DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

[JosieJarker]

No way.
Spend the money on a specialist nanny to help him look after his kids while you have equal weekends away.
Even if you stay at a Travelodge, he is taking the royal piss and he needs to realise that asap.

[BiggerBoat1]

YABU. Tell him its fine as long as he scopes out the best hotel for you to stay in sometime!
There doesn't seem any real reason for him not to go except that you will feel envious.
Maybe you need a short break too to start getting your 5 yr old used to being without you.

[FeckinCat]

Basically, 'that's not fair!'.

That would be a definite "no" from me then.

He wants to go off to your preferred holiday destination with someone he isn't even particularly close to, leaving you to deal with all the shit-work.

Nope.

[seven30]

Why have stag nights turned into weekends turned into whole bloody holidays? It's a bit ridiculous

[2littleguineas]

Why doesn't he take the week off work and use it to spend one to one time with your daughter so that she can also be minded by either you or him. What if something happened and you were ill or had to go away, it's astonishing that her father isn't prioritising her needs over hobbies etc.
This is what he needs to sort out in his life right now, not some fun filled trip away while you get on with it all.

[FrumpyDumpyDragon]

I'd be furious (and hurt) at the suggestion, but it sounds like you have a very different relationship from mine (much more of him going off on his own and leaving you to take care of everything and everyone yourself), so maybe it's not quite so dramatic from your perspective.

The point I keep coming back to is that he didn't seem to care about going with you, but is excited to go with others. That would really bother me.

He's an adult with adult responsibilities, even though it sounds like you've made things easier for him up to this point by always being willing to be the responsible one who stays with the kids. I think this would be asking far too much in what seems to be a very lenient, laissez-faire marriage. You're hardly keeping him on a chain, but there are limits to what's fair to ask of your spouse.

[combatbarbie]

Why are you sole carer for the disabled child? Does he not parent?

[Bluntness100]

You can still go in a few years and it’s not him stopping you going and doing stuff it’s the fact your child is reliant.

I also think you’re being unreasonable, it seems like you’re stopping him simply because you don’t feel you could do it. So a kind of “if I’m going to suffer you can too”

[DuzzyFuck]

Yikes. YANBU OP.

At the very least can you reach a compromise and he join the stag for 3 or 4 nights but not the entire 6? And only on condition that the two of you go together another time?

Who plans a long-haul stag weekend for a bloody week in this economy anyway? If they're all approaching their 40s and go out there trying to emulate 'The Hangover' they'll be half dead by day 3, waste of time and money

[TheyIsMyFamily]

I would say no, you're not ok with it.

And I think he needs to facilitate some time away from you next. You do, too. What if you were to become ill; he'd have to cope and so would your child. You both need to work on that because shit happens as we've all learned this year.

[HaveANiceFuckingDay]

I couldn't get too worked up about it to be fair .. I'm literally looking at villas in spain for my 50th with my women friends and without my DH . If it's a one off it's fine.. if it's an annual thing I might have issue if I couldn't get away

[Candyfloss99]

I think primarily you need to work on him being able to cope with being left with his autistic child. It shouldnt always be your responsibility.

[Cloudbeeb]

The point I keep coming back to is that he didn't seem to care about going with you, but is excited to go with others. That would really bother me

Meh I'd rather go to Vegas with my friends rather than DH, doesn't mean I don't love him or enjoy spending time with him, just that id rather go to Vegas and party with friends rather than just us 2. Most other places I'd rather go with him.

Because you say he would facilitate you going away if it was possible I don't think he's being wildly unreasonable, but if you don't feel it is fair I think thats also reasonable. If his friends are going for x days that's probably why he wants to go for that amount of time and wouldnt be the same joining part way through. The bigger issue I suppose is whether he does his share when he is home?

[LocalHobo]

I think you are unreasonable in not beginning to ensure your autistic 5 year old can be left with someone else overnight, and obviously DH should be the first to step up. Who knows if you will have to be unavailable at some stage?
As to the stag do in Vegas, why, when the groom is not a good friend would DH rather spend 6 days with him and various hangers on than you? So yeah, he shouldn't go.

I am friends with a couple in a similar situation though, and I know the DH in that relationship feels his wife uses their child as an excuse to no longer do late night/overnight social events but resents him doing things.
It will be interesting to see if things have changed with them when lockdown is over.

[ChristOnAPeloton]

YANBU.

How far away does the friend live? Speaks volumes that they weren’t close enough (pre-Covid) to meet up at home, but suddenly they’re besties enough to fly to the other side of the world for a week.

[bjjgirl]

I would have no issue with it but I would also be in a position to go myself somewhere

[FrumpyDumpyDragon]

So a kind of “if I’m going to suffer you can too”

OP is "suffering" because she and her husband had a child who apparently can only be cared for by her. So because she's a responsible parent who doesn't want to cause her child distress, her husband shouldn't feel a twinge of guilt about going off on yet another totally unnecessary lark with some mates (not even best mates, at that)? She shouldn't be sad that he's happy to leave her to deal with it all, yet again?

I'd be working hard on getting the children to the point that OP can leave them for at least an evening, but in the meantime, it's not as though OP had these children herself. He's their father, and he should act like it. That means "Party Time" is limited.

[Quartz2208]

THe thing is he asked a question and you gave an honest answer OP and that is all that is needed -- you arent happy with it and you are entirely reasonable not to be.

Now I would just stick with it (its a reasonable response) because even though it isnt fair he cant go it isnt fair on you either - the situation is what it is.

If this year has taught anything is that life isnt fair we just need to move on and accept it

[Swordfish1]

Not a fuckin chance and I'd be pissed off he'd suggested it as you say. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

This.

If it was his absolute best mate, then I can kind of understand a little why he might ask, but not for someone he hardly ever sees and you're only invites to the evening part of their wedding! I mean, WTF!

You are so not being unreasonable here. He shouldn't even have asked and put you in the awkward position of saying you aren't happy about it.

[iklboo]

Yabu can afford it and he would be happy for you to have a night away- take a night away,

He wants to go to Vegas for SIX nights, spending thousands, not a night away. He's not even invited to the full wedding.

[Sonicbloom]

He’s also getting plenty of time for his hobbies etc so he isn’t exactly suffering

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

@Kotatsu

Marry him.

Then when it all falls apart you have much better protection. If you have to let this happen, do it. Keep all paperwork.

We're already married. Have been for ten years.

[FrumpyDumpyDragon]

Meh I'd rather go to Vegas with my friends rather than DH, doesn't mean I don't love him or enjoy spending time with him, just that id rather go to Vegas and party with friends rather than just us 2. Most other places I'd rather go with him.

Really appreciating my husband, right now...

I can't imagine preferring to spend thousands on a trip with someone who's barely a friend over the same trip with my husband.

Yeah, I'd still be very hurt if DH husband shrugged at my suggestion, then turned right around and wanted to go with someone else.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

He goes away several times in the year

You don’t go away due to dd autism and carer

He needs to man up and spent more time with dd

He’s her dad. You should be able to leave her with him for a night

Not saying a week

Las Vegas with dp v friends

Friends wouid be more Fun

But no one needs a 6 day stag or hen do

Weekend or overnight fine

Plus not a close friend or good friend if onlt wedding is evening but expects thousands spent on his stag

[Chewingle]

What support network do you have?

If you will struggle and be alone and he knows this and yet still really wants to go. - unreasonable

But if you’d be ok and have support then - yeah I’d be happy with him going. You say good marriage and that sometimes involves the other party doing something that makes your life difficult but they really want to do