DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I would feel the same about him going anywhere for a week at this stage of the children's lives to be honest with our child having as high needs as she does. It's made worse because it's something I've wanted to do in years to come and he's been lukewarm about it.

We can afford it, but still it will cost a bloody fortune. We wouldn't go short because of it but it's still money that could go towards overpaying the mortgage etc. It's not going to be hundreds, nearly a week in Vegas is it. More like thousands.

[Youseethethingis]

Unless for a close friend I’d not be too thrilled about this.
What is it with these guys who are so superfluous to family life that even they think they wouldn’t be missed if they fucked off on a jolly for a week?
Also would be a bit hurt to be seen as the B team if he wants to go with some friend he’s not seen in years but not fussed about going with you. That’s a bit shit.
Overall, I’d say he’s been a twit and you’re right not to roll over and say “oh of course I don’t mind darling, in fact take two weeks”

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Wait - so you HAVE spoken to him? What did he say in response?

That I am unreasonable!

Basically, 'that's not fair!'.

[Lorw]

Question. Take away the fact you have a disabled son who relies on you specifically at the moment. If it was reversed and you turned around to him and said you were going to have a jolly off to Vegas for a hen do, would he be happy about it and happy to take care of the kids on his own for a week?

[TokyoSushi]

If I got the opportunity to go and could afford it no problem, I would absolutely love to go! If DH is otherwise generally 'good' and would let you go if you wanted to then I'd be fine with him going.

Could you compromise and he goes for maybe 4 nights?

[TokyoSushi]

Ah, I do see what you mean about you really wanting to go and DH being previously not bothered. I have somewhere that I'd love to go (Iceland) and Dh isn't bothered, I'd be livid if he chose to go there with somebody else!

[C0RAL]

Why can’t he start to deal with your 5 year old at nights so they are not so dependent on you? I’m guessing you don’t nap during the day when you are up at night, so your husband can do it just as well as you.

TBH It sounds like you work 168 hours a week and he works 40, then pisses of to his hobbies, sports and weekends away. You need more equality in your lives all year round.

And yes I do think it’s in unreasonable for him to take nearly a weeks holiday with a distant friend leaving you caring full time. If he’s got plenty annual leave and money he could take his kids away with some of his friends and their kids and give you a break.

[BeeDavis]

I think you’re being massively unreasonable here. You say you wanted to go Vegas for joint birthdays but then in another breath say that you have a child you can’t leave, even overnight so in his eyes he was never going to get that trip, was he! I feel bad for the guy.

[HollowTalk]

What the hell happened to stag nights being a pub crawl, a curry and tying a naked groom to a lamp post?

[WhoStoleMyCheese]

Disabled child aside I'd be massively pissed if I wanted to go somewhere that expensive and my spouse was lukewarm - but suddenly willing to spend that amount of money with his friends.
Have you challenged him with this fact?
If he really cannot see your point and make any concessions then he's behaving like a right twat

[Dontbeme]

He gets a weekend away every three months with his mates but you haven't had a night away in five years? Yeah this is not about Vegas this is about him getting to opt out of parenting so often. This is about you being the default grown up that puts the kids first and him stomping his foot that "it's not fair". What's fair about you never having a break and I know everyone will go "carer for a high needs DC" but you didn't conceive those kids on your own OP, why are you parenting them alone?

[AryaStarkWolf]

I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This would annoy me the most tbh

[naptune]

I don’t think YABU at all and I’d be really annoyed that he’s never really been bothered about going with you but now his friend asks he really wants to go. He’s being very unreasonable to be so far away from home for so long especially when you have a disabled child. He gets time with his friends and to himself frequently and he isn’t even a major part of this wedding. It seems like a no brainier to turn it down

[DimidDavilby]

Not a fuckin chance and I'd be pissed off he'd suggested it as you say. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

[unmarkedbythat]

I'd not want to marry a man who wanted his stag do to be a 6 day extravaganza (and I'm sure a man like that would have no interest in marrying me either!)

[rawalpindithelabrador]

He's a massive cunt for asking this and knows it. MASSIVE. You'll get 'no big deal' because people are overlooking the autistic child part. He gets a lot of time out. We have a child with autism and even as a teen, we have to be careful and trade out time away.

Compromise and he goes 4 nights? He won't. And also, it's 10,000 miles away! FFS.

I'd be fucking LIVID. You're not being outspoken enough.

It will cost a Fortune. He's bloody 40 and still wanting to run off with the lads every few months and leave you holding the bag.

No.fucking.way.

'You're unfair!' 'Yep, life's been really unfair. It does that.'

I couldn't stay with someone so immature and selfish. Something like this would be a dealbreaker.

[Youllbeoldertoo]

Yabu can afford it and he would be happy for you to have a night away- take a night away, I’m sure your son would be fine with his dad. It’s good for you to have time away as well.

I’d let my husband go if we could afford it.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This one is the kicker for me - just noticed PP said the same!

If you can’t leave your DC overnight though, I can see why this would be tricky but if my DP went to a dream holiday destination without me I’d be ticked off too.

I’d certainly be expecting some form of balance along the lines of cleaner/extra help around the house, takeaways while he’s away and generally making life as easy as possible for myself, which if you can afford a week in Vegas then you can definitely afford this.

And then work towards getting some time away, whether with him or someone else, if you can get some respite care for your DC. It’s too much for you to be doing all this 24/7 for years on end while he’s living the carefree life of man unaffected by such mundane matters as caring for his own DC.

[SinkGirl]

@MaLarkinn

I wouldn't be bothered about this at all.

Can you tell him you also want to go to Las Vegas at some point.

I’m guessing you don’t have disabled children then

We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

OP, I have twins who are both autistic and if DH did this he wouldn’t be coming back. I would never leave him for almost a week for a jolly either. I stopped reading your post at the point I’ve quoted above. YANBU.

[SplendidSuns1000]

How would he feel if you were the one going away for a week? I doubt he'd be thrilled about it.

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

@BeeDavis

I think you’re being massively unreasonable here. You say you wanted to go Vegas for joint birthdays but then in another breath say that you have a child you can’t leave, even overnight so in his eyes he was never going to get that trip, was he! I feel bad for the guy.

I wanted us to go in a few years, when they children are older and we might possibly be able to leave DD. We're mid/late 30s.

[SinkGirl]

I feel bad for the guy.

Yes, boo fucking hoo.

[Notaroadrunner]

What kind of husband would head off leaving his wife with 2 young kids, one with extra needs, knowing that his wife cannot have the same luxury? Mine wouldn't even consider it. You both have young children - not just you. He should be focusing on spending time helping you with the kids more, and maybe then you will get to a stage where you can leave your dd for a weekend. That way both of you get to have a break away. It's certainly unfair that he's the only one in the family getting away for weekend breaks, let alone a week in Las Vegas.

[pinkyredrose]

Has he said why he's so keen to go with these guys when he wasn't keen to go with you?

[diddl]

So he asked if you mind, you said you did mind & he says that it's not fair?

Sometimes, just because you can, it doesn't mean that you should!