DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

[peak2021]

Thank you for updating and glad to read that sense has been seen and the response of your MIL.

[goodbyelenin]

@ftm202020

Glad it got resolved. So many cool wives here on this thread. Probably all the same ones who would be paying for their husbands to have a private dance in a strip club.

projecting much?

If you are happy to live with a husband banning you from having weekends with your girlfriends or god forbid going to a strip show, have a happy life. i couldn't live with such a controlling man, but I doubt mine is ever called a "cool husband' by his mates!

[ftm202020]

Glad it got resolved. So many cool wives here on this thread. Probably all the same ones who would be paying for their husbands to have a private dance in a strip club.

[Trumpety]

Oops, scrap that. Just realised I missed the latest update

[Trumpety]

To be honest, hopefully things should be pretty much back to normal by September (fingers crossed), which means:

1. He will be back in the office, so not around much during week days anyway, so it is actually only the weekend he will be missing
   

1. Your DD will be back at school, meaning you will get a break during school hours given that you are a SAHM
   

I think you should “let” him go

[RandomMess]

Good on your MIL for pointing out the obvious!

I hope the getting out together goes well 🤞

[PurpleFlower1983]

Good result OP and for what it’s worth YANBU at all.

[LongTimeMammaBear]

edding. We've never even met his fiancée.

• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.
  

This point would be the massive one for me because you say he wouldn’t have an issue your having time away. It’s the going someplace you’d like to go, but now he’d go without you

[Nothing7]

@drivenmadbyhomeschool

He's not going. We had a long discussion about it and I explained why I thought it was such a bad idea. He also went off moaning at some point to his mother about what a horrible old cow I am objecting so, while he was annoyed, and she gave him an absolute earful (she's fab, my MIL).

I'm don't know exactly what was said but I believe it was something along the lines of 'grow the hell up, you're being a total arse'.

He has apologised. I have said I don't think he needs to apologise for wanting to go, but to actually think he could atm is unreasonable. He agrees, now he's had time to think about it.

We are going to ensure that we work on trying to get a night away together some time over the next year or so. It might not be possible, yet, but we're going to start with a meal out once DD is settled in bed (she sleeps well, from bedtime until about midnight!) and go from there. Once restrictions are lifted MIL and FIL will be happy to come and babysit.

What a star your MIL is! I know it’s frustrating that he couldn’t see how selfish it was himself but fair play to her being honest, some MILs would stick behind their sons. So glad he’s been able to see sense.

Hope you manage to get your trip together

[timeisnotaline]

Good result but such a shame you had to have this conversation. I don’t suppose he apologised for being a total arse?

[Nanny0gg]

Good result OP.

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

He's not going. We had a long discussion about it and I explained why I thought it was such a bad idea. He also went off moaning at some point to his mother about what a horrible old cow I am objecting so, while he was annoyed, and she gave him an absolute earful (she's fab, my MIL).

I'm don't know exactly what was said but I believe it was something along the lines of 'grow the hell up, you're being a total arse'.

He has apologised. I have said I don't think he needs to apologise for wanting to go, but to actually think he could atm is unreasonable. He agrees, now he's had time to think about it.

We are going to ensure that we work on trying to get a night away together some time over the next year or so. It might not be possible, yet, but we're going to start with a meal out once DD is settled in bed (she sleeps well, from bedtime until about midnight!) and go from there. Once restrictions are lifted MIL and FIL will be happy to come and babysit.

[wifterwafter]

No absolutely not.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

And tbh I doubt USA will allow Uk in

[Blondeshavemorefun]

So what have you decided to do

There is no need fir him to go away for that amount of time , far away , leaving you fir a week to cope alone

If he did go do you have any gps about who can come and stay and help

Would he pay for childcare and have a nanny to look after /take out toddler while you have 121 with sn dd

[GiftedFish]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

[Crazycrazylady]

If it was a one off request I'd try and accommodate if I could because I know DH would try to facilitate me if at all possible.. these are the trips etc that in years to come, you say wish I'd done that . Hi

[partyatthepalace]

Hmm it’s a bit much 6 days, but he’ll probably have a great time and be in a good move for the next 3 months, so I’d not let it bother me much. However given the time away and that it’s not a close friend you could ask him not to without being unreasonable.

I know you aren’t asking this OP but the treats balance between you and DP seems very off - I would think about changing this or I think you will get resentful. If your friends don’t want to go away then yoga weekends??

And - whatever happens get the LV holiday fir you in the diary

[Runnerduck34]

YANBU, it would piss me off too, he knows realistically you wont also get to go away, with your friends let alone for similar type holiday
and number of days. If it was his best mate or brother then maybe just maybe I could understand but for a mate he isnt close too , barely sees and who has only invited you to his evening reception then its very very unreasonable for him to go to such an extravagant stag do- particularly as you cant afford it and it will impact the family,. The fact its a place you've always wanted to visit just rubs salt in the wound

[Ilady]

Is your partner aware how lucky to get off a few weekends a year when you mind his 2 children and one of them has autism?
I think he is totally selfish asking can I head off for 6 days to Vegas with so called friends when your left doing it all on your own.
He been asked to bring down cost/make up numbers and other people have said no - they don't have the money/time/busy with family. Who plans a trip to Vegas in a pandemic and in the current economy?
You need to tell him that he can't head off for that length of time and that in reality you can't manage him being gone for 6 days and coming back with bad jet lag. I also tell him just how hard things are in reality to manage with your daughter and her needs. Let him know what you have to do to prepare your daughter for even the smallest change.
At this stage I look and see if there are any local support groups online for parents in your situation. Other people could tell you what they found helpful when their child was at your daughters age and could know of minders or respite to give you a break.
I also say to your husband that you mentioned how you like to go to Vegas for your 40th. Say to him that it's time you both started to work toward the goal of your daughter been left with other people without a major melt down.
I also think for your own physical and mental health that your partner should be minding your daughter more on his own. You need to show him what to do when certain things happen that can led to a meltdown. It time he realised that he in his 30s and a parent of 2 young children one with autism so he can't continue to act like a single man and expecting you to keep carrying the load.

[Nanny0gg]

@eatsleepread

You've said yourself that he would have the children if you went away. It is your choice not to.

Because of the upset it would cause the child.

[SinkGirl]

@eatsleepread

You've said yourself that he would have the children if you went away. It is your choice not to.

I’m guessing you’re another one who hasn’t been arsed to read the thread?

[Nothing7]

@YoniAndGuy

A couple of people have picked up on something I'd noticed too -

- He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.

He realises he's being used as a filler to make up numbers and help them get the stag for the cost they want, right?! Because a significant number of much nicer blokes have laughed and said sorry mate, an incredibly expensive 6-day break? Sorry, no can do!

But selfish saddo jumps at it.

Please take great pleasure in pointing this out to him. Groom doesn't give a shit about his company. How embarrassing for him to accept,.

This a million times!!

[Nothing7]

This!!

[eatsleepread]

You've said yourself that he would have the children if you went away. It is your choice not to.