DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

[Chewingle]

@Somerset19

YANBU My husband used to always put his own friends first. It really used to hurt when he would spend hours planning nights and weekends away with them. It nearly split us up as I didn’t feel he was invested in our relationship or family. Since he has got older and Covid happened we have been happier than ever and I finally feel like a family unit.
Your husband is being totally unfair.

Has the OP’s been planning numerous weekends away? Or just this stag do? Must have missed that

[truthisalie]

I wouldn't go to LAs Vegas forma weekend. Time difference, long flight. What's the point? A week sound reasonable. But it's not nice he didn't want to go with you but is fine going with his mates.

[minipie]

And didn’t specify - only looking for responses from parents with children with additional need

No I know. That’s my suggestion. Because I’m willing to bet the parents here saying the OP is awful and should of course let him go, have never tried looking after a 5 yr old with SN and a 2.5 year old for 6 days on their own. Or ever.

[truthisalie]

(I wouldn't go to LAs Vegas forma weekend)
Wouldn't go to Las Vegas for a weekend.

[Cloudbeeb]

@Somerset19 there's not much he could have done with his friends during covid anyway.

[LalalalalalaLand123]

In your situation (you can afford it etc), if YOU were invited on a hen week(end) and he objected, I would say he was being v unreasonable.
So I say the same to you: YABVU.
You would like time off, but apparently can't take it because of your DC's reliance on you. That's not DH's fault, he would be willing to facilitate time off for you. It seems like you resent him for being able to go away, for being invited etc and if you stop him it just seems vindictive.

[maddy68]

I honestly wouldn't be bothered by this at all. It's seems very equitable in so much as he wouldn't mind you going away too. (it's your choice not to ). Just because he doesn't see his friend often doesn't mean they haven't been close in the past

[Outbutnotoutout]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but why can't he parent his children as well as you can?

If he can go away every few months for a weekend away and a week in LV, why can't you?

He will learn to cope, if he can't at the moment

[Nanny0gg]

If it was his best mate then I'd not be quite so anti him going, but friends he hasn't seen for years that you're not close to?

Sod that.

I would be hugely resentful.

[BibbityBobbety]

I think the imbalance here stems from the fact that he has a social circle who do trips away, and you don't? If you did have a group of friends who invited you to a trip away - would your DH be happy to let you go? From what you've said, it seems like he wouldn't mind?

I think the resentment here is not about the trip, but the fact that he has a life you wish you had. That is - he's still a good parent (as you have admitted), has hobbies and maintains a social circle. You're both supposed to be equal parents - can you not leave your child with him for a few days to do a trip away on your own, or participate in a regular hobby that takes you out of the home? If your DH isn't ok with it, then yes, you are reasonable for stopping the Vegas trip. However, if he would happily do the childcare while you went away for a few days, then you are not being fair. And punishing him for your own frustrations.

A question to ask - if you did have plenty of free time next week, and your husband was doing all the child care - what would you do? where would you go? And can you really not find a way to make that happen if you have a husband who supports you having time off?

Is there a reason you couldn't go to Vegas together in a few years, and also let him go with his friends. It will be a completely different experience and you have another 40 years of life together to go as a couple. He won't get many other occasions to go with a large group of mates. Since you're suggesting doing it years away - I don't blame him for not taking you too seriously atm. If you wanted to go next year, he was lukewarm and then jumped to go with mates, that I can see as thoughtless. But a vague suggestion years later vs a concrete offer to go now are very different.

You can always stop him going but I think he will resent you, and that's a dangerous emotion to bring into a marriage. Maybe the best thing is for you find a way to make your contributions to childcare more equal, so automatically he feels the same burden you do. And like you, will naturally stop doing trips away, because he hasn't the time. That will be more productive than a blanket 'No'.

[Whammyyammy]

6 days is short for Las Vegas tbh, considering the flight time, even if direct.

The cost would be concerning, I've been and my husband has been many times with the RAF. Each time he always sends a fortune, at least £750 per week, normally more, he doesn't gamble and obviously doesn't pay for hotel or flights.
Add on a few excursions to grand canyon, hoover dam, shooting ranges..... its expensive and sort of things a stag week involve.
Vegas is not a place I'd like to see again, but one of those places you got to see. If you can afford it , support him in going, its goid fun.

[SoulofanAggron]

I dont see the issue here at all to be honest, it will be a nice break for him, and you can always ask for a break in return.

@Jizzle OP has said she wouldn't really be able to go anywhere, esp. because one of their LOs has a disability. Maybe you find it hard to imagine what having a disabled child is like. OP will want all the help she can get from her husband.

I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!

How is any of that his fault though?

@WorraLiberty It's not, but that doesn't mean he should do this thing now.

If your friends wanted you to go to Vegas for 6 days and you could afford it and your DH was perfectly able to look after both kids, you'd go wouldn't you?

Irrelevant as he's not. And no, OP doesn't sound like she would do that to her DH if the positions were switched. She would think 'that'd be hard work for DH, he'd want me around to help out.'

[Five67Eight]

OP - No. 1 thing on your ‘to do’ list is very clearly working on a way to 50/50 parent your additional needs daughter.

That’s at the crux of this.

I’d be saying to DH - I’d be OK with you going for maybe 3 nights. But before you go, can you come to me with some suggestions as to how you’re going to lighten my load with DD on an everyday basis, so that I can be looking forward to similar in the very near future?

Put it on him to sort out this problem.

At the moment, he quite clearly does not give a shit that you’re left organising and doing literally everything, and carrying the mental load, while he swans off for an expensive one-week holiday.

[PuffItsGone]

It would be a firm no from me

[Five67Eight]

If you can afford it , support him in going, its good fun.

Oh, Vegas is ‘good fun’? Wow, interesting, I never knew that!

Well, in that case OP - what the hell are you thinking?! It’s ‘good fun’ (Vegas is - who knew!!?), so now you definitely have to let him go!

[ivykaty44]

just say id rather we spent the money on a joint trip away to Las Vegas in October and get babysitters for the dc

or alternatively we spilt any spare money - you go on stag week and I get away for a week

[TheGlitterFairy]

Seems reasonable to me and yes my DH has been to Vegas for the best part of a week on a stag do plus a bunch of times with work (as have I). It’s just a bunch of guys blowing off steam - let him go and be gracious about it then plan where he can take you on his return. Really not a big deal.

[Five67Eight]

@TheGlitterFairy

Seems reasonable to me and yes my DH has been to Vegas for the best part of a week on a stag do plus a bunch of times with work (as have I). It’s just a bunch of guys blowing off steam - let him go and be gracious about it then plan where he can take you on his return. Really not a big deal.

Do you have a child with autism?

[Cowmilk]

I wouldn’t mind if he bought tickets for you as a family before he buys one for himself. I’m not saying for the same date.

Yes, it is childish. But that is what I would have done, it is better than resenting him.

If it is the childcare that is worrying you, I would insist he pays for cleaner/help/nanny for that week and possibly longer.

[JesusAteMyHamster]

Yabu.

You stated he would facilitate you having a break. You choose not to have one.

I wouldn't have an issue with this and I'd be making an effort to go away either alone or with friends.

[lockdownalli]

I think this situation needs to be a wake up call for you both OP.

What would happen if you had to be hospitalised for a week? Or worse?It's time for DP start forging a better relationship with his DC, so that you are not the "default parent."

I would suggest that until this is achieved, he should probably stop his little jollies.

[Somerset19]

@BibbityBobbety has some good advice. In principle that would be lovely. However, in the real world there is usually one parent who steps up more than the other. Their friendships go by the wayside whilst they prioritise parenting.
Meanwhile the other gets guilt free time for their hobbies and friendships. Unfortunately this story has been repeated for generations. The worst bit is many people have internalised the “cool girlfriend/ wife” crap. That means you either don’t get your needs met or you end up looking like a nag. It’s a loose loose situation for op I’m afraid.

[WorraLiberty]

Irrelevant as he's not. And no, OP doesn't sound like she would do that to her DH if the positions were switched. She would think 'that'd be hard work for DH, he'd want me around to help out.'

What do you mean she 'doesn't sound like she would do that to her DH if the positions were switched'?

What would she be doing to him?

Taking a well earned 6 day break with her friends while he looks after his own kids?

[StColumbofNavron]

My husband facilitated me doing away for 9 days a while ago and he has been away for a week with friends. That said, we don’t have a child with extra needs and they were a fair bit older, I think DS3 was year 2 sort of age.

In principal though, I wouldn’t have an issue with this but I do think you both need to find a way to make things fairer overall and everything not be on you. E.g. my trip wasn’t with friends as no one could have made it for various reasons, not least it was niche so I could still go in the same way he went.

[JesusAteMyHamster]

Lockdown he can do that a still go away. It doesn't need to be either / or. And it sounds like the OP needs to loosen the reins a little.

Both my DC are Autistic. Dp and I have always had breaks away from them as it's full on. It took me a lot longer to loosen up because parenting a child with the condition can make that parent extremely controlling. We know their triggers and routines. We know the risks. This isn't a criticism, I'm guilty of it myself. And in the early years probably guilty of being a bit of a martyr. Quite often half the battle with a carer getting a break is that carer allowing someone else to take over and doing things their way.