DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

Sorry to read your updates. It's sad that he doesnt accept that him having a 7 day break, is a whole week of shit for you, which hurts more when you are then unable to have the same amount of break, to recuperate. It sounds like he generally has a quite good amounts of breaks away from work and away from the children, for someone who works full time with a child with special needs. Whereas you are stuck doing the same thing pretty much every day of the year...which I think is mentally much harder (and one of the reasons why people are finding lockdown hard eg no distinction between week days and weekends etc). Would showing him this thread help? I think you've been fair and balanced but the responses might help articulate your feelings?

here is no point in DH starting the routine with him taking her to school etc when it's likely that he'll be back in the office full time again by the summer. Same for most of her routines. Her visual timetabling, I do for example, every day. I can spot her triggers a million miles away and work quickly to regulate her and help. He often doesn't see things coming until too it's too late and she's at the point of no return then.

There is a point to getting involved in her routine: so that if anything happens to you, DD is used to him doing it & so he understands the grind of it. It also gives you more flexibility.

He will only learn to spot the triggers & manage them from experience. Without that he will never get better at it.

You're stuck in a Catch 22.

@timeisnotaline

I think it must be endless being the active parent of a disabled child, so the it’s not fair would have me incandescent. it’s not fair? Did you say it’s not fair?? ITS NOT FAIR??? Honestly I’d probably get him to do a school drop off when school goes back. Not a series of them if it’s distressing for dd, but 1. And things like that. And if he says it was hard I’d be all someone who is supposed to love me told me recently ITS NOT FAIR I don’t want them to go to Vegas for a week because I can go away anytime I like.

He did one drop off last year when she was at preschool when I had DD2 poorly at home and she wanted mum desperately to just lie on and cuddle like babies do when they're unwell. It did not go well!

Exactly as I described with her having a total meltdown and then having to physically remove her from him. She was then so distressed (she did also used to get upset at me leaving sometimes then, so they were used to having to try to settle her she had 1-1 support there - as she does in school now under EHCP -) that they had to call me to collect her. She was sick because she was so hysterical.

He did one drop off last year when she was at preschool when I had DD2 poorly at home and she wanted mum desperately to just lie on and cuddle like babies do when they're unwell. It did not go well!

It will take time for her to get used to him. You can't expect it to right from the off.

@Atalune

op thank you for that detailed response and it makes total sense to me now. You’re “job” is her carer as well as her mum. I get that now a lot better. You sound like an amazing mum.

DH is being very selfish.

Thank you. I try really hard but it is damn hard work.

Take tomorrow for example. I've got my vaccine booked, I can't choose the time so he's booked an hour off work to cover me going and it means him covering her zoom class with her (she's too young to do it alone). But in order to prepare her for this - because I always do it because he works - I've been talking about it for four days, I've made her a comic strip to visually explain in terms she'll be able to process more easily and we've shown her in advance a visual timetable for tomorrow morning so that she fully understands that he will be doing it because I have to go for a jab, not me.

With all this planning and prep she should be ok. There is still a chance when the time comes that she'll panic and start to get worked up. He's prepared for that and will be able to calm her I hope but it might mean that actually if she can't cope then she will have to miss the class. Luckily school will be fine if that's the case but even so, not ideal.

All so that I can leave the house for what will likely only be half an hour to go and get my Covid vaccine. That I only qualify for because I am her carer anyway.

There is no point in DH starting the routine with him taking her to school etc when it's likely that he'll be back in the office full time again by the summer. Same for most of her routines.

Hmm, I don't know. If getting more into her routines makes it more feasible for him to look after her, then it could free you up for some nights away, which I'm sure he wouldn't begrudge you...

@TatianaBis

He did one drop off last year when she was at preschool when I had DD2 poorly at home and she wanted mum desperately to just lie on and cuddle like babies do when they're unwell. It did not go well!

It will take time for her to get used to him. You can't expect it to right from the off.

Yes, but there is little point in putting her through 'getting used to it' when in the next 12 weeks or so he'll be back in the office anyway and unable to do any pick ups or drop offs for years to come! He is out of the house 7-7 an hour and a half away. She wouldn't 'remember' being used to it once it stopped say, six months later.

Does DH know you’ve done everything you’ve done to facilitate jab?

Does he think it’s necessary or does he think you’re coddling?

Because it sounds to me he doesn’t realise that he/your DC wouldn’t cope without you.

I think it’s hard all round. Dh wants a break. You need a break.

There in lies the difference I think.

Have you had a social care S17 assessment and carers assessment? I would be seeing if you can get a budget for some help so you can hire someone consistent to take the load off you.

I can see why you are pissed off and you say you need a break too but it also sounds like you aren't giving your husband the chance to be more involved because it's not worth it.

Get him involved, learning to do everything you do for your daughter. Even after he's back in the office, he might be able to negotiate a day or two working from home or starting later so he can do regular school runs etc Basically the only way this dynamic is ever going to change is if you both make that happen.
So if you want to go away, you can knowing that the other parent can cope with the responsibilities at home.

Yes, but there is little point in putting her through 'getting used to it' when in the next 12 weeks

Does getting her used to different things not help op? I mean that gently as I really don’t know the answer, as I don’t know your child. But would getting her used to variety possibly help her? That’s four months where she can get more used to being alone with him, and doing different things with him.

People with NT children coming at you with with NT suggestions about how to change the routine in a family where a child is autistic. Grrrr.

"just do this, just do that"

You can't possibly understand how wearing it is to have to defend what is an already difficult situation to people who don't know how routine driven some ASD children can be.

To say "create a new routine and she'll get used to it" is akin to climbing Everest at time when you don't have any extra energy to start that whole process.

Having been there done that and got the t-shirt, I understand OP's decision to just carry on as is, because rocking the boat is so traumatic it's easier just to keep going with what is working.

She's had to give up so much already. She knows one day her DC will be more flexible and more understanding. It will come OP.

it seems however her DH may not be fully on board with just how much she's given up to be the DC's full-time carer and how her continual sacrifices eases his life and oils the wheels of his happiness.

It's not that she CAN'T it's that she doesn't want to, for the sake of her child, rock the boat. And for that level of sacrifice she expects to be backed up and supported by an equally sacrificial husband.

We had the same dynamic and still do. DH doesn't do any of the nurturing (he's on the spectrum himself) and I do all the picking up of emotions and putting the kids back together. I am their rock.

I would be so angry if he announced he was flouncing off to have fun for a week when DC was 5 and I had a toddler. Absolutely no fucking way.

I'd be inclined to storm off to a hotel for 2 days alone and see how he felt when I got back.

Yes it would be traumatic for your DC but in the end, it seems like he is the one that needs to grow up.

Taht said I couldn't have done it myself but for other reasons, I did storm off to my parents for 2 weeks... taking the children with me and refused to come back...until....

You have to find out what triggers him and use it I'm afraid until he sees sense.

Yes, but there is little point in putting her through 'getting used to it' when in the next 12 weeks or so he'll be back in the office anyway and unable to do any pick ups or drop offs for years to come! He is out of the house 7-7 an hour and a half away.

Assuming that nothing happens to you for years to come - that you never need an operation and your health never falters.

I can see the point about his work, but getting DD & DH used to each other in different settings can only be a plus.

Great post from boomshakeshake

DD is used to her father. He is hands on, she adores him.

There is nothing that I can do about him not being here during the week during the vast majority of her waking hours. That's his work, it's what provides for us. He's only here at the moment because of COVID, and that won't be for much longer.

@cheeseismydownfall

Great post from boomshakeshake

Yes, thank you @BoomShakeShake

I'd agree - but book your own week away and he takes a week off work - you'll need it to recover!

One thing that a lot of posters don't seem to understand when they suggest a tit-for-tat break for you, @drivenmadbyhomeschool, is that although you usually have sensible socialising opportunities, there simply isn't a big group of crazy gal pals all up for six days in Vegas. Because they're all parents. Presumably so are the blokes, and yet...

Funny that.

Yes BitofFun although the fact that the Stag has invited the OP's DH even though they havent seen each other for years and are evening guests only suggests the possibility he is having trouble finding friends to want to go (though COVID and money are also factors)

That's true! Fair enough. Weird that OP's husband even wants to go, given that they're not even good mates.

@Quartz2208

Yes BitofFun although the fact that the Stag has invited the OP's DH even though they havent seen each other for years and are evening guests only suggests the possibility he is having trouble finding friends to want to go (though COVID and money are also factors)

Commonplace amongst middle aged men that they don’t have a wide group of friends and tend to fall back on old ones when need to socialise

Totally agree with BoomShakeShake. I don't have an autistic child, but my DD does have SEN. My SIL said, oh just get her to read more books. Then it'll sort itself out. Shows the level of understanding. Some people just don't get it.

Your DH doesn't get it. I know you have so little energy left, but he really does need to get it, for the sake of everyone in your family.

@BitOfFun

That's true! Fair enough. Weird that OP's husband even wants to go, given that they're not even good mates.

Really? There’s a group of them going, it’s Vegas. I’d go. Colour me weird. 😀

Let’s break it down:

Vegas is never just going to be a weekend with flights etc, so wrong wording on his part.

Clearly he has plenty of money as that’s going to cost a lot of cash.

The fact he asked is more than some people get on here.

If he can afford it and you can cope then don’t see an issue. But they don’t have strict COVID rules so how may it effect the child care you do and will he have to pay for COVID hotel? Worth considering as it’s unknown. So suddenly costs and impacts are spiralling.

I’d just ask what he thinks as he could be away 16 days technically.