people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

I'm not surprised if I go to a wedding and a cash bar kicks in after dinner - but that's after a couple of drinks before dinner, canapés, 3 course meal, wine with dinner, champagne for toasts.

I'd think it was a bit off to expect people to pay their own drinks after only one or two complimentary.

Either way you will need to be prepared to guarantee the cost/shortfall if your guests don't buy as many drinks as you expect.

Is it after work on a Friday?

@00100001

Well, I think if you're hoping the guests will spend £30, and you make up any shortfall, I'm not really sure what the issue is of paying the whole amount?

If they decide to all just have a tap water, you'd be paying anyway.

Just pay up front and use any cash gifts to replenish savings/put toward honeymoon.

All gifts are donations to a charity and it's too late to go back on that. So that's a no-go.

Scrap the wedding abroad and have a bigger London wedding, with extra evening guests.

I know this isn't what you asked, OP, but the obvious solution seems to me to just have the London wedding, with your closest friends/family. If you ditch the fancy 'show' wedding, you'd have loads to spend on having a really lovely day with the people who mean most to you - and they wouldn't have to buy their own drinks.

Obviously, though, you're not likely to think this is a good idea, because you'd have done it if you did. But I'm going to say it anyway.

Is there anybody bar the witnesses actually seeing the real wedding and exchange of vows?

Well, just pay upfront.

You clearly have the money, but would rather spend it on your holiday...

I think your first post isn't very clear. If you are paying for all the food and putting money behind the bar for a few drinks then that is fine. I don't think people will mind getting two or three drinks for free then paying for the rest.

You will need to make sure that everyone gets the same allocation - maybe issue drinks tokens or something similar.

Op I don't think a lot of people have understood the question. I live in London. I'd definitely attend something like this for a friend and would expect to spend at least £100 between DH and I. At London prices, that's only a few drinks.

Sorry but no, you don't charge people to attend your wedding celebrations.

Find somewhere cheaper where guests can just pay for their drinks as they want them, without an 'entry ticket' - or, you and your husband can pay the bill yourselves.

It's really bad form and I'm quite surprised that people don't know this given the number of threads where an OP asks this question, with a variation on the same theme.

I reckon me & DH would probably cover another couple at London bar prices!

I reckon you'd cover most of it.

Very few parties and weddings are free bars these days, despite the protestations of MN!

People do expect to buy drinks at a wedding but they will not spend 30 quid a head when they've already had their fill of free stuff. They'll drink the free stuff and then slow right down.

Covid might change things right enough.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish

This looks mean. Either you afford it, or you don't invite people.

Sorry I am not being very clear. I am panicking a bit.

Another element I don't think came across is that if we don't spend £1500, so people don't drink enough, we are essentially throwing that money away. If 25 people won't eat and drink that much food then the whole thing is pointless.

Thanks for answering. Would it not be possible to invite the London group to the abroad wedding due to the small numbers issue?

Re the minimum spend problem, I personally would easily spend that on drinks but know many others who wouldn’t. You might be running the risk of it niggling in the back of your mind all evening and keeping an eye on drinks.

If there was £750 worth of lovely food, I'd be there for a loooong time! Between DH and I, in this sort of setting, once the tab was finished, we'd probably buy another bottle of wine each - at a cost of c.£30 -£40 each. That would be very normal amongst our friends.

@QueenoftheAir

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish

This looks mean. Either you afford it, or you don't invite people.

I can afford an expensive car but I don't and drive an old banger. Why? Because the payments would take a dent out of my savings every month. A lot of people can technically afford something but it often comes at detriment to other things.

I don't think you can assume every couple would spend 60quid on alcohol.
It would be perfectly reasonable to have a pay to use bar ( although I have only been to one wedding with this)
But some people will only want to drink water, or soft drinks.
Others might spend a fortune easily.
It would seem safest to make everyone pay after a couple of drinks but have the money set aside in case you need it to top up.

Sounds fine you are providing a few free drinks and people buy there own after , most weddings nowadays apart from wine on the table I always have to buy drinks
Of course there is a small chance people don't spend the rest and you have to cover a little more , so as long as that is ok with you.

@Chocolo

Thanks for answering. Would it not be possible to invite the London group to the abroad wedding due to the small numbers issue?

Re the minimum spend problem, I personally would easily spend that on drinks but know many others who wouldn’t. You might be running the risk of it niggling in the back of your mind all evening and keeping an eye on drinks.

No the abroad wedding is at maximum capacity due to family numbers (who aren't coming to London)

I think as long as you didn’t tell people that there was a minimum spend (and are prepared to foot any extra bill) then it’s fine. Just say you’ve put x amount behind the bar.
Depends on your friendship group but a party just after lockdown ends with reasonably high paid people sounds like somewhere where people might spend a lot.

Nowhere does the Op day she is charging people to attend, just that she can only put so much behind the bar
How many saying no provided a free bar at their weddings ?

Christ, I don't know why some people are being so vile today! Lockdown getting to us all, I think.

OP, I think your plan sounds great. I live in London and have attended plenty of parties like that - a bit of money behind the bar, and then you buy your own drinks. I'd be thrilled to get food provided as well!

(also, my friends would easily spend £30pp but i don't know your friends!)

No terribly bad form to charge for a wedding party.

YANBU. I would not be paying anything for people to literally piss it away.