Partner losing £££ in stocks

[iwanttotravel]

Good evening Mumsnet!

Hope someone can tell me if I am being unreasonable or not as I am unsure if I am over reacting. But I am feeling really hurt and embarrassed.

My DP of more then 10 years took an interest in cryptocurrency over the weekend. I don't know anything about it and find the whole thing confusing tbh. And although he hasn't traded in stocks before he does have investment qualifications. He told me he put ££ in some particular stock as a bit of fun, I smiled and nodded, his money his life, his fun and all that...

Yesterday I saw one of his tweets talking to someone about a different stock (not the one he had mentioned to me) and that he had bought and bought and bought again as it was low and a 'steal' apparently.

I asked him about it and he told me he had bought a bit more, (still only within ££) but I found out he had went over his monthly allowance on his credit card so would need to borrow money from savings to cover him to avoid interest charges.

This upset me as he effectively gambled our savings without asking me. He said he would cover the cost the following month and made me feel like it was his business not mine. We went to bed. I forgot about it.

Today. He messages me 'may have messed up a little bit'. That while he was purchasing, some of the payments were not processing and were in fact duplicating entries!!!! He had actually spent 10X the amount of what he originally said £££. This would all need to come from our savings and he will pay back in installments.

I told him I knew he was lying. He denied. Everything he was saying didn't add up. But he looked me dead in the eye and told me this was a bank error. He swore on our kids lives. And then long story short, he did lie and admitted to all the purchases. He lied.

I'm so sorry this went on for so long. I'm just in tears. He said he felt embarrassed about telling me. These stocks are tanking and he's losing money and I somehow feel sorry for him but he looked me dead in the eye and lied through his teeth.

I've been thinking about handing my engagement ring back. I just don't like the lying. He very well could have wiped our savings out in a weekend. He says he's going to pay it back but I want some advice on what to do. I get it's his life but if this gets worse it puts me and our kids at risk. I believe it to be incredibly reckless and could use some help as to if I'm being unfair or not.

Also any advice on people who have dealt with gamblers in the past would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

My BIL is a gambling addict. He goes regularly to GA and has no access to family money, SIL had compete control of all money.

He lied, by omission, about the money he lost and couldn't recover (£10k of redundancy payout whittered away) but would NEVER swear on his childrens lives. That is really low.

There are a LOT of newbies to crypto investing in shit they know nothing about at the moment, based solely off what people on Twitter/Reddit etc are saying.

He doesn't sound like a gambling addict, he sounds like he got cocky and excited cos everyone on Twitter told him the stock was going up and he was sure he'd make a quick buck and now he has to admit he fucked up.

The lying is bad, he's been a twat and I'd be asking him to commit to not investing in anything else with family money that you haven't both agreeed to, as well as a very profuse apology.

I don't think he's done an unforgiveable thing by any means, though, in terms of the investments themselves. Stupid, yes. But some of the stuff flying around about crypto at the moment is VERY convincing and exciting - I invested myself a few months ago and I've watched people throw themselves at the next big coin to find it's not as foolproof as they expected and they need to be putting their money in for a long time to see slow, steady growth, instead of chucking £10k in at what they think is a dip before it tanks again (because it does, it's crypto, it moves fast and not always in obvious ways).

I'd forgive him for being swept up in the craze for it that's going on. I'd be very mad he was stupid enough to invest money he couldn't afford to lose, and I've be very mad he'd lied, but he made a stupid, ill-thought-out mistake. I'd get over that if he was sorry.

Thank you for your reply.

I do think it's the lying that is bothering me most. I've never not trusted him.

He seems to think he's going to hit it big if he just rides this storm which I think is W very stupid mentality to have. And now I'm thinking he's going to spend more and more.

He's got a credit card with a limit of 10k but can I really act like his mother and take it off of him? I really don't like to think he would ever do that much, but then I never thought he would lie on our kids lives...

You don’t panic and sell at a loss you just sit tight first things

Secondly you make sure he doesn’t put any money you can afford to lose on it

Thirdly you make sure he researches fully on the different crypto out there

Fourthly anyone investing should balance their portfolio to negate major risks like this with the more volatile ones

Crypto is volatile. It shoots up and down depending on what’s happening in the world

Only a few days ago it would have been quite high.

GME by any chance? The stock market is not actually gambling, though there's very little difference sometimes. It's very easy to get carried away if you are inexperienced (and event if you are not!)

I missed the bit where you said it was crypto...worth sitting tight for a bit maybe to see if things pick up, it's really volatile.

Fuck me. I don’t know if I’d break up with him over this, depending on his behaviour, but I’d have massive issues with his cockiness and lying, and even bigger ones with him swearing on your kids lives and point-blank lying to your face. This would be a big issue for me.

There is also that part of me that feels bad for him and think he could use a cuddle, but I really expected him to be smarter then to be swept up in a craze like this considering he has studied investments!!

I don't see how I can just sweep this under the rug though, he had no need to lie. He's made me feel stupid for thinking he could get away with such an obvious lie. And so unreasonable as to be unapproachable.

I can't look at his right now

Is it a GA or is this a one off?

A close family member did something similar, scared himself and has never touched stocks and shares again.

But no he shouldn't be lying.

You probably need to move the savings somewhere safe if they're still available.

I would not be happy with him using any joint money to pay it off. It's a gambling debt. You don't invest using a credit card - only with money you actually have.
It's good that he has now come clean, but do all you can to ensure he can't spend any more money.

He does like a slot machine and footie bet.

We were talking about starting investments that were managed by someone and not where we necessarily pick the stocks.

I don't know enough about it tbh but it's very clear that he expecting some kind of grand payoff and that hasn't happened.

He said he's going to pull when it rises but I honestly feel like he's lost his lot.

He's normally very sensible, very out of character

Someone sensible doesn’t do slot machines or footie bets

Or use family money for stocks

Or lie when they’ve been caught out

But yes he probably does need a cuddle

A cuddle, some tender head strokes and then a firm word about it after he knows you are still there for him

If he’d done it before he’d be out but sounds like he won’t make that mistake again

He won’t have lost

My DH was new to stocks a year or so ago and panicked when one was a small percent under what he bought it and nearly sold the lot

I told him to hold off. Think of stocks as a 5 year minimum plan and just check in occasionally

Don’t check on them every day. It’s not worth it

Consider the money locked away and one day you could actually be quite happy he did

My fear would be that if he feels alone or upset or worried, like he can't talk to you, he might make more bad and rash decisions. The last thing you want is him putting in more money in the hopes that will cover any loss a la Nick Leeson with Barings Bank. What he has done is absolutely not acceptable but communication is more important than ever now.

@iwanttotravel

He does like a slot machine and footie bet.

We were talking about starting investments that were managed by someone and not where we necessarily pick the stocks.

I don't know enough about it tbh but it's very clear that he expecting some kind of grand payoff and that hasn't happened.

He said he's going to pull when it rises but I honestly feel like he's lost his lot.

He's normally very sensible, very out of character

Is it $dot by any chance? I know someone who's lost £12k on that this week when it dropped and he's gutted - but all he saw was big exciting sounding people saying "If you're not buying it right now, you're a fool, it's about to go off", and he didn't do ANY research into crypto at all. I think people think it's not the same as traditional stocks and shares and therefore somehow less serious - like 'oh lol bitcoin, not a real thing' and they fail to notice it's more unpredictable than the stock market and therefore not for the faint hearted or those who can't afford to lose money.

If he's really sorry, will let you have access to his crypto wallet and know exactly what he's invested in (secrecy is, at this point, basically as bad as lying), and you can afford to not have access to that money right now, I'd let him sit tight and hope it picks back up again, on the proviso that as soon as it hits what he put in - which hopefully it will at some point - he sells it.

And I'd be reading him the riot act over the lying. That's the biggest issue for me here.

Not good that he lied about the money etc...I wouldnt be happy at all..also you never buy anything on social media...they 'talk up' the price etc so its very high....its usually too late to make anything if the stock is on twitter etc...usually rumours started by someone who is about to dump a load of stock to get a better price !

Stocks and shares rise and fall all the time. I don’t know anything about crypto stocks so perhaps he would be better to sit it out ? We’ve lost several thousand pounds on the value of ours this past year. Hopefully they will recover in the future.

Even if you stay with him, you would be breathtakingly foolish to still marry him or rely on him financially in any way for the rest of your life.

He's a gambler, a financial loaded gun. He might not ever go off again, but he could, anytime, and you won't know until your finances are blown apart.

Keep finances separate, so his debts are his and not yours. Never jointly own a house, only buy your own and seek legal advice so as to ensure he (and his creditors) never has any call on it. Regularly check your own credit with all 4 main agencies to ensure debts aren't taken out in your name. No joint savings, keep your own pension, be prepared to fund your own retirement and for him to blow everything he has - and more - at any time.

Easier to end it really. But if you stay, stay separate.

If he enjoys the thrill perhaps encourage to research matched betting?

Him

I would not be covering it with joint savings. It's a disgusting assumption for him to have that he can use joint money to cover his spending. I get it, it feels wrong to pay interest when you have the money in savings but it's better he learns that hard lesson now or mark my words he will do it again.

@PicsInRed

Even if you stay with him, you would be breathtakingly foolish to still marry him or rely on him financially in any way for the rest of your life.

He's a gambler, a financial loaded gun. He might not ever go off again, but he could, anytime, and you won't know until your finances are blown apart.

Keep finances separate, so his debts are his and not yours. Never jointly own a house, only buy your own and seek legal advice so as to ensure he (and his creditors) never has any call on it. Regularly check your own credit with all 4 main agencies to ensure debts aren't taken out in your name. No joint savings, keep your own pension, be prepared to fund your own retirement and for him to blow everything he has - and more - at any time.

Easier to end it really. But if you stay, stay separate.

Do you really think this is a must?

I love him very much. I want to marry him.

Do you honestly believe it's inevitable?

@An0n0n0n

I would not be covering it with joint savings. It's a disgusting assumption for him to have that he can use joint money to cover his spending. I get it, it feels wrong to pay interest when you have the money in savings but it's better he learns that hard lesson now or mark my words he will do it again.

He did it knowing our saving were paying for it and didn't tell me.

But I don't want him to feel like he is losing still

I’m fairly new to investing. I can see how easily he got sucked in tbh. I was sat this morning with an app on my phone watching my potential gains change in real time and started thinking oh shit, I should have invested more.

I put it down and went for a walk and gave myself a talking to. Before I invested, I had a plan - buy and hold, don’t chase the day to day swings and don’t put any more in than the amount I had already decided wouldn’t destroy me if I lost it.

I think you should make a stand on this because he could easily get sucked in again. What did he buy, DOGE? Elon Musk keeps hyping people up on that one.