Partner losing £££ in stocks

[iwanttotravel]

Good evening Mumsnet!

Hope someone can tell me if I am being unreasonable or not as I am unsure if I am over reacting. But I am feeling really hurt and embarrassed.

My DP of more then 10 years took an interest in cryptocurrency over the weekend. I don't know anything about it and find the whole thing confusing tbh. And although he hasn't traded in stocks before he does have investment qualifications. He told me he put ££ in some particular stock as a bit of fun, I smiled and nodded, his money his life, his fun and all that...

Yesterday I saw one of his tweets talking to someone about a different stock (not the one he had mentioned to me) and that he had bought and bought and bought again as it was low and a 'steal' apparently.

I asked him about it and he told me he had bought a bit more, (still only within ££) but I found out he had went over his monthly allowance on his credit card so would need to borrow money from savings to cover him to avoid interest charges.

This upset me as he effectively gambled our savings without asking me. He said he would cover the cost the following month and made me feel like it was his business not mine. We went to bed. I forgot about it.

Today. He messages me 'may have messed up a little bit'. That while he was purchasing, some of the payments were not processing and were in fact duplicating entries!!!! He had actually spent 10X the amount of what he originally said £££. This would all need to come from our savings and he will pay back in installments.

I told him I knew he was lying. He denied. Everything he was saying didn't add up. But he looked me dead in the eye and told me this was a bank error. He swore on our kids lives. And then long story short, he did lie and admitted to all the purchases. He lied.

I'm so sorry this went on for so long. I'm just in tears. He said he felt embarrassed about telling me. These stocks are tanking and he's losing money and I somehow feel sorry for him but he looked me dead in the eye and lied through his teeth.

I've been thinking about handing my engagement ring back. I just don't like the lying. He very well could have wiped our savings out in a weekend. He says he's going to pay it back but I want some advice on what to do. I get it's his life but if this gets worse it puts me and our kids at risk. I believe it to be incredibly reckless and could use some help as to if I'm being unfair or not.

Also any advice on people who have dealt with gamblers in the past would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

FWIW I think the poster who is saying he's a financial loaded gun is extrapolating a bit.

You say he likes a slot machine and a football bet. How often are we talking? If it's every weekend, and he chases good money after bad, then I agree with that poster - he has a strong chance of being addicted to gambling and doing so in a way that's dangerous in future and it's a problem.

If he goes on a slot machine when you're in the pub occasionally cos he's dead good on a fruitie and he bets on the Champions League final, then I wouldn't worry.

So it might not necessarily be an issue but you do need to be honest with yourself: does he bet in a way which seems like it could become a problem in future? Is he evasive about betting? Is he spending a lot, doing it often, making it a regular part of his life? Has how much he puts on a bet gone up from a few quid on an accumulator to 'so-and-so gave me a great tip so I'll stick £200 on it'?

@Onedropbeat

Someone sensible doesn’t do slot machines or footie bets

Or use family money for stocks

Or lie when they’ve been caught out

This x1000000000000.

He may have qualifications in investments but he just broke the golden rules, - don't put in what you can't afford to move, never borrow to invest and master your own greed and FOMO by understanding what you're putting in.
On the relationship side, he's lied, hopefully a one off and not a symptom of gambling.
On the crypto side, he needs to do his research and fast 'crypto' is a big sphere, hundreds of alternative 'alt' coins to the big ones (BTC/Ethereum). If it's Bitcoin or Ethereum holding is likely the best policy - they're volatile but most think the trend is up. Too many alt coins to comment - like I said he needs to do his research.
Cryptocurrency is littered with the losses of people that enter to make a quick buck. Hopefully this is a one off and he won't be jumping on similar 'get rich quick schemes'. I'm a crypto enthusiast by the way and I do understand the temptations, the lure of big money- it's hard to resist and that's why research is your friend!

Stocks and crypto shouldn’t be day traded unless you really know what you are doing. They should be held as long term investments, not short term money makers. With that attitude, he may not have lost any money in the long run but....

1. Don’t marry anyone who lies to you.
2. Give him the engagement ring back and tell him to sell it to recover savings.
3. Split your money and spilt up.

That might give him a big enough shock to change. And it might not. But you shouldn’t marry someone who lies to you, especially about money.

@LolaButt that's great advice! Form a plan, and stick to it.

@therocinante

FWIW I think the poster who is saying he's a financial loaded gun is extrapolating a bit.

You say he likes a slot machine and a football bet. How often are we talking? If it's every weekend, and he chases good money after bad, then I agree with that poster - he has a strong chance of being addicted to gambling and doing so in a way that's dangerous in future and it's a problem.

If he goes on a slot machine when you're in the pub occasionally cos he's dead good on a fruitie and he bets on the Champions League final, then I wouldn't worry.

So it might not necessarily be an issue but you do need to be honest with yourself: does he bet in a way which seems like it could become a problem in future? Is he evasive about betting? Is he spending a lot, doing it often, making it a regular part of his life? Has how much he puts on a bet gone up from a few quid on an accumulator to 'so-and-so gave me a great tip so I'll stick £200 on it'?

I would say in 2020 he may have put a tenner on footie 2 or 3 times. But he seems to get carried away.

None of his football bets came in but he put 15 quid on the lottery and won 30 quid or something on the app and spent it that night on this bubble game thing within the app.

When he was 20 he won 10k on a game show. He gambled half feeling he was on a roll. Lost it. Gave a quarter away and probably ate the rest.

When he wins he seems to spend. Then he looses interest when he loses.

I actually think the worst outcome for him would be if these stocks take out. It would almost affirm his stupidity

the FCA are examining this issue now because of the unreliability & that there is NO security in this even compared to other stocks& shares
Its gambling - its a bright red flashing danger sign op especially combined with lying
www.fca.org.uk/consumers/cryptoassets
please show him-& make sure he knows he is an idiot
Re any investments; If it seems to be too good to be true than it most certainly is

The lying would have me questioning the relationship, no trust no relationship in my eyes.

Spending his “allowance” on it I couldn’t get worked up about, no different than wasting money on alcohol etc. The savings part would depend on where the money came from initially.

This would be a total deal breaker for me. Sorry

I’m so sorry OP 😢

I couldn’t be lied to like that and still find someone sexy / be keen tobuild a life with them, but you may be better at forgiving than me. Even if you are I’m very worried for you: dishonest people rarely stop being dishonest.

I’m less bothered about the money although of course that’s awful but the lying is the problem.

For me the key here is if it's a pattern.

Has he previously used joint savings without consulting?

Is his footie betting a £10 every now and then or £££?

Does he have a history with bad investments?

Has he provided a plan to go forward? Done a payment plan? Offered to take off his own access from joint account?

Is he bad with money in general?

The lying is bad but I can see doing it when panicked. He hasn't lost the money unless she has sold the stock. I can see after gamestop that people might want to do more risky investments. Crypto currency is volatile and a lot of people have made a lot of money and a lot of people have lost money. Once you start investing it is easy to get sucked in with the profits and then regret later. It has defo happened to me. Thankfully I'm risk averse so sums were small and it was my personal money.

@Noranorav it’s hard to stick to it!

If it's BTC it's probably ok in the long run - it's been due a pull back, institutions (and Elon Musk!) buying BTC have lent it credibility and an increase in value. But don't take my random advice - direct him to The Daily Hodl. Good crypto publication with a wide range of articles and analysis on the market.

Bit coins?
Crypto type currency - lots of people talking them up at present for a huge rise..... they went down over the weekend

@LolaButt I know 😅 probably the hardest thing in investment is managing yourself (I think Warren Buffett investment billionaire said something along those lines!!)

He swore on your children’s lives when he knew he was lying. I could never ever forgive that.

It wasn't Bitcoin. One was DOGE. then he did two others but I don't know their names. AO something I think and ADA it might have been.

"If he enjoys the thrill perhaps encourage to research matched betting?"

Literally no thrill in matched betting

I think he's after a bit bigger than that.

We can't tell you here OP, not enough info really. It's big at the moment so don't write him off as a GA just yet. I like a tenner on the horses, stocks and shares and MB and I've not bankrupted us just yet!

I love him very much. I want to marry him.

In all honesty, you’ve been together for 10 years, if he hasn’t married you now then he isn’t going to. And in this case, it is probably for the best. He’s financially unstable. You need to make sure you are working yourself and can stand on your own two feet. Be glad you found this out before marrying him.

BTC was at an all time high, it's pulled back - this is expected behaviour as nothing goes up indefinitely. What some are predicting now is price 'consolidation' - basically sticking at the same price for a bit. The swings in crypto just happen faster/sharper and more unpredictably!

@iwanttotravel

It wasn't Bitcoin. One was DOGE. then he did two others but I don't know their names. AO something I think and ADA it might have been.

He's a bloody idiot for investing in DOGE now (I say this as someone who bought in the dip a few weeks ago!). But I can see why - there's a LOT of hype and Elon Musk keeps tweeting about it, loads of people were convinced it was about to grow 10x in price.

But even a tiny bit of reading about alt coins would show that wasn't the case. Really his biggest crime here is just being fucking stupid about it!

I think his attitude to gambling in the past is slightly concerning though, based off what you've said. Not Gamblers Anonymous territory yet, but that tendency to make stupid choices with his money is there. I'd think hard about laying down some ground rules and about having seperate accounts.

Just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has replied. Everyone seems a lot wiser then me so you are helping a lot

Playing crypto currency or the stock market is dangerous as you don't have control. Matched betting is the complete opposite.

I would not allow him to use joint money to pay his debts. I would sit joint savings so had half each and put mine in an ISA then let him do what he wants with his share. If he did not have enough to pay his debts I would advise him to get a loan in his own name to ensure he repaid it. I would be leaving with kids. I would not put up with lying to my face on kids lives. Does he hate his kids?

@caringcarer

I would not allow him to use joint money to pay his debts. I would sit joint savings so had half each and put mine in an ISA then let him do what he wants with his share. If he did not have enough to pay his debts I would advise him to get a loan in his own name to ensure he repaid it. I would be leaving with kids. I would not put up with lying to my face on kids lives. Does he hate his kids?

He seemed desperate to convince me of his version of events. Even though it sounded completely ridiculous..

I think he may be a little sleep deprived staying up late watching his money burn in real time