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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not transfer my savings to DP

261 replies

Calty123 · 24/02/2021 20:51

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. Neither of us had any savings when we first got together. We agreed we wanted to start saving at the same time and built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. Fast forward to now he has around 2k maybe and I have around 10k. I was made redundant and then got pregnant so my only income is now maternity allowance of around £600 a month. He still earns about 2k a month.

DP thinks I should transfer him some of my savings (we do have a joint account but both have separate accounts for savings) and then he would be happy to put his wage into the joint account every month for me to use for food and baby, rather than at the moment I spend all my maternity allowance on food/baby/rent and he doesn’t really contribute that much. He will give me £30 for food here and there if I say I’ve not got anything left for the month but he doesn’t give me his card to go to the shop and it’s always me that goes so I end up paying. If I’m ordering things online for baby he does sometimes pay.

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.
We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Would you transfer some of your savings?
YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 24/02/2021 22:31

I just find this so odd. Paying your share of the costs of a child according to your income (which should be 3x your share since his income is more than 3x yours) should have no caveats.

Do not have joint savings with him. Maintain your savings, and he can maintain his (which frankly he should have a lot more if you’re spending bugger all).

ElizaLaLa · 24/02/2021 22:32

If his money is yours, then yours is his, no?

oil0W0lio · 24/02/2021 22:36

The fact that you have to ask rather than instinctively knowing he is out of order suggest to me that he has been gaslighting you

Bluntness100 · 24/02/2021 22:36

I can’t believe he asked you to give him your money fhen he would pay you it back monthly to care for the baby. That’s so so bad.

MingeofDeath · 24/02/2021 22:37

You do realise that you do not have a long term future with this man don't you?

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2021 22:37

So if you are covering all his livng costs and that of his child- whats he doing with his £2k each month? Why isn't he saving that?

7yo7yo · 24/02/2021 22:39

This would end my relationship.

starfishmummy · 24/02/2021 22:41

Lol, if this was the other way round everyone would be saying that all money is family money an of course he should be sharing.

But YANBU to want to keep it safe.

SunshineCake · 24/02/2021 22:41

No
No
No
No
No

Why the fuck should you and why are you letting him get away with not paying his fair share as a grown up? The child is his I presume ? Of course, he is the father. What a dick. This is all kind of wrong.

adventurealice · 24/02/2021 22:42

If married then yes because all money is family money. If not married then heck no, this is the whole difference between being married or not.

Fromthegekko · 24/02/2021 22:42

No. No. And No again.

ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 24/02/2021 22:44

No Sad Don't give him your savings!

Xmasbaby11 · 24/02/2021 22:45

Oh no OP, that isn't on. Children are an expense and not one you can opt out of. He needs to support you while you're off and his child. Make sure you have a good plan agreed for when you go back to work.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2021 22:53

Sorry where is his salary going after minimal bills and not paying towards the baby's stuff in a meaningful way?

SinkGirl · 24/02/2021 22:58

@starfishmummy

Lol, if this was the other way round everyone would be saying that all money is family money an of course he should be sharing.

But YANBU to want to keep it safe.

You think a woman would ever refuse to pay for things the baby needs or split bills unless her boyfriend handed over a big chunk of his savings?

A woman doing that would be ripped to shreds on here.

unim · 24/02/2021 23:00

Honestly, I think you should leave him.

He can't save for your future together, and he doesn't think it's reasonable to contribute to essentials for the baby and food???! I honestly think you'd be better off on your own. At least he'd be obliged to pay child maintenance.

GabsAlot · 24/02/2021 23:02

weird setup-why is he waiting tgo put money into the joint account

why is it only happening if you give you saivings up

clipcloptrop · 24/02/2021 23:02

There's no smoke without fire @Calty123 I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Sorry!

SpilltheTea · 24/02/2021 23:03

He's not generous if he won't even pay for the basics. He deserves fuck all.

rawalpindithelabrador · 24/02/2021 23:03

Such a low bar.

Geekydeaky · 24/02/2021 23:04

I'm on maternity, it's not even half of my wage I get a month. My partner puts his full wage minus his bills into the joint account, I never have to ask for money and he would never expect me to give him my savings. I think you need a new partner.

CrikeyPeg · 24/02/2021 23:06

@WaterBottle123

Do not transfer your savings, do not marry him, do not get pregnant again and get back to work ASAP.
@Calty123 this x a trazillion times
lastqueenofscotland · 24/02/2021 23:07

God he sounds like a waste of space

VestaTilley · 24/02/2021 23:07

Absolutely do not do this! Keep every penny of your money.

If he wants financial security he should marry you. But I’d be questioning a relationship with this man to be honest.

Regularsizedrudy · 24/02/2021 23:07

Fuck no.