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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not transfer my savings to DP

261 replies

Calty123 · 24/02/2021 20:51

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. Neither of us had any savings when we first got together. We agreed we wanted to start saving at the same time and built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. Fast forward to now he has around 2k maybe and I have around 10k. I was made redundant and then got pregnant so my only income is now maternity allowance of around £600 a month. He still earns about 2k a month.

DP thinks I should transfer him some of my savings (we do have a joint account but both have separate accounts for savings) and then he would be happy to put his wage into the joint account every month for me to use for food and baby, rather than at the moment I spend all my maternity allowance on food/baby/rent and he doesn’t really contribute that much. He will give me £30 for food here and there if I say I’ve not got anything left for the month but he doesn’t give me his card to go to the shop and it’s always me that goes so I end up paying. If I’m ordering things online for baby he does sometimes pay.

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.
We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Would you transfer some of your savings?
YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:
WhenTwoBecomeThree · 24/02/2021 21:15

Eh?? He wants you to transfer your savings and in return, you get an allowance? Why are you being punished for him not having a job?

Tangledtresses · 24/02/2021 21:18

The words ' if I decide to leave him '
Jump out massively here!!!

He knows he's being an arse, knows you should and will leave him

DID NOT GO CE HIM ANOTHER PENNY

nimbuscloud · 24/02/2021 21:19

We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

So you have bought a house together?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 24/02/2021 21:19

That is the most bizzare thing I’ve read on here for some time.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 24/02/2021 21:20

Kick him out and either move into the house on your own or stay right where you are.

He's trying to reduce your opinions/make it impossible for you to leave him once he's spunked your savings/jacked in his job again.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 24/02/2021 21:20

Absolutely fucking not. No way. What an arsehole.

And op, seriously, he needs to be paying for the baby / food etc

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 24/02/2021 21:20

Why are you being punished for having a child with him. Fuck that!

Hell no would I hand over my savings to someone who treated me that badly.

Was this a planned pregnancy? If so, did you discuss how you would BOTH fund your mat leave?
If not, did you still discuss finances at any point?
Are you moving into rented or joint mortgage?
Why are you covering all the current rent and food bills even if it's nominal to your parents. Never mind the bay's expenses?

Can you take a shorter maternity leave and go back to work asap? How is childcare going to be funded?
Is he on the child's birth certificate as a parent?

RandomMess · 24/02/2021 21:20

His attitude reeks!!!

He doesn't seem to think she should be contributing to his DC costs Angry

addicted2spaniels · 24/02/2021 21:22

Is it hunt the cocklodger night on here? They're flying out the woodwork tonight Hmm

Hankunamatata · 24/02/2021 21:22

Did you help him financially in the 4 months he was unemployed?

ScreamingBeans · 24/02/2021 21:23

LTB

MustardMitt · 24/02/2021 21:23

Jesus Christ woman. Why the fuck are you procreating with this man? He doesn’t want to support you or his child, all he’s worried about ensuring things are ‘fair’, which in his mind means you giving him your money, aka subbing his decision to not try and find a job for 4 months.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/02/2021 21:24

I would find his attitude very, very alarming. You need to have a massive rethink.

Guidebutton · 24/02/2021 21:25

Jesus wept. Why are you paying for all your living expenses whilst on maternity leave with his child?

Hahaha88 · 24/02/2021 21:25

So what on earth has he been spending 2k of wages on whilst you've been living low cost with parents that you've paid the rent on?
You live together, you parent together your combined income should be shared fairly. Savings are a different matter and are individual

doctorhamster · 24/02/2021 21:26

No fucking way!!!!

snowone · 24/02/2021 21:26

Nope! Just nope!

ZenNudist · 24/02/2021 21:28

Sorry but its an LTB from me. Kick him out and go for CSA, at least you'd get a pittance that way. And you'd be better off not having to pay for him.

Wallywobbles · 24/02/2021 21:29

Sorry. Back to work ASAP. 50% of child care costs are for him.

converseandjeans · 24/02/2021 21:31

Well it's your parents providing free accommodation. Also why hasn't he saved anything out of his salary while you're living rent free? He's getting everything paid for now so needs to return the favour.

TheNorthWind · 24/02/2021 21:31

Is he the one planning to leave? I don't want to unsettle you, but does he just want a chunk of cash to take with him?

Otherwise, with his current plan, either he contributes nothing and you pay for everything using all your savings and maternity pay or... you give him your savings and he contributes your savings. Which you top up with the rest of your savings and maternity pay. I bet at the end of it all he'd have money in the bank and you wouldn't.

Top plan.

He needs a fucking rocket up his arse.

BashfulClam · 24/02/2021 21:31

He is the baby’s dad...it’s parent and therefore he is half responsible for all costs and support.

lydia2021 · 24/02/2021 21:32

Red flags girl, red flags.

converseandjeans · 24/02/2021 21:32

Also don't give him your savings. How long are you planning to stay off work? You might be better taking short leave & getting back to work

BestZebbie · 24/02/2021 21:33

I don’t think he is worried about you leaving him - you’ve just got pregnant. I think he has recently hypothetically considered leaving you, but worked out that he won’t get half of your money (which he thinks of as joint, eg: fair game for him to allocate in his head),

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