFlintstone · 25/02/2021 00:14

It's easy to call cocklodger but there is one thing I wondered.

What did you do when you were made redundant, before the baby was born and MA kicked in? Did you spend your savings or did his wage cover you both?

BlueThistles · 25/02/2021 00:14

Speechless....

but glad OP is not handing him her savings ... Flowers

MixedUpFiles · 25/02/2021 00:22

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have taken the career and Income hit to have his child. Since you keep separate accounts, He should be sending you money to help compensate for that. It won’t cover the full impact, but 50% of your lost wages would at least mitigate your immediate losses. Then of course paying for his rent, food, and share of baby expenses out of his remaining earnings.

NoseinBook3 · 25/02/2021 00:26

Big no from me!

EL8888 · 25/02/2021 00:29

His logic is hilarious. No way should you transfer him any money at all?!

Sorka · 25/02/2021 00:46

If you leave him how much of his £2000 a month would he have to pay in maintenance for his baby? Something to think about.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2021 00:52

Big old nope.
You are not responsible for his losing his previous savings - he is.
And if he's talking about you "deciding to leave him", I'd REALLY want to know why - is there a reason he's thinking that way?
Because if there is, I'd cut my losses now and get away with your money intact.

SoulofanAggron · 25/02/2021 01:00

Hell no!

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.

But you're not saving at the moment either, are you? Why should you compensate for his choice to have previously blown his savings?

Also it's odd that he's openly speaking in those terms of 'if we split up then X.' Like he's half expecting you to split up.

We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Don't do it, please. None of the signs are good.

toddlermom · 25/02/2021 01:10

No way!!! Please say you're not even considering doing this?!!!

CattyCactus · 25/02/2021 01:26

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

That is the most bizzare thing I’ve read on here for some time.
I agree. I’ve re-read it and I’m still bemused.
Mummyoflittledragon · 25/02/2021 01:55

Please don’t move in with him. It sounds like he’s financially abusing you already.

ridingonaroomba · 25/02/2021 02:00

it’s fairly obvious that he’s considered leaving you and doesn’t want to leave with no savings. Did that not occur to you?

HoppingPavlova · 25/02/2021 02:04

Have rarely read anything so odd and that’s saying something in a site with great diversity such as this.

I would bill him for half of every nappy, every single thing and also half of your time in caring for your child. I would also leave him as he sounds like an utter fuckwit.

nopulp · 25/02/2021 02:20

@Mummyoflittledragon

Please don’t move in with him. It sounds like he’s financially abusing you already.
Absolutely. Imagine paying nothing toward your own child. I'm embarrassed for him and angry for you.
BlueThistles · 25/02/2021 02:30

OP you're being financially shafted here .. you know this right Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2021 02:53

@ridingonaroomba

it’s fairly obvious that he’s considered leaving you and doesn’t want to leave with no savings. Did that not occur to you?
This. Please protect yourself.
choli · 25/02/2021 03:34

The weirdest thing about this whole story is that the OPs parents seem to be OK with the cocklodging in their own house.

mangoandraspberries · 25/02/2021 03:43

I don’t comment on threads often. But please do not do this. He should be contributing to the cost of the baby etc anyway, he shouldn’t need half your savings to start doing this. It’s his child as well as yours. If you were married, I would say you should have joint accounts for everything. But as you aren’t, I think it’s important you maintain your own savings.

Dddccc · 25/02/2021 03:54

Hold on he pays all the bills but food and nappies and you are complaining sorry but why should he pay 100% of everything and have no money left to save and you sit on 10k seems all very one sided

Nat6999 · 25/02/2021 04:14

Don't give him a penny, if you weren't living together he would have to pay you 12% of his income for your dc. He should be contributing 50% of all bills & rent as a minimum, it isn't your fault he blew his savings in .

bombastical · 25/02/2021 04:45

Jesus.
Seriously?
He’s living RENT FREE in your parents house? Is that right? Did I just read that right? He’s not even paying for his own food? He’s paying no bills but he’s still got resentment about YOUR savings?
He earns THREE times what you do.
What’s happening when you move in together? He needs to cover all of the rent and all of the bills right? Including the food. Right? To make up for the free ride he’s currently getting.
That’s happening right?
Do not spend one more penny of your £600 a month.
Please
PLEASE tell me you are not intending to split the rent 50/50 with this man?
To be honest I think you need to rethink this relationship. This is not a good person.

BlueThistles · 25/02/2021 04:51

@Dddccc

Hold on he pays all the bills but food and nappies and you are complaining sorry but why should he pay 100% of everything and have no money left to save and you sit on 10k seems all very one sided

no he doesn't

nopulp · 25/02/2021 04:57

@Dddccc

Hold on he pays all the bills but food and nappies and you are complaining sorry but why should he pay 100% of everything and have no money left to save and you sit on 10k seems all very one sided
Confused
AnitaB888 · 25/02/2021 05:23

No way.

If people choose to live together without the benefit of marriage they need a Cohabitation Agreement. I would talk to him about this.

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