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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner losing £££ in stocks

194 replies

iwanttotravel · 23/02/2021 18:47

Good evening Mumsnet!

Hope someone can tell me if I am being unreasonable or not as I am unsure if I am over reacting. But I am feeling really hurt and embarrassed.

My DP of more then 10 years took an interest in cryptocurrency over the weekend. I don't know anything about it and find the whole thing confusing tbh. And although he hasn't traded in stocks before he does have investment qualifications. He told me he put ££ in some particular stock as a bit of fun, I smiled and nodded, his money his life, his fun and all that...

Yesterday I saw one of his tweets talking to someone about a different stock (not the one he had mentioned to me) and that he had bought and bought and bought again as it was low and a 'steal' apparently.

I asked him about it and he told me he had bought a bit more, (still only within ££) but I found out he had went over his monthly allowance on his credit card so would need to borrow money from savings to cover him to avoid interest charges.

This upset me as he effectively gambled our savings without asking me. He said he would cover the cost the following month and made me feel like it was his business not mine. We went to bed. I forgot about it.

Today. He messages me 'may have messed up a little bit'. That while he was purchasing, some of the payments were not processing and were in fact duplicating entries!!!! He had actually spent 10X the amount of what he originally said £££. This would all need to come from our savings and he will pay back in installments.

I told him I knew he was lying. He denied. Everything he was saying didn't add up. But he looked me dead in the eye and told me this was a bank error. He swore on our kids lives. And then long story short, he did lie and admitted to all the purchases. He lied.

I'm so sorry this went on for so long. I'm just in tears. He said he felt embarrassed about telling me. These stocks are tanking and he's losing money and I somehow feel sorry for him but he looked me dead in the eye and lied through his teeth.

I've been thinking about handing my engagement ring back. I just don't like the lying. He very well could have wiped our savings out in a weekend. He says he's going to pay it back but I want some advice on what to do. I get it's his life but if this gets worse it puts me and our kids at risk. I believe it to be incredibly reckless and could use some help as to if I'm being unfair or not.

Also any advice on people who have dealt with gamblers in the past would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

StellaDendrite · 23/02/2021 20:41

If you hadn’t been together, have kids and have an otherwise good relationship I’d dump him. He purposefully lied to you. That’s unforgivable. I’d be worried what else he could lie about and I’d be worried that he must think you are stupid and I’d be worried that he thinks he is more important than you. His actions show that he doesn’t care about you. (He cares now but that’s only because he has been caught)
I guess some counseling might be a good idea.

Roszie · 23/02/2021 20:43

He needs to sit tight

MyCatLovesFish · 23/02/2021 20:43

If he is man enough to play in the crypto markets then he is man enough to bear his own losses. As PP have said, separate your finances completely and don't bail him out. He needs to feel the pain as well as the excitement. A few months of having to work overtime to pay off his credit card debt will hopefully bring him to his senses (and using your credit card to gamble is a mugs game).

TBH the lying would have done it for me but never ever tie your finances or your security with his and don't marry him.

magicstar1 · 23/02/2021 20:43

I bought some ADA three weeks ago and it’s more than doubled in that time. But I’m holding on to it long term.

It sounds like your DP has gotten carried away, but I’d want all details of what he’s spent it on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/02/2021 20:45

He seems to think he's going to hit it big if he just rides this storm

Gamblers usually do

I'm thinking he's going to spend more and more

You're almost certainly right, and the excuse will be that he was trying to win in order to pay you back

You said that "you don't want him to feel that he's losing again", but he already is losing, so the only question is whether you'll stick around so that he can clean you out too.
In theory I suppose you could ask for the credit cards and manage all the money, but there's not much to stop him simply getting another one - and anyway, is that really how you want to live?

WhirlingGerbil · 23/02/2021 20:51

It is basically gambling.

Someone I worked with was approaching retirement, or so she thought. She'd just renewed her vows (always a great sign), when she found out husband had cleared out all of their savings to feed his gambling addiction. Not long after, no retirement and no husband. She did meet someone online and I think it had a happy ending, but still.

My take would be, all of the savings go in an account in your name that he can't access, or forget it. You could split your money and keep it in separate accounts, but I'm not sure how keen I would be on building a future with someone whose not only financially irresponsible, but a liar to boot. There's no way I'd keep my money in a joint account though. As you can see for yourself, he could clear you out completely.

caringcarer · 23/02/2021 20:52

OP, he does not need a cuddle, he needs a kick up the arse. He has jeapardised your and your children's financial security.in the blink of an eye, lied about it on your children's lives, and shown no remorse. He has shown his true colours just be glad you are not married to him because if you were you would be dragged under with.him and do would.ypur children. Your kids need you to be responsible but he won't. If you let.jim off the hook now he will expect the same next time he does it. How can you ever trust him again? He will make you.have to worry every day you are together in case he does it again.

SeaShoreGalore · 23/02/2021 20:53

What does swearing on his kids life even mean?

Does it mean that now he's been proved to be a liar then he's happy for the fates to take his kids life - happy for them to die?

I wouldn't be particularly happy about that.

Wineiscooling · 23/02/2021 20:54

I'm married to a gambler. He's at GA as I'm writing this. I now have access to all his accounts as he can't be trusted. He nearly lost our house. I know it's different type of gambling but it's the same principle. Your partner is impulsive. His gambling may creep up on him, it sounds like it has crept up on him. He's now lying about his gambling. It's a downward spiral. If you stay you can never trust him with money. It's not a good place to be in. I stayed. Everything I read about 4 years a go when I first found out about the debt he'd accrued over about 6 months of gambling told me he can never be trusted. It may take weeks, months or years for him to relapse but if I let my guard down he will take advantage. They were right. It took 3 years but he did and within a month another 1000 pounds gambled. He has lied to me about his debt and his gambling. We'd been together 15 years when I found out he had a problem. Probably for 14 years of that time it wasn't actually a problem, like your partner, little bets here and there, some risk taking behaviours, impulsive behaviours but nothing that made me think I had anything to worry about. Then one awful night I found a credit card statement with a massive amount of debt on and numerous debits to online gambling sites. That wasn't the only card. I still feel sick when I think of that night and what I found out. Life is not black and white and I stayed. despite the gambling he's a good man and if he's not gambling he's a good dad and husband. He's on his last chance now and I have control of all the family finances and his. If you are prepared for all of that then stay. But he has to let you have control of finances otherwise it sounds like too much of a risk. Some may say I'm being over dramatic based on my experience but the warning signs are there. I chose to ignore them. I wish I hadn't .

SeaShoreGalore · 23/02/2021 20:55

So he gambled away half his winnings when he was younger?

Can I ask - did he have savings before he met you?

If not, if the savings are a new thing, then it could be that anytime he's feeling flush he will gamble away what he has.

blueshoes · 23/02/2021 20:55

OP, you said: I feel like he's forced a 'long term' on me. As pulling now would be an eye stinger. But it can still get worse! If he would of just played with his own money then he could of went ham. But now our joint money is involved and I feel like I've also got something at stake.

Do you think he did this consciously or subconsciously. Is he afraid to lose you in some way and dragged you into this with him.

Wineiscooling · 23/02/2021 20:58

Just to add to my post. My partner has shown remorse and attends GA weekly. We now have savings and after a remortgage, redundancy and help from his parents we are debt free (except for mortgage!) I have all accounts he has no access to except his own which his wage gets paid in to and he immediately transfers everything out to various savings accounts and joint. He has a bit left in his own account but I can see what that gets spent in. I so feel a bit like the parent sometimes and it's not ideal but I have accepted it and he has too as he knows it's the only way we can stay together.

Fuckingcrustybread · 23/02/2021 21:00

As soon as anyone swears on their children's lives I know that they are a liar. If his words did literally come true, your children would be dead.
That's not a way I would like to live. Either he or I would be gone as soon as feasibly possible.

SachaStark · 23/02/2021 21:00

My DH is into cryptocurrency.

(Sorry to do the whole “DH says” thing, but I don’t know anything about crypto myself. I’m more of a matched betting kind of person!)

He says that DOGE is a joke coin, stay clear of it. But ADA is decent and proven, and will slowly go back up, so stay in it for the long haul. Couple of years.

He also says to stop using credit cards for purchases! It’s apparently the worst way to do it, and incurs additional costs.

FelicityPike · 23/02/2021 21:01

Sorry but this would be the end for my partner & I.

Pippin2028 · 23/02/2021 21:02

Crypto is a huge thing at the moment and it can be exciting when you see your investment rise, and disheartening when it falls, but it is like gambling, you shouldn't put in what you can't afford to lose. Although there is the big' he who dares wins'. He has made a mistake and cypto has dropped alot today, but it will go back up and you may recoup the money.
If this is the first time it's happened, of course you are mad but you can work through it. If it becomes a regular occurrence you will need to evaluate things. But try and work through this, crypto did drop alot today but next week you could potentially have recouped it all (as an example).
I'm sure you must be so angry especially with savings but if this is the first major thing, it's possible to work on it and move on from it. Only you know what feels right for you to do

FortunesFave · 23/02/2021 21:02

Dh's best mate has just lost 80 grand in Crypto. These idiots think they've found a get rich quick scheme. OP it's not the same as stocks...it's Crypto....yes you can make money but as others have said you need to know what you're doing and even then it's got more in common with gambling than anything.

mysticpizza · 23/02/2021 21:03

@Onedropbeat

But yes he probably does need a cuddle

A cuddle, some tender head strokes and then a firm word about it after he knows you are still there for him

If he’d done it before he’d be out but sounds like he won’t make that mistake again

Fuck me. A cuddle and a 'there there' is the last thing a gambling addict needs. A cold dose of reality is what's required and he starts with full financial transparency. You need to know the full picture, OP. You're entirely justified in asking given the lying and draining of savings. Look for undisclosed credit, undisclosed bank accounts and make damn sure he can't access any other accounts or savings.

Gambling addiction ('stocks and shares' look respectable but it's all a rose by any name) takes all involved to hell. If he's an addict he can and will drag everyone around down with him until he's had enough. Look after you.

WhirlingGerbil · 23/02/2021 21:05

If this is the first time it's happened, of course you are mad but you can work through it. If it becomes a regular occurrence you will need to evaluate things. But try and work through this, crypto did drop alot today but next week you could potentially have recouped it all (as an example).

A regular occurrence? Would someone actually let this happen twice?

WhirlingGerbil · 23/02/2021 21:07

*But yes he probably does need a cuddle

A cuddle, some tender head strokes and then a firm word about it after he knows you are still there for him

If he’d done it before he’d be out but sounds like he won’t make that mistake again*

Tender head strokes with a frying pan.

Tempusfudgeit · 23/02/2021 21:07

Oh, dear God, please don't marry him. Have your finances completely separate. Even doing this, know that your children might lose their home. Open your eyes.

InescapableDeath · 23/02/2021 21:08

He has form for poor spending choices and I think it would be likely to happen again. I couldn’t forgive him spending all my savings. (Or is it ‘just’ some?)

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2021 21:10

When he was 20 he won 10k on a game show. He gambled half feeling he was on a roll. Lost it. Gave a quarter away and probably ate the rest.

People who end up with gambling addictions often have an early, significant win. Intermittent reward works when you're animal training, we are just complicated animals.

Should have let him keep the whole amount on his credit card, no talk of joint savings being used.

He hasn't married you for 10 years, if he magically offers soon, don't.

jayritchie · 23/02/2021 21:11

What 'investment qualifications' does he have? Seems strange to have qualifications and not invested in assets previously? Is this a case of little knowledge, big confidence?

mumwon · 23/02/2021 21:12

www.msn.com/en-gb/money/other/bitcoin-price-crash-why-is-cryptocurrency-market-collapsing/ar-BB1dWqFV?ocid=msedgntp
as I previously stated please the FCA advise - anybody who thinks this is a good idea - its extremely risky

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