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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Stag almost week!

414 replies

drivenmadbyhomeschool · 23/02/2021 15:37

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

  • I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
  • in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
  • He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
  • I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Gemma2019 · 25/02/2021 11:32

Posted too soon - with your children that young and one with SN needing a full time carer I would be livid if my DH suggested going to Vegas for 6 nights. I think it would be different if it was a close friend or best mate but nope not happening in an "evening guest" situation. It will cost thousands.

BitOfFun · 25/02/2021 12:03

America is closed for business anyway, so it's moo (spot the reference).

TatianaBis · 25/02/2021 12:04

Moo?

BitOfFun · 25/02/2021 12:12

Moo!

TatianaBis · 25/02/2021 12:21

Oh yes, Joey.

YoniAndGuy · 25/02/2021 12:22

A couple of people have picked up on something I'd noticed too -

- He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.

He realises he's being used as a filler to make up numbers and help them get the stag for the cost they want, right?! Because a significant number of much nicer blokes have laughed and said sorry mate, an incredibly expensive 6-day break? Sorry, no can do!

But selfish saddo jumps at it.

Please take great pleasure in pointing this out to him. Groom doesn't give a shit about his company. How embarrassing for him to accept,.

Peff68 · 25/02/2021 13:18

I don’t know whether it’s been mentioned but have you thought of having couple nights away with your little one while dad looks after eldest on his own so he can appreciate all you do? It would be nice for you and your toddler to have a break.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2021 18:43

@Peff68

I don’t know whether it’s been mentioned but have you thought of having couple nights away with your little one while dad looks after eldest on his own so he can appreciate all you do? It would be nice for you and your toddler to have a break.
Many, many explanations about that upthread...
EKGEMS · 25/02/2021 19:30

@Jeeperscreepers69 You need to broaden your horizons and get out more-I don't think you can see past the end of your nose.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 25/02/2021 20:00

@EKGEMS. O right OK I'll do my best x thanks for the vile comment 🤣

Youseethethingis · 25/02/2021 20:11

The OP is not going anytime soon, life is too short. Sounds more reasonable to try to have a life His having a life comes at the expense of his supposed equal partners life. Lovely.
So much healthier than being resentful or getting more and more annoyed with a partner who doesn't "allow" you to do anything. what about the OPs resentment at this clown thinking the grunt work of looking after his home and children isn’t really for him to deal with because “life is too short”?
What about another phrase - “life’s not fair”? OP has to suck it up and there’s no earthly reason why her children’s father shouldn’t be expected to do the same.

BitOfFun · 25/02/2021 21:22

[quote Jeeperscreepers69]@EKGEMS. O right OK I'll do my best x thanks for the vile comment 🤣[/quote]
What “vile comment” ? Confused You must have a much lower vileness threshold than I do- which makes how flippant and dismissive your post to the OP pretty puzzling...

Mittens030869 · 25/02/2021 21:35

@BitOfFun

Exactly. I would have thought @Jeeperscreepers69 was much more unpleasant, telling the OP not to be 'that wife'. Clearly another poster who is happy to dish it out but doesn't like it when they receive the same treatment themselves.

SoulofanAggron · 25/02/2021 21:37

He's going on a stag do, you've said you are fine with him going away every so often so i don't see the big deal?

@CaffineismyBFF It's 6 days. Like, twice or more the length of breaks they've agreed to him having before.

eatsleepread · 25/02/2021 21:40

You've said yourself that he would have the children if you went away. It is your choice not to.

Nothing7 · 25/02/2021 21:53

This!!

Nothing7 · 25/02/2021 21:54

@YoniAndGuy

A couple of people have picked up on something I'd noticed too -

- He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.

He realises he's being used as a filler to make up numbers and help them get the stag for the cost they want, right?! Because a significant number of much nicer blokes have laughed and said sorry mate, an incredibly expensive 6-day break? Sorry, no can do!

But selfish saddo jumps at it.

Please take great pleasure in pointing this out to him. Groom doesn't give a shit about his company. How embarrassing for him to accept,.

This a million times!!
SinkGirl · 25/02/2021 21:55

@eatsleepread

You've said yourself that he would have the children if you went away. It is your choice not to.
I’m guessing you’re another one who hasn’t been arsed to read the thread?
Nanny0gg · 25/02/2021 23:21

@eatsleepread

You've said yourself that he would have the children if you went away. It is your choice not to.
Because of the upset it would cause the child.
Ilady · 26/02/2021 03:28

Is your partner aware how lucky to get off a few weekends a year when you mind his 2 children and one of them has autism?

I think he is totally selfish asking can I head off for 6 days to Vegas with so called friends when your left doing it all on your own.
He been asked to bring down cost/make up numbers and other people have said no - they don't have the money/time/busy with family. Who plans a trip to Vegas in a pandemic and in the current economy?
You need to tell him that he can't head off for that length of time and that in reality you can't manage him being gone for 6 days and coming back with bad jet lag. I also tell him just how hard things are in reality to manage with your daughter and her needs. Let him know what you have to do to prepare your daughter for even the smallest change.

At this stage I look and see if there are any local support groups online for parents in your situation. Other people could tell you what they found helpful when their child was at your daughters age and could know of minders or respite to give you a break.
I also say to your husband that you mentioned how you like to go to Vegas for your 40th. Say to him that it's time you both started to work toward the goal of your daughter been left with other people without a major melt down.
I also think for your own physical and mental health that your partner should be minding your daughter more on his own. You need to show him what to do when certain things happen that can led to a meltdown. It time he realised that he in his 30s and a parent of 2 young children one with autism so he can't continue to act like a single man and expecting you to keep carrying the load.

Runnerduck34 · 26/02/2021 17:49

YANBU, it would piss me off too, he knows realistically you wont also get to go away, with your friends let alone for similar type holiday
and number of days. If it was his best mate or brother then maybe just maybe I could understand but for a mate he isnt close too , barely sees and who has only invited you to his evening reception then its very very unreasonable for him to go to such an extravagant stag do- particularly as you cant afford it and it will impact the family,. The fact its a place you've always wanted to visit just rubs salt in the wound

partyatthepalace · 27/02/2021 12:37

Hmm it’s a bit much 6 days, but he’ll probably have a great time and be in a good move for the next 3 months, so I’d not let it bother me much. However given the time away and that it’s not a close friend you could ask him not to without being unreasonable.

I know you aren’t asking this OP but the treats balance between you and DP seems very off - I would think about changing this or I think you will get resentful. If your friends don’t want to go away then yoga weekends??

And - whatever happens get the LV holiday fir you in the diary

Crazycrazylady · 27/02/2021 18:41

If it was a one off request I'd try and accommodate if I could because I know DH would try to facilitate me if at all possible.. these are the trips etc that in years to come, you say wish I'd done that . Hi

GiftedFish · 03/03/2021 22:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/03/2021 09:55

So what have you decided to do

There is no need fir him to go away for that amount of time , far away , leaving you fir a week to cope alone

If he did go do you have any gps about who can come and stay and help

Would he pay for childcare and have a nanny to look after /take out toddler while you have 121 with sn dd

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