DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

[LolaSmiles]

YANBU
I don't think things can be tit for tat on nights away, but the attitude makes the difference. I'd probably reluctantly agree to the stag if we could afford it AND he hadn't had much time away, but your DH seems to be playing with the boys all the time so no way.

You also need some respite and time for your own interests, and that will mean him stepping up and developing strategies to deal with your DC's high needs. He can't have the 'oh but they are fine for you and I can't manage' card to play indefinitely.

Ps. The "it's not fair" from his makes him sound like a teenager who has been told he can't play out.

[cheeseismydownfall]

This is a hard one OP. From what you've said about your circumstances, I think you have a very healthy attitude and are already being very accommodating in supporting him having fairly regular breaks away which would be impossible for you to also enjoy. Rightly or wrongly, a lot of partners would be much more resentful of their parents going away every few months and leaving them with responsibility for two young children, one with considerable needs, when there is no prospect of you being able to do the same.

Given that, it is really disappointing that your DH has now put you in the position of having to be the bad guy and spell out what should be perfectly fucking obvious, that actually he has it pretty bloody good in the circumstances and he shouldn't even be asking about a six day trip that will leave you holding everything together.

[IHateCoronavirus]

YANBU you wanted to go to LV as a couple. He wasn’t fussed about doing that. Now when friends are going he is?

It is also the bias towards you taking the responsibility for the children that irks me.

He had his hobbies, he had had time away.
Do you have hobby time op? Time to yourself? Time out/away with friends?
If the answer is no he shouldn’t even be asking.

[Iloveacurry]

It would be a no from me. He’s not even that close to the bloke if he’s just an evening guest.

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

@pinkyredrose

Has he said why he's so keen to go with these guys when he wasn't keen to go with you?

He always says it'd be fine, and he'd be happy about it. But I wouldn't even consider it (couldn't at the moment) but regardless I think it's a pretty shit thing to do to bugger off for a week leaving the other to do everything in our circumstances. It's easy to say that anyway when you know it's not a possibility!

[Sonicbloom]

I think his response is really immature. He asked what you thought and you’ve told him. It’s not fair is something my toddler says. Perhaps you started off confrontationally when you talked about it? I don’t know but we had a situation like this when I was heavily pregnant about a few weeks to go and dh wanted to go abroad for 2 weeks. In one way I really wanted him too ( great chance before fatherhood responsibilities) but on the other hand I was miles from family and feeling vulnerable about to give birth. I just talked to him about how I felt. He was fine with it and hopefully he’ll be taking that trip in a year or so. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right. For you it isn’t right and is stressing you out already. It might be different if it was his best mate but it’s not a close friend and it’s basically a big jolly with the lads responsibility free. When your child is older or there is better support in place or when the relationship is more balanced so you get breaks too - then he should go

[Mydogmylife]

@MaLarkinn

I wouldn't be bothered about this at all.

Can you tell him you also want to go to Las Vegas at some point.

Read the post - op has already said that she has mentioned that she would like to go for a special birthday

[FuckyouBrennan]

Why is he taking the piss?

[Sonicbloom]

@cheeseismydownfall

This is a hard one OP. From what you've said about your circumstances, I think you have a very healthy attitude and are already being very accommodating in supporting him having fairly regular breaks away which would be impossible for you to also enjoy. Rightly or wrongly, a lot of partners would be much more resentful of their parents going away every few months and leaving them with responsibility for two young children, one with considerable needs, when there is no prospect of you being able to do the same.

Given that, it is really disappointing that your DH has now put you in the position of having to be the bad guy and spell out what should be perfectly fucking obvious, that actually he has it pretty bloody good in the circumstances and he shouldn't even be asking about a six day trip that will leave you holding everything together.

Agree with this. Painting you now as the bad guy not letting him go is not on. He should have figured out not to ask in the first place

[Quartz2208]

He wants to spend thousands on a stag do he is an evening guest to?

[YukoandHiro]

Fuck. That.
If he goes, you get the same before the end of January. If he won't agree to that, he knows he's taking the piss. If he will, enjoy the break.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This one is the kicker for me - just noticed PP said the same!

If you can’t leave your DC overnight though, I can see why this would be tricky but if my DP went to a dream holiday destination without me I’d be ticked off too.

I’d certainly be expecting some form of balance along the lines of cleaner/extra help around the house, takeaways while he’s away and generally making life as easy as possible for myself, which if you can afford a week in Vegas then you can definitely afford this.

And then work towards getting some time away, whether with him or someone else, if you can get some respite care for your DC. It’s too much for you to be doing all this 24/7 for years on end while he’s living the carefree life of man unaffected by such mundane matters as caring for his own DC.

Agree with all of this. I appreciate that, with a child of 2.5 with additional needs, it may be more trouble than it's worth for you to try to go away for a night at the moment, but it sounds like your DH could be doing a lot more to share the parenting burden and give you some Me time, even if it's not overnight.

[YukoandHiro]

Ps: you don't need to go away with mates, you just need to get the child free time. Go away by yourself to a spa if necessary

[IndecentFeminist]

If they're not close friends, it's a piss take.

[Anydreamwilldo12]

He's all me me me isn't he. Gets his weekends away frequently with the lads but still wants more. Did you remind him he wasn't keen to go with you when you've mentioned it?
He sounds like he likes to regularly check out of family life!!

[Branleuse]

id feel really put out by this if id been banging on about las vegas for a while and now its a mate he wants to go. I agree its taking the piss. Its not even a close mate. Its your turn for a break next anyway

[PositiveNegative]

This isn't about something for something.

This is about your DH not doing something to the extent that you are uncomfortable with it.

In his position, it would be reasonable for him to go for 4 out of the 6 nights. He just arranges his own flights.

His line to his mates needs to be "I'm so pleased to be coming. But I can only come for 4 nights because with 2 young DCs, one of whom has additional needs, its a lot to ask of Mrs Driven on her own".

Then there's not quite so much strain / cost / recovery time overall.

You shouldn't have to reach a painful, mean compromise on this. But he should be reasonable overall.

[nancywhitehead]

Hmm. A few thoughts.

1. He asked you what you think. He didn't just say yes without talking to you.
   
   
2. "Completely unnecessary" and "Normal level socialising" are really quite arbitrary and different for each individual person. You are putting your own judgments/ opinions onto another person who is not you.
   
   
3. Going to Las Vegas with a group of friends is a very different experience to going with your partner. Don't be upset that he's been lukewarm about going with you but is more interested in going with a group of mates. It's the same place but they are very different trips, and it's a very fun place to be with a big group of people. He could also be picking up on the party vibes from the group and that is making him want to go.
   
   Really we all only get one life and it's important to live it and have the experiences we want to have, and to find ways to work that into our lives and responsibilities where we can.
   
   He should definitely be mindful of giving you a break, too, and putting a plan in place for whilst he is away. But really I think if this is something he wants to do then it's important to try and facilitate it if you can.

[Love51]

@Lorw

Question. Take away the fact you have a disabled son who relies on you specifically at the moment. If it was reversed and you turned around to him and said you were going to have a jolly off to Vegas for a hen do, would he be happy about it and happy to take care of the kids on his own for a week?

You can't take away the child's disabilities. That's the annoying thing about disabilities.

A family with a child with disabilities is what they are. There's no point saying it would be different if they didn't have.


OP Vegas isn't my cup of tea, but I'd be annoyed if my DH went somewhere on a stag do that I wanted to go to but couldn't. I can't articulate why, but it would be hurtful.

[notdaddycool]

Cheeky git, but yes, let him go so long as he takes you for your 40th.

[Guineapigsarepigs]

Yanbu. If he has that much time to spare he should spend it helping your autistic DC to accept him as carer. So that time off can be split evenly. Show him this thread OP.

[MsMarch]

When the DC were the age yours are, I would not have been happy with this. Now, assuming childcare was in place because I have to work, I wouldn't think twice. So I do think its'a situational. The issue is that you don't feel you CAN get away at this point so it's frustrating for you but I'd be inclined to use this as an opportunity to really think about how you also get the rest you need. Yes, you're a carer, but maybe it's time for DH to really start stepping up more so that you have more freedom?

[yearinyearout]

YANBU at all. I too would be massively pissed off at this!

[Kotatsu]

Marry him.

Then when it all falls apart you have much better protection. If you have to let this happen, do it. Keep all paperwork.

[user1487194234]

Well it’s up to him
I would neither allow or not allow it