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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Stag almost week!

414 replies

drivenmadbyhomeschool · 23/02/2021 15:37

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

  • I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
  • in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
  • He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
  • I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Nothing7 · 24/02/2021 18:28

I should add the trip I turned down was completely free, aside from spending money - but it wasn’t right and I never regret the choice

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 24/02/2021 18:36

It would really piss me off that he brought it to you for permission. He should be capable of reading the room and making his own assessment, not bringing it to you as if you were his mother and then sulking like a recalcitrant teen.

He knows it’s unreasonable but he wants you to be the bad guy who says no so he doesn’t have to lose face. How childish.

Quartz2208 · 24/02/2021 18:40

@Jeeperscreepers69

Don't be "that" wife. It's only a week. Jesus *@drivenmadbyhomeschool*
She shouldnt have to be that wife he shouldnt be that husband who asks something so selfish that with their circumstances isnt possible
Shona52 · 24/02/2021 18:43

If it was his best friend I could understand but as you say not a very close friend he's see in a long time just wouldn't sit right tor my. I'm also a mother of an autistic child. And my husband works for weeks/months away at a time and it's bloody hard. So for him to put that on you for a week just do he can have a piss up with a not so close friend is in poor taste to me

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2021 18:43

@Jeeperscreepers69

Don't be "that" wife. It's only a week. Jesus *@drivenmadbyhomeschool*
Any chance you've read the thread?
TatianaBis · 24/02/2021 18:43

@ExhaustedFlamingo

I am my children’s safe place. My DP is hands on, present and lovely. My children (both autistic but DS has much higher care needs) adore him. But after 11yrs of experience he still cannot spot triggers or figure out what to do when it all goes boom. He tries bless him, he really tries. He’s been on the same autism parenting courses as me, read the same books but he still gets it very very wrong. His character and personality is very different to mine, and that’s the crux of it. There only so much you can change through learning.

We don't know that this is true of DH as he hasn't tried. He might be good for all we know. But he's content to get out the house for work & leave the graft to the OP.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2021 18:43

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson

It would really piss me off that he brought it to you for permission. He should be capable of reading the room and making his own assessment, not bringing it to you as if you were his mother and then sulking like a recalcitrant teen.

He knows it’s unreasonable but he wants you to be the bad guy who says no so he doesn’t have to lose face. How childish.

^^This.

With bells on.

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 24/02/2021 18:45

You’re not an only parent op... To be the only one that can settle this child is doing her more harm then good. She should be just as reliant on her dad as her mum to reassure/ calm her. Giving him little opportunity to care for her in the way that you do is just reinforcing the inequality of what she relies on each parent for.

Nanny0gg · 24/02/2021 18:47

@jwpetal

It is so difficult when there are routines involved. There are moments that it feels like you could let some control go. For example, your dh covering you while you get your jab. So she misses a class. For a child so young is that a real issue? She can miss and they can do something together. Also, those times that are difficult they need to work through it and you need time on your own. I would say , really try to sit to find a way that you get equal time off. It may take awhile to work it in, but can happen. As for Las Vegas, I do agree that that is a big trip. The jet lag is killer so it will really take its toll on you with no reprieve. I just really think that passing some things on to him to let them work out their way is also important.
Have you read the various posts from the posters who live with the same things the OP lives with?

And explain, very clearly, why you are wrong.

Galdos · 24/02/2021 18:54

Vegas? As in 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'? Um... But personally I am anti-stag nights and anti hen-nights (refused to have one meself ...), and the idea of extending these over several days, abroad, is, well, bizarre. As someone posted, what's wrong with getting pissed with mates one evening and the groom being tied naked to a lamp post?

cheeseismydownfall · 24/02/2021 18:59

@Helpneededbyanoutsider

You’re not an only parent op... To be the only one that can settle this child is doing her more harm then good. She should be just as reliant on her dad as her mum to reassure/ calm her. Giving him little opportunity to care for her in the way that you do is just reinforcing the inequality of what she relies on each parent for.
Yeah, it's obviously all the OPs fault Hmm
SinkGirl · 24/02/2021 19:03

🤦‍♀️

People really have no bloody clue do they? This thread is giving me the rage.

I’m so glad that sharing the parenting load is so straightforward for those of you with NT kids. Congratulations. Maybe just accept that for the rest of us it’s not that simple and stop being so bloody judgemental?

charanna · 24/02/2021 19:06

I completely understand why u don't agree on this !! Men seem to always find an excuse to get drunk with their friends at every occasion possible yet most women don't even get a night u have these men expecting 6 days 5-6000 miles away smh 🤦‍♀️😳
I would most definitely say no and ask him if the tables turned would he like to be left ALONE with all the kids/ chores etc while u Sun it up in Ibiza for a week !? Lmao I'm sure he wouldn't oblige as men are or can be selfish creatures believe me I have one of my very own and he only ever sees things from his own point of view!
I would agree to a weekend and maybe suggest to him that you could both save up n go Vegas together another time as a couple as he is after all marrying you and not his friends WinkGrin

Bertiebiscuit · 24/02/2021 19:14

He's having a laugh - this is 100 % not OK - I can't believe he's even got the nerve to consider it - no no no no would be my response absolutely no

Smileyk · 24/02/2021 19:18

We've always taken the approach that we have x money and we're both entitled to that so it's a family holiday before anything individual. So honestly my dh wouldn't be going - but he wouldn't expect to either!

BitOfFun · 24/02/2021 19:38

I've sent you a PM, @SinkGirl.

Inwiththenew · 24/02/2021 19:38

Let him go. Maybe he needs it. Pay for someone to help you if money isn’t an issue.

BitOfFun · 24/02/2021 19:41

Who do you suggest, Inwiththenew? I'm all ears.

Riolou3 · 24/02/2021 19:44

I think this is just one step too far, and you’re right to feel the way you do.
We have a similar situation (only 3 young kids without any extra needs which is hard enough) and my husband mentioned a golfing trip for a similar time abroad. I just said no, it wasn’t fair and that was that.

LolaSmiles · 24/02/2021 19:50

It's really sad to see posters trying to NT-splain life with children who have additional needs or disabilities when there's parents of neurodiverse children or children with disabilities who are outlining their very real experiences.

Five67Eight · 24/02/2021 19:53

@Helpneededbyanoutsider

You’re not an only parent op... To be the only one that can settle this child is doing her more harm then good. She should be just as reliant on her dad as her mum to reassure/ calm her. Giving him little opportunity to care for her in the way that you do is just reinforcing the inequality of what she relies on each parent for.
FML - this thread is giving me the rage, and I have two easy NT kids.

It is so frustrating reading some of these responses - I can’t even imagine what it must be like reading these when you’re actually at the coalface.

@Helpneededbyanoutsider - the OP’s DH is out of the house 12 hours a day. The OP is a SAHP. Of course the bulk of the caring falls to her. It’s never going to be possible for the DH to provide the same level of care and stability for their autistic daughter.

To all those posters kindly sharing their experiences for the absolute tone deaf posters on this thread - thank you Flowers Wine and please don’t think all parents of NT kids are dense fuckwits.

Inwiththenew · 24/02/2021 19:56

@BitOfFun I don’t know how you do the reply thing. I would suggest getting a cleaner if the op doesn’t already have one or arranging to have healthy meals delivered or something. I just hate seeing men treated like children it makes them act like children. If he needs to have the odd blow out and by the sounds of it he does, why shouldn’t he? The op isn’t really on a position to do the same at the moment but when she is she’ll bloody well deserve it!

Mittens030869 · 24/02/2021 20:08

But the OP's DH does get to go away and fairly regularly from what the OP has said. He goes away for weekends for his hobbies. This is about the number of days he would be away for and the expense.

As well as the fact that the OP has pushed for them to go there as a family and he's been lukewarm about it. He doesn't even really know the groom, he's not going away with his best mates which might have made more sense.

FredtheCatsMum · 24/02/2021 20:11

As the climate crisis gets worse and worse, the thought of going to Las Vagas for a week seems increasingly irresponsible. I'm guessing you're already in the US, but no.

donna28ish · 24/02/2021 20:21

2 Autistic children, 4 children in my care here, my husband works away from home while I work full time and provide full time support, but I have a girls holiday ever year (plus a few days in London wandering alone) and my husband can have time if he wants within reason obviously.
I’d have no issue with a 7 day boys holiday, sssssh I’d love that! my husband is proper rubbish at mumming 🤦‍♀️ ....if you need a holiday buddy DM me I need someone to escape with ;)

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