DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

[QueenArseClangers]

That cash could be spent on paying a specialist babysitter/carer to come and try and build a relationship with your DC and giving you a break.
It could ‘pay’ for extra annual leave so he could be home to be with his kids.
It could perhaps pay for something to facilitate your child and his dad’s relationship too.

You may be comfortable financially but just imagine what that cash could do for your family instead of pissing up the wall in Vegas.

Who does he expect to support you whilst he buggers off? The jet lag/travelling to the airport time will add on too.

[Bluntness100]

Not a fuckin chance and I'd be pissed off he'd suggested it as you say. Tell him to grow the fuck up

Wow. I can’t imagine treating my husband like this. Or him me. I’d be out. Game over. Gone forever and not just six days.

[nancywhitehead]

Meh I'd rather go to Vegas with my friends rather than DH, doesn't mean I don't love him or enjoy spending time with him, just that id rather go to Vegas and party with friends rather than just us 2. Most other places I'd rather go with him

Exactly... Vegas is a perfect holiday for large groups really. I wouldn't be that bothered about going with my partner (there are lots of other places that are better for couples IMO), but if a group of my friends were going I'd want to tag along for the party.

[Chloemol]

Nope from me and I would be saying, great we can now go to Vegas for our 40th birthdays

[Cloudbeeb]

@FrumpyDumpyDragonp Guessing you willfully ignored the rest of my post, Vegas is probably the one country that yes I'd rather go with friends, yes. DH would probably say the same, I don't think us 2 heading down the strip alone would be the same as my friends. A bit different as he doesn't know the guy too well I guess.

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

I think I'd be pissed off. I can see both sides though, he is entitled to time off with his friends yes but it does seem a lot to have a whole week away (plus jet lag taking him out another day), to somewhere you want to go, when you can't. It's not that he should have a shit time because you are, but having a whole week somewhere you want to go does kind of feel like he isnt taking your feelings into account, it's going to be shit for you sitting at home looking after two kids wishing it was you, isn't it. It would be different if it was much cheaper, or a best friend, or somewhere that you weren't bothered about. But combined, I would struggle.

It's like if my husband was on a diet, I wouldnt restrict myself just because be was, but at the same time I don't think I'd spend a fortune on his favourite food and eat it infront of him, as I know he would feel bad at missing out.

[foodiefil]

@unmarkedbythat

I'd not want to marry a man who wanted his stag do to be a 6 day extravaganza (and I'm sure a man like that would have no interest in marrying me either!)

My thoughts exactly. Sounds a balloon headed tool

[Eddielzzard]

Nope. I don't think this is right. Thousands pissed up a wall with a bloke he's not close to, leaving a wife at home dealing with two kids, one autistic. How incredibly selfish. So selfish. When you have kids, especially with high needs, life changes. You have lost huge freedoms. There is no chance of reciprocation, so it's not within his means atm. 'Means' not meaning things of monetary value, but emotional and practical support. It smacks of 'I'm alright Jack' and fuck you, you can just stay home and hold the fort as you always do.

Having said all that, I do think you should start handing over to him more, because this is all very unbalanced.

[Marpan]

Depends where you are from but if it’s the U.K. we are all banned from travel to USA anyway. So he wouldn’t even get on the plane.

[minipie]

OP I suggest you ignore any posts from people who don’t have children with additional needs. It’s a different ball game.

I would say you are absolutely not being unreasonable based on your second point alone.

I would also suggest spending some money (since money is clearly not an issue) on some childcare help to ease the burden on you. Does your 2 year old go to nursery for example?

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

And yes maybe he should be working on building a closer relationship with your child so they arent so dependent on you rather than spend a chunk of his annual leave on someone he isnt that close to

[Chewingle]

@minipie

OP I suggest you ignore any posts from people who don’t have children with additional needs. It’s a different ball game.

I would say you are absolutely not being unreasonable based on your second point alone.

I would also suggest spending some money (since money is clearly not an issue) on some childcare help to ease the burden on you. Does your 2 year old go to nursery for example?

The op posted on mumsnet - a parenting forum

On AIBU - notoriously “forthright”

And didn’t specify - only looking for responses from parents with children with additional need

[foodiefil]

@Kotatsu

Marry him.

Then when it all falls apart you have much better protection. If you have to let this happen, do it. Keep all paperwork.

Huh?

[Hollywoodzc]

The best thing to do is hand the responsibility back to him. At the moment he’s blaming you for not ‘allowing’ him to go. Sit him down and say you’ve thought about it and decided it’s his decision, it’s totally up to him.
If he goes I’d be reconsidering the relationship, it’s not a partnership if the other person doesn’t pull their weight. I’d also be taking an equal amount of cash and putting it into my own account to use as I please.

[MoreMorelos]

My kids don't have additional needs, they're a lot older than yours and there would be no fucking chance he'd be going away like that, in the same respect I never would. We've been together a long time and don't do separate holidays

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@Bluntness100

Not a fuckin chance and I'd be pissed off he'd suggested it as you say. Tell him to grow the fuck up

Wow. I can’t imagine treating my husband like this. Or him me. I’d be out. Game over. Gone forever and not just six days.

I'd definitely be out if I had a husband who treated me, his wife, like this, totally.

[Bluntness100]

[quote Cloudbeeb]@FrumpyDumpyDragonp Guessing you willfully ignored the rest of my post, Vegas is probably the one country that yes I'd rather go with friends, yes. DH would probably say the same, I don't think us 2 heading down the strip alone would be the same as my friends. A bit different as he doesn't know the guy too well I guess.[/quote]
I’d go with my husband but with also a group of our friends, I’d not choose it just the two of us

Op, I’d agree though with the ones saying try to build up a way to have some time where your child is able to be left in someone else’s care, ideally your husband. You can then go in a few years as you plan, but with your mates.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@QueenArseClangers

That cash could be spent on paying a specialist babysitter/carer to come and try and build a relationship with your DC and giving you a break.
It could ‘pay’ for extra annual leave so he could be home to be with his kids.
It could perhaps pay for something to facilitate your child and his dad’s relationship too.

You may be comfortable financially but just imagine what that cash could do for your family instead of pissing up the wall in Vegas.

Who does he expect to support you whilst he buggers off? The jet lag/travelling to the airport time will add on too.

This.

[FrumpyDumpyDragon]

[quote Cloudbeeb]@FrumpyDumpyDragonp Guessing you willfully ignored the rest of my post, Vegas is probably the one country that yes I'd rather go with friends, yes. DH would probably say the same, I don't think us 2 heading down the strip alone would be the same as my friends. A bit different as he doesn't know the guy too well I guess.[/quote]
No, I read it.

I think the issue for me is, OP suggested Vegas. If your husband suggested Vegas to you (at a later date, when it would be possible) and you said, "Sure. Yeah, someday. We'll see!" then you decided to go to Vegas with friends (or someone who's just kind of a friend), I think that would be hurtful. It's different if you've never discussed Vegas with him before.

But the fact that he's going somewhere OP has specifically talked about going with her husband is really just rubbing salt into the wound. The bigger problem is his willingness to leaving her alone with all their joint responsibilities, when there are better ways they could spend the time and money. Doesn't sound like the behaviour of a great life partner. It's selfish!

[Sahm101]

Yanbu. There are a few issues here. He goes off every few months to have a carefree break. That's all great IF he also cared enough to ensure that
you also get a break. But he just dumps all responsibilities onto you and goes off. Secondly I would have a massive issue with him not wanting to go to celebrate milestone birthday's but jump at going with his friends. Another issue, is that its just too long. He gets a weekend away a few times a year so its not like this is a once in a lifetime catch up with mates. All in all, I wouldn't trust his eagerness to go.

[MiniTheMinx]

DH would have said no to his mate long before he thought to even ask me. Not because I am some unreasonable harridan either. But I am nearly 50 and perhaps I am a bit old fashioned and boring. I would never have chosen to be with a cool, forge ahead, high earning, expensive hobby doing, socialite of a selfish arse, with an entitled attitude who saw fit to leave me behind at the flimsiest of excuses. He wants to go to Vegas, you want to go to Vegas, so he should wait until you can both go

[Somerset19]

YANBU My husband used to always put his own friends first. It really used to hurt when he would spend hours planning nights and weekends away with them. It nearly split us up as I didn’t feel he was invested in our relationship or family. Since he has got older and Covid happened we have been happier than ever and I finally feel like a family unit.
Your husband is being totally unfair.

[TurquoiseDragon]

He always says it'd be fine, and he'd be happy about it.

It's easy for him to say that he'd be happy about being left behind in this situation, isn't it, given that he's never going to be in your position, OP.

He needs to step up and take on more of the care. He's getting to have a lot of money and time to himself while you are looking after your child 24/7. Just because you are the SAHM, and he works, doesn't mean you should be solely responsible for your child. He needs to parent too.

He's really taking the piss here.

[Bluntness100]

I think the issue for me is, OP suggested Vegas. If your husband suggested Vegas to you (at a later date, when it would be possible) and you said, "Sure. Yeah, someday. We'll see!" then you decided to go to Vegas with friends (or someone who's just kind of a friend), I think that would be hurtful

I just don’t get that. It isn’t like there’s a law that says you can only go once in your life time. He can go back with the op you know. Or are you of the impression if your partner wants to go someplace then you can never ever go without them?

[WorraLiberty]

I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!

How is any of that ^^ his fault though?

And him being 'luke warm' about your suggestion of going to Vegas together, is a red herring since it now turns out you were talking about in a few year's time.

If your friends wanted you to go to Vegas for 6 days and you could afford it and your DH was perfectly able to look after both kids, you'd go wouldn't you?