people to pay at wedding?

[lenovowarrior]

Dear MN, I need your help!

DP and I are getting married later this year when all restrictions are gone. As everything was somewhat uncertain, with Boris' announcement we've suddenly had to plan like mad.

We have a main wedding (MW) abroad which is fancy, 5* hotel, small number of guests, expensive. Booked and sorted. None of this is legally binding.

In the few days before MW we are getting legally married in London. Originally it was just us two and witnesses, discreet. However, with COVID we just want an excuse for a party. 95% of our friends live/work in London. So we are now thinking of making this a small casual and informal event. A lot of the people invited will also be those who can NOT come abroad (due to kids, money or just lack of invite). We want to put no pressure on people to feel the need to attend.

We've decided on a nice informal cocktail bar / drinks event, a bit similar to after work events in the City, where work puts x amount behind the bar, everyone enjoys a bit of a drink after work and then goes home. However I'll be in a white dress.
We've found a private space in a fancy hotel to accommodate around 30 people (maximum). Realistically there would be around 25. The minimum spend to guarantee the space is £1500.

Technically we can afford it, but it would come at impact to our honeymoon and our savings. My ideal would be that we pre-pay for £750 worth of food and drinks and the rest is ordered by other people. This means I'd need at least 25 people to spend £30ish.

Questions:

1. is this a terrible idea?
2. would you be pissed off at paying?
3. would you just leave when bar tab ends?

And for the AIBU poll:
YABU - people won't want to or will just not pay towards it and you'll have to foot it
YANBU - people can easily spend that.

FWIW all our friends have higher paying jobs and regularly spend this amount (more) on an evening in the pub after work.

Dear God no.
Huge difference between a paid bar at a wedding ( not an issue) and a cover charge ( big issue)
Do those going abroad know it’s not your actual wedding they’re going to?

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for

I have

They can and will be happy to pay but it will still come across as poorly hosted.

I’d suck up the extra cost or find somewhere able to accommodate closer to your £750 budget, maybe with buffet/finger type food or pub grub.

In the real world, people expect a meal at a wedding and a degree of drinks paid for, but absolutely not a free bar for the whole day and night.

This is a slightly unusual arrangement - tbh I'd pay the 750 and if not mention to anyone they needed to pay a minimum amount I'd expect it will be fine and be prepared to make up the difference myself if not.

I would be really pissed of to have forked out a fortune to go to your wedding abroad when you had already had a wedding and a party

I would too.

Do people really have fake weddings like this?

People need to read the op post properly
She isn't charging anyone , basically she is putting £750 behind a bar to cover drinks , once this runs out she is asking is it likely 20 odd people will spend another £750 so she doesn't have to top up as min spend is £1500
So really the guests will have no idea , they will get food and some free drinks , then after will have to buy their own.
The risk is they may not spend another £750 so Op would have to top up

@Disressingtimes

I would be really pissed of to have forked out a fortune to go to your wedding abroad when you had already had a wedding and a party

I would too.

She's already said it's for people invited abroad that couldn't make it.

No one will be "furious"

@bluebeck

Do people really have fake weddings like this?

Are people really this nasty

It's cheeky. Will you be selling tickets.

@RelaisBlu

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for

I have

I have and mine was.

Jesus people are just being obnoxious for the sake of it. At least read the post. Blood hell.

Are you doing vows and a walk down the aisle etc at the fake abroad wedding? I find that very odd.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at spending my own money on drinks etc at the evening event in London, though. I would comfortably drink £30s worth in London - that's basically 3 drinks. Only you know if your guests are likely to do the same or if they'll stay for a couple of freebies cos it seems quite casual and then slope off for the Tube!

Sorry @RelaisBlu didn't mean to quote you!

I think it's very bad form to have a party after the legal bit when you are referring to the wedding abroad as the main event...........would you be inviting those travelling abroad to the party?
If you want a party have one when you come home from honeymoon.

@RelaisBlu

I genuinely don't believe anyone here has only ever been to weddings where every single penny has been paid for

I have

Same. I've never been asked to pay anything at a wedding (except transport to the venue and sometimes, but not always, accommodation).

I think it's grim, sorry. Just have the wedding you can afford.

OP people are insane about weddings on here - honestly the worst place to ask

Sounds like a lovely idea to have a party after the shit year everyone will have had I'd either

1. find a venue without such a high spend
2. set aside 750 extra just in case but really I'd expect it not to be all needed

You're overthinking it. They'll spend that much easily. Have you seen the price of a cocktail these days?

Do you need £750 worth of food for 25 guests? That's £30 a head...for an evening do?

Bacon butties and chips would be fine.

I'd let them them there is a few complimentary drinks the rest is paid.
It wouldn't be a problem.
Some will drink more some less, you'll probably need to add a small amount.

No. I wouldn't go if I was invited to this.

Every wedding I've been to has a cash bar. Wine on the table for during dinner and a glass of bubbly for toasts. Anything else is paid for by the guests.

I'd be inclined to only cover the cost of the food as its not a "proper" wedding do, that way any and all drinks bought will go towards your minimum spend.

Be aware though that folk may drop out last minute because it's less formal than an all day wedding invitation, and they might just decide they're a bit tired after work, so you might still have to make up the shortfall.

Op ignore half on here who can't read your post
Obviousy don't tell anyone about min spend , put behind what you want and then have some aside incase its not spent
Fully paid for weddings all drinks are not the norm ( my own was but we had in a pub room and other things on the cheap) but apart from my own I have never been to an all drinks paid for wedding , incl some well off people.

@rawalpindithelabrador

So you're having a fake wedding abroad and the real one here and expect people to pay for it? Why not just have one wedding here, the legal one, cancel the fake production abroad and pay for it rather than expecting guests to spend a certain amount? Awful, just awful. Was hoping this trend for CFer weddings would die with Covid.

Please separate the marriage and the holiday both in your mind and how you talk of it.

I don't think it the so much as paying for something at a wedding thats getting to people it's the
Legal wedding, party.
Then the wedding event abroad costing the guests a fortune.

I'd be peeved at spending my annual leave and holiday money going to a wedding which has already been celebrated in London on the actual legal day of the wedding.
I'd rather save myself the effort and just go to the london party.

I get you op. I think a lot of people have a thing about weddings abroad (and i’m not a fan myself) but it’s different if it’s your home country, and it was supposed to be the ‘real’ wedding, and covid’s fucked up your dp’s requirements to live there for x amount of tine or whatever - i think that’s fair enough. All the uncertainty about travelling and booking accommodation and will it be safe and will it be cancelled etc - with you both being from different countries it would be impossible to organise one wedding that didn’t have to factor all this in for at least one set of guests. in effect you’re having to have two weddings, one for his side and one for your side. Which is completely fair enough.

Re going out spending, yes you’ll probably cover that amount. I’ve never been to a wedding where the free bar lasted all night either. It’ll be fine. Have a lovely wedding.