Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

people to pay at wedding?

732 replies

lenovowarrior · 24/02/2021 17:28

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

  1. is this a terrible idea?
  2. would you be pissed off at paying?
  3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

OP posts:
Shinytaps · 26/02/2021 20:10

@edwinbear

OP I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here. Personally, I'd love to go to a small intimate party right now, in a private venue, with some fantastic paid for, food, a couple of free drinks, then the ability to spend my own cash on a few more. I'd definitely spend £30 easily and I think it sounds lovely.
I agree! I think people are slightly missing what’s been asked here. I would be happy to get a couple of free drinks but wouldn’t expect them all night. I think you’ll easily hit the minimum spend but I would keep English aside just in case. I wouldn’t tell people about the minimum spend though, just keep your fingers crossed that you hit it!
YouAreYourBestThing · 26/02/2021 20:25

I have NEVER in my life been to a wedding where all the drinks have been paid for 🤣 EVER!!! And I'm 57 years old and been to a lot of weddings!! The very most that's been on offer is a drink on arrival, a couple of bottles of plonk on the tables and one glass of 'something' to toast...and that's only at the poshest of them! At the majority, it's just something undrinkable on the table! Never experienced free bar 😢🤷‍♀️

You crack on OP...posters on here are living in some parallel universe to the rest of us in the real world!

Weirdlynormal · 26/02/2021 20:34

@YouAreYourBestThing we had a few bar all night at our wedding. I can recall my Dad being shocked that by the end of the night people were ordering shots, but the bill was about the same as the food bill. You should have come!

Weirdlynormal · 26/02/2021 20:37

*free, not few Hmm

PerveenMistry · 27/02/2021 03:40

@TatianaBis

It's not common in your circles.

I didn't make any comment on 'standard practice'. One could equally say that you 'shouldn't have inferred' from your limited social circles that what you believe to be standard practice is universal.

I implied it was tacky to have a paid bar because imo it is.

You will survive someone having a different opinion on the internet.

I agree that it's totally tacky.

Aprilx · 27/02/2021 04:37

@YouAreYourBestThing

I have NEVER in my life been to a wedding where all the drinks have been paid for 🤣 EVER!!! And I'm 57 years old and been to a lot of weddings!! The very most that's been on offer is a drink on arrival, a couple of bottles of plonk on the tables and one glass of 'something' to toast...and that's only at the poshest of them! At the majority, it's just something undrinkable on the table! Never experienced free bar 😢🤷‍♀️

You crack on OP...posters on here are living in some parallel universe to the rest of us in the real world!

Have you been to a wedding where the hosts have capped their own contribution at a miserly £750 though? Because that is what OP wants to do even though they can afford the full £1500.

I have been to weddings where the bar is open and when guests pay, both are fine. But in these cases the open bar would probably have added many thousands to a wedding that has already cost many thousands. Totally different situation to OP who is just being tight because she wants a bit more spends for her pretend wedding overseas.

MiddleParking · 27/02/2021 07:13

There’s a great crossover on here between posters that have been prolific on every Covid thread wanting lockdown to go on til 2055 and are now on here sniffing about weddings with paid bars. We get it, you’ve got no friends.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/02/2021 08:20

Oh my god this thread is still going on! I hope the OP has long since abandoned it!

But for her sake:

-the overseas wedding is not a ‘fake’ wedding, it’s the main celebration with OPs family in her country of origin where her family are based. This was always going to be her main ceremony.

-for legal reasons the OP and partner now need to official marry in the UK first and they thought it would be a nice extra to throw a little party in London, after everyone has had a rubbish year and are probably up for a little celebration.

To frame it as OP skimping on the main event so she can have a fancy ‘fake wedding’ totally misunderstands it.

Basically it’s the OP doing a nice, extra thing that involves London friends. It is absolutely no different from throwing a birthday party or an anniversary party or something like that in a bar. Most people would be very happy in that situation with canapés, a couple of drinks and a pay bar. No one is being forced to attend. OP simply wanted to know whether people would likely drink enough to cover the minimum bar spend.

Shodan · 27/02/2021 09:41

To frame it as OP skimping on the main event so she can have a fancy ‘fake wedding’ totally misunderstands it.

But @Bubbinsmakesthree, if they don't deliberately and wilfully 'misunderstand', how else will they convey their imagined superiority?? Grin

Oceanwaves2018 · 27/02/2021 11:39

Definitely need to feed your guests well, a drink on arrival & if you’re having a toast/speech another drink - both free. However, after that guests pay for their own drinks. This is what’s happened at any wedding I’ve attended, the exception being if it was a sit down meal then wine was provided free.
However, £1500 isn’t a huge amount & you say you can afford it, so pay for it - you seem to want the best of both worlds & you don’t need 2 wedding celebrations - personally all of this dragging weddings out is tiresome. It’s your choice to do the “destination” wedding.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2021 11:51

@Bubbinsmakesthree

Oh my god this thread is still going on! I hope the OP has long since abandoned it!

But for her sake:

-the overseas wedding is not a ‘fake’ wedding, it’s the main celebration with OPs family in her country of origin where her family are based. This was always going to be her main ceremony.

-for legal reasons the OP and partner now need to official marry in the UK first and they thought it would be a nice extra to throw a little party in London, after everyone has had a rubbish year and are probably up for a little celebration.

To frame it as OP skimping on the main event so she can have a fancy ‘fake wedding’ totally misunderstands it.

Basically it’s the OP doing a nice, extra thing that involves London friends. It is absolutely no different from throwing a birthday party or an anniversary party or something like that in a bar. Most people would be very happy in that situation with canapés, a couple of drinks and a pay bar. No one is being forced to attend. OP simply wanted to know whether people would likely drink enough to cover the minimum bar spend.

SHould probably just keep requoting this after every comment that ignores the OP's updates regarding this.
Hubstar · 27/02/2021 11:52

Ha. Me and my husband are non drinkers

You’ll have people driving. Pregnant. Breastfeeding. You’ll have people like me who wouldn’t ever pay £30 on a night out.

I have to say I don’t like the idea of paying for a wedding night out

Hubstar · 27/02/2021 11:55

@lenovowarrior

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for. I definitely haven't. I am happy if there's a free bar for some of it, but I've never had a wedding where everything is included.

To repeat: no one is PAYING anything upfront. I am not asking for £30.

I am asking if it's likely they would spend (without knowing how much I need them to) the minimum.

I am thinking we spend £750 on food and a few hundred on some wine and champagne for toasts, then hope they all want at least £500 worth of drinks.

Early all the wedding alive been to have been paid and we’ve not had to spend a single penny

One wedding where I didn’t even know the couple. We were gifted a £600 bottle of champagne. As were every couple.

But then the father of the bride was a billionaire.

FirewomanSam · 27/02/2021 11:57

In the world I live in, if a friend or colleague said ‘hey, you know I’m having my big wedding in India, well it turns out we have to do the legal marriage bit here in London next week, so we thought we’d have a little get together at X bar to celebrate afterwards, wanna come?’ my first thought would be ‘oh how wonderful, of course I’ll come!’ and not ‘I wonder if there’s a free bar’.

I’d go and if there were a few free drinks to be had I’d think that was lovely of them, but I’d probably be joining a long line of people who wanted to buy the happy couple a drink!

But then this is mumsnet, where people hate their friends!

Shodan · 27/02/2021 14:55

my first thought would be ‘oh how wonderful, of course I’ll come!’ and not ‘I wonder if there’s a free bar’.

Same, @FirewomanSam. And if I got there and there were a couple of free drinks and/or canapes or whatever, I'd be extremely happy.

It's all about perspective, really. You're either the kind of person who is happy to be invited and sees it as a chance to have a nice evening out, or you're the kind of person that thinks their presence needs to be paid for and won't go unless those are the terms.

BungleandGeorge · 27/02/2021 15:04

The open bar weddings I’ve been to have been for people who are reasonably wealthy. It’s ok for things to be in proportion to how much money you have! It’s a nice generous thing to do if you have the money but if you don’t I’m sure nobody will think less of you or begrudge buying a couple of drinks for themselves

BungleandGeorge · 27/02/2021 15:06

Equally you can’t expect people to spend their own money on drinks if they don’t want to. I wouldn’t be paying £80 for a bottle of champagne myself. Great that op has found somewhere without a minimum spend so both parties can spend what the are comfortable with and still help celebrate

FirewomanSam · 27/02/2021 16:22

You're either the kind of person who is happy to be invited and sees it as a chance to have a nice evening out, or you're the kind of person that thinks their presence needs to be paid for and won't go unless those are the terms.

Agreed, although I think there are some who just use Mumsnet as a place to be far nastier and much more judgemental than they ever would in real life, because they get a kick out of laying into strangers on the internet and pissing all over their plans. I have a hard time believing all of these people would genuinely decline an invite to a celebration of a friend’s marriage just because they found out drinks weren’t going to be free all night, or that they’d tell a friend in real life who was getting married in her home country to ‘cancel
your tacky fake wedding.’ Maybe that makes me naive but it at least makes me very glad I don’t know anyone like this in reality!

Snookie00 · 27/02/2021 17:03

@MiddleParking. That’s so true. No surprise that the people who are so content with lockdown and have appeared so dismissive and downright cruel about the effect of lockdown on children’s and people in generals mental health are equally as rude about wedding plans. No wonder that they appear to have no friends to invite them places.

Svalberg · 27/02/2021 18:01

@Hubstar

Ha. Me and my husband are non drinkers

You’ll have people driving. Pregnant. Breastfeeding. You’ll have people like me who wouldn’t ever pay £30 on a night out.

I have to say I don’t like the idea of paying for a wedding night out

OP said a while ago that it was after work, in London, and nobody had children - so the pregnant, breastfeeding drivers are entirely in your over-fertile imagination. And nobody is inviting you to the do.
TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 27/02/2021 18:34

Even pregnant, breastfeeding, or driving, it doesn’t take long for soft drinks to quickly add up either. I remember when I lived in London and visited a friend in Devon, and you could buy a bottle of wine in her local pub for the cost of a lemonade in my local! Grin

Sk8ermum3000 · 27/02/2021 18:39

Svalberg....I’m pretty sure that after work, when I had no children and there were after work drinks, that there was definitely a point that I was pregnant. Not my overfertile imagination remembering this bit!! And I was definitely invited.....that’s the only reason I ever joined mumsnet. Just saying....

Svalberg · 27/02/2021 20:09

@Sk8ermum3000

Svalberg....I’m pretty sure that after work, when I had no children and there were after work drinks, that there was definitely a point that I was pregnant. Not my overfertile imagination remembering this bit!! And I was definitely invited.....that’s the only reason I ever joined mumsnet. Just saying....
Whether or not you were pregnant when you went for drinks after work, in London, is totally irrelevant. If anyone got pregnant between now and the party I'd expect them to activate their own personal sense of responsibility and do what's best for the baby.

This is what the OP said about the original party, though things have moved on since then - you can see how it's moved on by pressing the "see all" link under the top post on each page, though I appreciate that many posters can't do this as giving us all the benefit of their uninformed opinion is far more important.

"The wedding in London is purely for legal purposes and we didn't plan to make it a 'thing'. But with COVID, people have been sad, depressed, etc. so we thought, why not have a few drinks and some food after? We don't want it to be an event as such, more like when you meet up with friends for birthday drinks. We will cover all food (however much it costs) and at least a couple of drinks. No sit down meal style thing. No toasts, no formalities.
.....

Costs at the bar are £40 for prosecco, £80 for champagne, £30 for a bottle of white, £6.50 a beer.

......

Most people live in London so it is not a cost for them to come out. Most people are young and would be in the pub anyway."

Sk8ermum3000 · 27/02/2021 21:28

Svalberg you lost me at irrelevant when you showed your lack of humour. 😄

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/02/2021 01:11

@lenovowarrior

Hello all, I kind of gave up with the thread as the question got lost.

I have decided to go for a different venue with no minimum spend. I do want it to be like a birthday party, except it’s the birth of our marriage (lol). My bridal party seem to think we’d meet the minimum easy. Now I’ve been sent the proper food menus for the event it definitely is more likely.

We’ve found somewhere else we love, we plan on spending £1k on food and drink - I’ve said people from work who have asked for an invite can join in the evening when it will be paid for (without explicitly saying).

Hopefully it’ll go down well.
Enjoyed some of the answers Grin

For the latecomers!

OP is going elsewhere, no minimum spend, but guests will buy their own drinks in the evening. Sounds fine to me!