Partner losing £££ in stocks

[iwanttotravel]

Good evening Mumsnet!

Hope someone can tell me if I am being unreasonable or not as I am unsure if I am over reacting. But I am feeling really hurt and embarrassed.

My DP of more then 10 years took an interest in cryptocurrency over the weekend. I don't know anything about it and find the whole thing confusing tbh. And although he hasn't traded in stocks before he does have investment qualifications. He told me he put ££ in some particular stock as a bit of fun, I smiled and nodded, his money his life, his fun and all that...

Yesterday I saw one of his tweets talking to someone about a different stock (not the one he had mentioned to me) and that he had bought and bought and bought again as it was low and a 'steal' apparently.

I asked him about it and he told me he had bought a bit more, (still only within ££) but I found out he had went over his monthly allowance on his credit card so would need to borrow money from savings to cover him to avoid interest charges.

This upset me as he effectively gambled our savings without asking me. He said he would cover the cost the following month and made me feel like it was his business not mine. We went to bed. I forgot about it.

Today. He messages me 'may have messed up a little bit'. That while he was purchasing, some of the payments were not processing and were in fact duplicating entries!!!! He had actually spent 10X the amount of what he originally said £££. This would all need to come from our savings and he will pay back in installments.

I told him I knew he was lying. He denied. Everything he was saying didn't add up. But he looked me dead in the eye and told me this was a bank error. He swore on our kids lives. And then long story short, he did lie and admitted to all the purchases. He lied.

I'm so sorry this went on for so long. I'm just in tears. He said he felt embarrassed about telling me. These stocks are tanking and he's losing money and I somehow feel sorry for him but he looked me dead in the eye and lied through his teeth.

I've been thinking about handing my engagement ring back. I just don't like the lying. He very well could have wiped our savings out in a weekend. He says he's going to pay it back but I want some advice on what to do. I get it's his life but if this gets worse it puts me and our kids at risk. I believe it to be incredibly reckless and could use some help as to if I'm being unfair or not.

Also any advice on people who have dealt with gamblers in the past would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

"someone cracks the code" what the bitcoin code 😂😂😂 I mean I don't know that much but that's funny.

Em, this is a serious potential in the future with quantum computing. Bitcoin could well be vulnerable but according to VB Ethereum has been foolproofed.

My DH has very recently invested in this too.

However the key difference is that DH spoke to me about what he wanted to do and I gave him the go ahead and we decided on a figure to invest together. Also he only bought an amount which we would be fine to lose if they went down.

When the value went down recently DH was a little bit annoyed but understands it’s a long term investment so will go up and down.

Your partner shouldn’t be buying with large sums of money you can’t afford to lose, without discussing with you and it shouldn’t be a short term investment.

It was just the comment "crack the code" that I thought was funny. As though the right hacker could work it out. When the reality is we're talking quantum computing or harnessing most of the worlds computing power etc.

Theoretically yes with quantum computing there is a level of risk to ecc

He swore on his kids lives, and then admitted lying. That's disgusting. Dunno how you can share a house with him let alone want to marry him still. You can do so much better than a gambling addict who is a moron.

How can you trust a man who swears on his children's lives, even if he spoke the truth. What goes through the head of a person who would do that. It is pretty disturbing to consider what forces may be controlling this person.

Theres a huge difference between a gambling addict and someone who made poor choices over 1 weekend...

It would be very unfair to label him such over 1 instance of bad decisions. If you get drunk once, does that automatically make you an alcoholic...?

We've all done things we regret. Sometimes our partner finds out, sometimes they dont.

Sometimes you just have to accept it, talk it out and keep moving forwards. Because no matter who youre with, there will be always be some issue or problem down the road (either your fault, theirs, or no ones...its just life).

A relationship is sacrifice and very hard work. A true/genuine love doesn't show itself when things are going well, but when overcoming obstacles like this.

@BalancedIndividual

Theres a huge difference between a gambling addict and someone who made poor choices over 1 weekend...

It would be very unfair to label him such over 1 instance of bad decisions. If you get drunk once, does that automatically make you an alcoholic...?

We've all done things we regret. Sometimes our partner finds out, sometimes they dont.

Sometimes you just have to accept it, talk it out and keep moving forwards. Because no matter who youre with, there will be always be some issue or problem down the road (either your fault, theirs, or no ones...its just life).

A relationship is sacrifice and very hard work. A true/genuine love doesn't show itself when things are going well, but when overcoming obstacles like this.

Read the rest of the ops comments. This isn't new for him. He won a large amount in a TV show when younger and lost the lot on nothing. He gambles frequently. He's an addict.

I agree with pp, get your share of joint savings out now and in to your own account (if there’s any left).

You won’t ever be able to trust him again.

Sorry but how much is this costing you? So yes the lying and swearing on kids lives was bad but say he lost 1500 it's more forgivable than 40k.

''How can you trust a man who swears on his children's lives, even if he spoke the truth. What goes through the head of a person who would do that. ''

if he was telling the truth I wouldn't see a problem with swearing on my kids lives.

My partner put 10 grand in stocks and shares before I met him when he withdrew the money 6 years later it was barely a grand.

That was his money before I met him if he did that with our money now I'd be fuming. I would want control of all the money.

''Teenage boys as young as 16 are betting on soccer matches to give the game extra excitement, and sport is usually what reels in men early.

For women lotto cards and slot machines are traditionally favoured by them.''

true you rarely see women in a bookies although research shows that the lotto is predominantly played by men. My neighbour, a builder who would earn well, spends about 400 quid a week on scratch cards. He has a coke and drink problem too so it is an addiction thing.

I know cos I am pals with his poor wife.

@SummaLuvin

My fear would be that if he feels alone or upset or worried, like he can't talk to you, he might make more bad and rash decisions. The last thing you want is him putting in more money in the hopes that will cover any loss a la Nick Leeson with Barings Bank. What he has done is absolutely not acceptable but communication is more important than ever now.

He’s not a child though! He’s a grown man.

I think the initial secrecy and then the lying is the most worrying thing and I’d be concerned that this could be the start of a gambling addiction. As it’s out of character I’d be inclined to give him one more chance but any more risky behaviour with money, without discussing it with you, and I’d be having a very very serious conversation with him.

Scrolled to the end to comment because I can't take it any more. It's tolerable that OP said "stocks" when she meant cryptocurrency, but multiple posters are talking about it as if "investing" in crypto is the same thing as investing in shares. It isn't.

IMO the word "investing" should only apply to things that have a positive expected real return. Shares, bonds, property etc.

If you put money into Crypto you are gambling/speculating. It's not an investment. Gold, commodities and foreign currencies are also not investments by my definition, as they generally return at most inflation.

One way of looking at investments is to subdivide their returns into two components, fundamental and speculative. On a share in a company, the fundamental return is the actual future profits the company makes, the speculative return is the difference between that and what the investor gets in dividends and price appreciation. The fundamental return is generally positive, if you average across enough companies and a long enough time. The total speculative returns to all investors will be zero over the whole life of each share.

Just because some people speculate in shares, it doesn't mean that's a good or even rational way to try and make money. You can make money in shares by aiming for the fundamental return though.

When you invest in crypto, you are investing in something that only has speculative return. Over the life of a crypto, from beginning to end, there can be no overall return to all investors. If any individual investor walks away with more than they put in, every penny of profit comes out of other peoples losses. This isn't true with shares, for example, as money has come into the stock via the underlying profits of the business.

@RandomLondoner

Scrolled to the end to comment because I can't take it any more. It's tolerable that OP said "stocks" when she meant cryptocurrency, but multiple posters are talking about it as if "investing" in crypto is the same thing as investing in shares. It isn't.

IMO the word "investing" should only apply to things that have a positive expected real return. Shares, bonds, property etc.

If you put money into Crypto you are gambling/speculating. It's not an investment. Gold, commodities and foreign currencies are also not investments by my definition, as they generally return at most inflation.

One way of looking at investments is to subdivide their returns into two components, fundamental and speculative. On a share in a company, the fundamental return is the actual future profits the company makes, the speculative return is the difference between that and what the investor gets in dividends and price appreciation. The fundamental return is generally positive, if you average across enough companies and a long enough time. The total speculative returns to all investors will be zero over the whole life of each share.

Just because some people speculate in shares, it doesn't mean that's a good or even rational way to try and make money. You can make money in shares by aiming for the fundamental return though.

When you invest in crypto, you are investing in something that only has speculative return. Over the life of a crypto, from beginning to end, there can be no overall return to all investors. If any individual investor walks away with more than they put in, every penny of profit comes out of other peoples losses. This isn't true with shares, for example, as money has come into the stock via the underlying profits of the business.

Crypto is definately not the same as shares, and I think people have become confused because a lot of share platforms now offer trading in crypto or crypto derivatives.

Most people say they are "investing" in crypto when they really mean speculating, but there are none the less ways to invest.

For example Ethereum moved to proof of stake with the London upgrades, those who stake ethereum gain a set return based on the fees paid for transactions on the eth network. (low risk if you know what you are doing and have the capital to run a full node, medium risk if you are using a decentralised staking service, high risk if you are using a centralised platform)

You can also lend your crypto on various platforms which provide a fixed return for a period or a long term variable return. (variable risk depending on platform)

Liquidity mining - where you provide two cryptos and receive fees from those who swap between them is also a thing. (variable risk depending on pairs and platform)

Yield farming, where you stake your liquidity mining tokens to receive another token is another way that people invest in crypto. (high risk).

Crypto is truely amazing but so many people rush headlong into it without the vaguest understanding of what it is all about.

Zombie thread. Op hasn't returned to the thread since Feb 21.

My BIL was like your DP. Wanted to be the Big I Am with his gambling investments which always took a nose dive.

My DSis forgave him again and again, he said he had a gambling addiction but he was just a giant selfish knobhead.

One day she finally got fed up and told him he would have to sell his flashy car and get a modest runabout. He acted like a spoilt child and tantrummed but she wouldn't give in. He was so furious that his selfishness had finally affected him that he eventually left her for a work colleague with loads of money and continues to overspend her money now.