@BoomShakeShake Brill post - I was just coming here to say similar.
It’s great that people are making suggestions but when parents of autistic kids are telling you it’s not possible, listen.
I am my children’s safe place. My DP is hands on, present and lovely. My children (both autistic but DS has much higher care needs) adore him. But after 11yrs of experience he still cannot spot triggers or figure out what to do when it all goes boom. He tries bless him, he really tries. He’s been on the same autism parenting courses as me, read the same books but he still gets it very very wrong. His character and personality is very different to mine, and that’s the crux of it. There only so much you can change through learning.
To give an example, over the years I have been head butted full on in the face, slapped hard, been bitten - and not flickered or wavered. Because I trained myself to focus on the crisis. Things aren’t that bad now and despite what I just said, my DS was never intentionally violent. When he was melting down he’d be completed overwhelmed and just thrash and lash out without realising. When he saw that he’d hurt someone he’d be so horrified with himself it would escalate all over again because he’d be so full of self-hate for hurting someone he loves. He would literally smash his own head on the floor repeatedly. We had a&e trips where I couldn’t get to him in time. Things are easier now but of course, life is still massively challenging.
My DS found going to his (special needs) school traumatic. I used to have to carry him in screaming at the start of term. As the weeks went by it got easier but every Sunday night we’d have hours of tears and anxiety. Then the holidays came and be relaxed. Then, when it was time to go back to school we’d be right back at the start with the kicking and screaming. Rinse and repeat.
Sure, there are certain scenarios like doing a school run where you can go through a really hard and distressing time to manage an adjustment. But then you need to keep doing it. All the time. If the Op’s partner does the school runs for a while and they go through all the pain, and then he goes back to the office, all that anxiety all the distress will have been for nothing. Lots of our kids don’t “carry” that knowledge. It’s all or nothing. It’s so frustrating when people keep saying “just fo it”.
Do you really think we haven’t tried? Do you really think we love to martyr ourselves? We know we have to expose our children to extreme anxiety and distress just to manage the smallest thing. And yes I panic like mad about what would happen if I had to go into hospital or died. It is what it is. We continue to try and develop strategies and we hope that things will get easier. But what really doesn’t help is people just insisting that if we just did it, it would be fine and then we could piss off for a week guilt free too.
I need to mute this thread. This is way too close to home for me and the suggestion that I’ve just not tried hard enough is infuriating.
Sorry OP, I really hope your DH sees how inconsiderate he’s being but honestly, I doubt it.