people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I suggest you use a good proportion of your contribution to provide lovely food, canapés, buffet, whatever. People would not blink an eye at buying drinks at a wedding, but not food.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think if you make it clear to people beforehand what the arrangements are and that you’ll be providing the food and champagne to toast but there will be a cash bar for the evening, it’s fine. If it’s a private hire, have some sort of fun bar game - roll a dice when ordering a drink and if you roll a six you get your drinks free.

I am a higher earner, most of my friends are higher earners, I don’t expect everything to be provided free at a celebration regardless of the income of the hosts and don’t know anyone who would. The view on MN is often “if you can’t afford to feed and water your guests then you shouldn’t invite them” but screw that - I’d far rather pay for my own drinks and be able to celebrate with friends than for friends to feel they couldn’t invite me because I’d expect them to pay.

The problem is that she's relying on each guest to provide a minimum spend of £30. Unrealistic because some people won't. Then she'll have to stump up the difference. The solution is to have one wedding rather than a fake one abroad.

Just pay the 1500 quid fhs

You know you can afford it!

I would not expect a free bar at wedding but I would be very if you said upfront it was a minimum spend 30 each. I would not give a gift in this case either.

I would be really pissed of to have forked out a fortune to go to your wedding abroad when you had already had a wedding and a party.

Bad taste. Have a party when you have done your wedding - makes it seem like you are grabby

@BronnauMawrion

I suggest you use a good proportion of your contribution to provide lovely food, canapés, buffet, whatever. People would not blink an eye at buying drinks at a wedding, but not food.

Definitely agree with @BronnauMawrion here. Especially because I’d probably be really drunk after free drinks and then £30 worth of my own drinks - lots of food needed!

I presume guests who are paying to go abroad and using precious annual leave know they wedding is for show and you will already be married? I’d be very very cross if not but then again it would have to be a very close relative with a very good reason for the destination for me to attend in the first instance.

I think it’s very poor form to expect people to pay to attend a wedding. It’s akin to charging an entry fee imo.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I voted YABU. You can’t expect guests to pay entry fee for wedding. Sorry. The most I’ve seen done is a pay for bar for alcoholic drinks, but even then the couple had two bottles champagne for each table provided with the food. Even then, lots of people complained.

You could say in invitations that you’re happy to take a small cash contribution instead of a wedding gift, and that would offset the costs.

who said anything about an entry fee?

There is a minimum spend, if people don't buy their own drinks, we have to cover the cost ourselves. I am asking if people would be annoyed at paying for their drinks at a wedding and if they would drink enough to cover it.

I would NEVER EVER EVER ask for money. How embarrassing and unacceptable!

Off

At a nice cocktail bar in London, £30 is two drinks, maybe three. If the friends are Londoners, they’ll be well aware of this.

@Chocolo

Why would you expect people to bother taking time off work, organising child care, paying for flights and accommodation (with the added risk of pandemic) to go to a wedding when you’re already married?

they already are...no friends of ours have kids that are coming. They are happy to come. Not part of the question :)

@Lockdownbear

It bit I find really weird is the big wedding then the fake wedding abroad.

I'd be really peeved to be spending my annual leave and holiday money on what is now a secondary event.

London based wedding is after work. No one would take annual leave.

My dd had a similar arrangement. The venue was free but the caveat was they had to spend a certain amount behind the bar. She put that amount aside but in the end we spent well over the amount so she didn’t need to pay.
Rather than putting a set amount behind the bar, why not ask them to go a cocktail of your choice and a couple of different beers, otherwise you get some idiots ordering triple vodkas just because it’s “free”?

I wouldn't have not put money behind the bar so guests could order what they wanted but not have to pay. And we had champagne for the toasts. Guests don't pay sorry

OP I didn’t ask if people would be going or not, I asked why you’re expecting them to go to a show wedding when you’re already married. It’s a lot to ask of someone. What’s the point?

Do they know about the first wedding?

I think providing you are happy to make up the shortfall if there is one, I would take that.

If it's on a nice hotel, the drinks will not be cheap and if they are there over a good few hours, I would imagine £30 per head can be reached comfortably, but it depends on your friends I suppose and how much they drink.

I certainly would prefer to pay for my own drinks if it meant my friend could have the honeymoon they wanted abroad and take away any stress from them.

I think you should cover the cost of at least one or two drinks for everyone and then settle what is needed of the £1500 at the end. You’ll probably find it’s been easily covered but, as you say, it’s embarrassing to ask so you will have to assume it won’t be.

I’ve said YABU because the last thing I’d want to do is go to a wedding after work but I have no problem paying for drinks.

For the even you describe, I can’t imagine having more than a drink or two so I do think you need to be prepared to pay the full bill yourself. Or course, you know your crowd better.

@BronnauMawrion

I suggest you use a good proportion of your contribution to provide lovely food, canapés, buffet, whatever. People would not blink an eye at buying drinks at a wedding, but not food.

we are paying for all food.

Hmmm I’m not sure if YABU or not. YWBU to tell people that they have to spend £30 or to try to collect if from them in advance but YWNBU to have a certain amount of free food and drinks and when that’s used up, people have to pay for their own.

The issue with that is that if the guests don’t make up the £750, you will have to pay it after the event and you’d be paying for products that you haven’t actually had.

Are you and your DH to be included in the 25 and if so, will you be expecting to pay your £30 each or to drink the free drinks? If not, the guests will need to pay more than £30 each to make up your share. What about if people are driving (does that happen in London?) and only drink soft drinks?

I think it depends on how much the drinks cost and how much your friends drink, which you know better than anyone here could.

I’ve easily spent that on a couple of cocktails in a pricey place in the old days when we still went out and before I lost my drinking legs. £30 is a coyote of g&ts in a hotel bar and that was a while ago.

Are they generally big boozers who’ll be delighted at an excuse for a big night out or healthy gym bunnies on a budget dashing back for the sitter?

They may well be able to pay and be desperate for a night out but that is incredibly tacky.

“Abroad” could have lots of travel restrictions still in place later in the year, just sayin’.

Are you expecting fancy wedding presents off these London guests, if yes then it’s a tad grabby.

London based wedding is after work.

That is your wedding. The other one is a pretend show. You're expecting a minimum spend. It's a gamble.