people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

You need to be prepared to pay for any shortfall to the minimum spend (if relevant).

@Chocolo

OP I didn’t ask if people would be going or not, I asked why you’re expecting them to go to a show wedding when you’re already married. It’s a lot to ask of someone. What’s the point?

Do they know about the first wedding?

We aren't expecting anything. I don't care if no one shows up abroad :) the issue is they all want to.

The people attending London and those attending abroad barely overlap. That's why we started to think of having a casual drink event after the wedding ceremony in London. We have a capacity restraint abroad, so those who can't come there can now come to London. People who want to do both can. So far people have said they'd like to go to both but they know they don't have to.

OP I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here. Personally, I'd love to go to a small intimate party right now, in a private venue, with some fantastic paid for, food, a couple of free drinks, then the ability to spend my own cash on a few more. I'd definitely spend £30 easily and I think it sounds lovely.

@Chocolo

OP I didn’t ask if people would be going or not, I asked why you’re expecting them to go to a show wedding when you’re already married. It’s a lot to ask of someone. What’s the point?

Do they know about the first wedding?

A lot of people don't realise that 90% of these abroad weddings are not legal/fake shows.

So you would expect a couple to pay 60? No, I don't think that is ok. Its bad manners to invite people to your occasion and expect them to contribute. A birthday meal an exception maybe. But no, I think just pay it yourself.

If you can technically afford it, I would pay it. You want the party (god knows we all do!) It sounds like a nice idea. Your friends will be excited to attend.
I would then say that you don't want any gifts but that they are welcome to contribute to your honeymoon pot (which has taken a bit of a hit). If they do regulalry spend these amounts, I'm sure they will be happy to in lieu of a gift, but then it is optional and a gift.

Make memories after all this covid stuff, spend it with people you love, and dont fall out about money if you can afford it. You won't be doing it again (hopefully)

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I presume guests who are paying to go abroad and using precious annual leave know they wedding is for show and you will already be married? I’d be very very cross if not but then again it would have to be a very close relative with a very good reason for the destination for me to attend in the first instance.

I think it’s very poor form to expect people to pay to attend a wedding. It’s akin to charging an entry fee imo.

I don't know if this makes a difference to anyone's opinions but except our parents, every guest is 25-30 and see this as an excuse for a holiday. No one has children. Everyone has ample annual leave. But it's not far away and doable for the weekend only. It is also only £35 return flights at the moment.

Getting a seriously rough ride here and you don’t deserve it OP! Mumsnetters can get seriously uppity over weddings and money.

Sorry OP, but tacky in my opinion.

God no.

Makes you sound very cheap. Just pay the €1500

• people would not be surprised generally at having to pay for drinks at a party. Free drinks are a bonus
• No idea if all your guests would be likely to spend £30 on top of whatever is free. Really depends on how much your friends drink and what drinks cost at the venue.

People might have just the one drink if it's after work/work night.

Fair enough OP.

What’s the reasoning behind having a show wedding after you’re married? Will it not be odd doing vows etc again?

It’s something that’s come up in my social group a couple of times and I always wondered but didn’t want to ask in real life. One couple I know had 3 weddings, it baffled me.

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for. I definitely haven't. I am happy if there's a free bar for some of it, but I've never had a wedding where everything is included.

To repeat: no one is PAYING anything upfront. I am not asking for £30.

I am asking if it's likely they would spend (without knowing how much I need them to) the minimum.

I am thinking we spend £750 on food and a few hundred on some wine and champagne for toasts, then hope they all want at least £500 worth of drinks.

I'm sure you will easily cover that. £30 each is what, 3.5 drinks each? Some may only have 1, others me would have 4/5/6.

You could use what you are happy to spend to buy champ/sparking wine for a toast/speech/thanks for coming. That way people don't come for a free drink then bugger off. Also you can then make sure there's a drink for any late comers.

A lot of people don't realise that 90% of these abroad weddings are not legal/fake shows

I didn't realise this until my friends was organising his wedding abroad, he did the same as you @lenovowarrior.
Little registry office and a few drinks here, then we all go abroad for the lovely holiday and another ceremony.

It was absolutely lovely and it was a pleasure to be invited and share it with everyone. hope it all goes well

I wouldn’t do this. I’d have said it was fine before we got married, but once the bar tab was done, half the people paid their own way (but didn’t drink much else) and half started their own tabs, most of which were left for us to pay. We negotiated with the venue, as it shouldn’t have happened, but it did.

I’d be prepared to foot the whole bill, and then you can be pleasantly surprised if you don’t have to.

I think the OP is just trying to budget here. She's said if people don't end up spending enough to cover the rest of the tab, she will, of course, settle the difference. She's just asking for how likely do you think it is that people will spend the extra needed. (I think - apologies if I've got that wrong OP).

I’d rather cut back on something else (outfits, shoes, flowers, hair etc) than have a cash bar. The older you get the more you realise that buying drinks just isn’t an expense some couples want to factor in.

Well, I think if you're hoping the guests will spend £30, and you make up any shortfall, I'm not really sure what the issue is of paying the whole amount?

If they decide to all just have a tap water, you'd be paying anyway.

Just pay up front and use any cash gifts to replenish savings/put toward honeymoon.

@Chocolo

Fair enough OP.

What’s the reasoning behind having a show wedding after you’re married? Will it not be odd doing vows etc again?

It’s something that’s come up in my social group a couple of times and I always wondered but didn’t want to ask in real life. One couple I know had 3 weddings, it baffled me.

So apart from it being different people at both...

We originally only planned abroad. However due to covid, DP couldn't meet the legal requirements to get married in the country (my birthplace).
As a result, we had to book a register office in London. Then a few close friends and people we became closer to due to pandemic (bit odd but Zoom can do it!) we want to make part of it. So we thought it's weird to get married and just go home after, so thought we'd have some drinks. But finding a venue in London to allow you to have a few drinks is hard, as they require you to have an area, areas have minimum spends...this is all just brain storming right now :)

@edwinbear

I think the OP is just trying to budget here. She's said if people don't end up spending enough to cover the rest of the tab, she will, of course, settle the difference. She's just asking for how likely do you think it is that people will spend the extra needed. (I think - apologies if I've got that wrong OP).

you're completely correct

Also if people are going to catch the tube/train home, they might not want to get sloshed... so your bar amount might be more than enough. But you know the people involved best - are they big drinkers, or would a few be more likely?

@lenovowarrior

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for. I definitely haven't. I am happy if there's a free bar for some of it, but I've never had a wedding where everything is included.

To repeat: no one is PAYING anything upfront. I am not asking for £30.

I am asking if it's likely they would spend (without knowing how much I need them to) the minimum.

I am thinking we spend £750 on food and a few hundred on some wine and champagne for toasts, then hope they all want at least £500 worth of drinks.

Sorry- you should have made all this clearer in your original post. You're getting a rough ride and I'm not entirely sure what you're asking? if that's what you've decided to take the risk on needing to top up and you can afford it...what are you asking? how much your friends might spend? Your friends that we don't know? Let me get out my crystal ball.....

If money is tight and it’s a fairly small gathering of 25 to 30 people I’d have a party at home and buy all the booze in