people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I wouldn’t stress about that at all. I love a few free drinks at weddings and after that if I want to continue I expect to pay.

Don't see the harm in floating the idea. I think most people are ready to party tbh. As long as it's in the place of gifts.

Actually sack that. People expect to buy drinks at weddings.

You don’t charge people to come to your wedding, it is terribly bad from.

You can afford to pay for it, but you’re paying for a fake ceremony holiday abroad for yourselves instead.

I voted YABU. You can’t expect guests to pay entry fee for wedding. Sorry. The most I’ve seen done is a pay for bar for alcoholic drinks, but even then the couple had two bottles champagne for each table provided with the food. Even then, lots of people complained.

You could say in invitations that you’re happy to take a small cash contribution instead of a wedding gift, and that would offset the costs.

Living in London and having friends in similar jobs to yours, people will absolutely keep drinking after the tab runs out. I wouldn’t worry about it. As long as it’s not on a Monday or anything like that

I think you need to tell people your plan and most importantly make sure people are fed well. I dont expect to buy my own food at a wedding but I wouldn't be surprised to buy my own drinks.

I wouldn’t spend £30 on cocktails in a night on top of maybe one or two from a free bar. I think you might need to plan for what happens if your guests don’t drink as much as you think they might! I’ve got absolutely no objection to paying for my drinks at all but I don’t think I’d be spending that much.

Where does OP say anything about an entry fee? Have you actually read what’s written?

Why would you expect people to bother taking time off work, organising child care, paying for flights and accommodation (with the added risk of pandemic) to go to a wedding when you’re already married?

I’m sure they would still come but it’s really poor taste to expect people to pay to attend your wedding, sorry....

So you're having a fake wedding abroad and the real one here and expect people to pay for it? Why not just have one wedding here, the legal one, cancel the fake production abroad and pay for it rather than expecting guests to spend a certain amount? Awful, just awful. Was hoping this trend for CFer weddings would die with Covid.

Can you not tell them so then there’s no pressure and if not enough is spent to meet the 1,500
Top it up the next day!

Depends on prices too. That could be just three glasses of wine which most likely I’d spend on a night out on top of free drinks but you do have to plan for people not having much on top of free drinks. I went to something similar where wine was free but if you wanted anything else you had to pay! They reached the limit that way as the non-wine drinkers more than coveted the rest with beer, spirits, cocktails etc.

It bit I find really weird is the big wedding then the fake wedding abroad.

I'd be really peeved to be spending my annual leave and holiday money on what is now a secondary event.

What you are having abroad is a holiday/honeymoon not a wedding; you are getting married in London.

@rawalpindithelabrador

So you're having a fake wedding abroad and the real one here and expect people to pay for it? Why not just have one wedding here, the legal one, cancel the fake production abroad and pay for it rather than expecting guests to spend a certain amount? Awful, just awful. Was hoping this trend for CFer weddings would die with Covid.

So bizarre isn’t it.

Literally putting on a show for people.

People do tend to get very wrapped up in themselves when it comes to weddings though.

I have never in my life been to a wedding where there’s a free bar all night. A few free drinks yes (to toast and with food) but then I always expect to buy my own all night.

My only worry would be that a number of your guests may decide they’re only drinking soft drinks, or only having one or two pints because they’re heading home early. Which (even with London prices ) would be way under £30. So as long as you’re ok with that possibility and would be happy to cough up the excess money to the bar at the end if their takings are short of the £750

I think if you make it clear to people beforehand what the arrangements are and that you’ll be providing the food and champagne to toast but there will be a cash bar for the evening, it’s fine. If it’s a private hire, have some sort of fun bar game - roll a dice when ordering a drink and if you roll a six you get your drinks free.

I am a higher earner, most of my friends are higher earners, I don’t expect everything to be provided free at a celebration regardless of the income of the hosts and don’t know anyone who would. The view on MN is often “if you can’t afford to feed and water your guests then you shouldn’t invite them” but screw that - I’d far rather pay for my own drinks and be able to celebrate with friends than for friends to feel they couldn’t invite me because I’d expect them to pay.

Depends if your happy to foot the rest of the bill if people don’t spend that, but we had a fairly small wedding and people spend over £600 so it’s do able!

I love my booze but I would struggle to get through £60 quids worth, which seems to be the implication

I think you just invite people and see of they keep spending after the tab ends. If they do then all good, if not you will need to dip into your savings.

Are you asking people to pay upfront OP or just working on the assumption that most will spend a further £30 each after your tab runs out?

I'd be perfectly fine with the latter, and post COVID, I'd be there until kicking out time, happily buying my own drinks after the tab had run out. I'd be a bit at being asked to pay up front.

YABU to expect people to pay to go to your wedding because you don't want to spend your savings, and you've spent a ton on a whole other pretend wedding. Plus they are likely to be giving you cash gifts anyway.

I'd be inclined to just stump up the £1500. People are often ridiculously generous with money gifts at weddings, so they might easily pop £50 in an envelope for you, and they'll be "paying" anyway, without you charging them to attend.