DH and Stag almost week!

[drivenmadbyhomeschool]

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.

• I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
• in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
• He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
• I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!

Thoughts?

[quote Inwiththenew]@BitOfFun I don’t know how you do the reply thing. I would suggest getting a cleaner if the op doesn’t already have one or arranging to have healthy meals delivered or something. I just hate seeing men treated like children it makes them act like children. If he needs to have the odd blow out and by the sounds of it he does, why shouldn’t he? The op isn’t really on a position to do the same at the moment but when she is she’ll bloody well deserve it![/quote]
He already gets plenty of time away, whereas the OP doesn’t. By the sounds of it, she needs a blow out far more, but it’s just not possible right now.

And it’s awful treating men like children, but perfectly OK to treat women like taken-for-granted skivvies, right?

@FredtheCatsMum

As the climate crisis gets worse and worse, the thought of going to Las Vagas for a week seems increasingly irresponsible. I'm guessing you're already in the US, but no.

No, were in England. Thousands of miles away.

The part where he told you that he 'deserves a break' really got me. Sure. We all deserve to fly half way round the world for a six day piss up with our mates while our already overstretched partner holds the fort back home with a toddler and a disabled child.

He needs to get real.

If this was my DH no way would I agree to that. And our dcs are late primary and not disabled. He would not get to do that & dump all these responsibilities on me. Plus I would need him to take annual leave in the school holidays. Obviously same rules apply to me.

I'd let him.

But also organise something for yourself.

Six days away is not that bad but I dont know why he is bothering if it's not a close friend. Could the whole family go as you were thinking about going for your 40th? I would not leave 2 children of that age.

The point about men being treated like children - they’re not at all, I would tend to agree with another poster that they try and shift the blame onto the partner so that they look hard done by rather than having to make the appropriate choice themselves.

The partner already has weekends away, this trip has the challenge is time away when they have very young kids and one being disabled and also the cost, being fair to his wife and the fact she has wanted to go for years but partner has been luke warm, now is chomping at the bit when with people he’s not that friendly with.

Someone said the poster isn’t in a position to go at the moment but let the man go - is that because he is more deserving of a blow out - or that the mum isn’t in a position - because she knows it’s not appropriate, the man can’t see it’s not appropriate so that makes it justified...??

Not a merry chance in hell would I agree to 6 days of DH on a stag do and I have just one toddler without additional needs!

He is being self absorbed thinking he deserves a break, a weekend maybe (as everyone does) but not 6 days!
No idea how he proposes to even get into the States either there is zero hint of travel restrictions into the US being eased or the requirements to quarantine so its also spending money which he might have to spend months chasing!

He does know we are in the middle of a pandemic? Yes we might be on some kind of track to normality by then in the UK, it doesn't mean they will be in America. He might find that restrictions there are tight then and not much fun anyway.

Ignoring that he is being incredibly selfish. My two Dd's are pretty much the same age and a complete handful even without any disability. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. My DH is very hands on and doesn't work the long hours yours does, but some days I am exhausted (I can only imagine how you feel). I asked my DH if he would even consider going away for that long and he said no instantly. Your DH thinks you are being unfair, he most certainly is. He chose to become a Dad and part of it is making sacrifices. I find it hard to believe that given he works long hours and hardly sees his children in the week (pre-covid), he would then choose to spend an afternoon every weekend away from his family and then frequent weekends on top. Do you get time out every week in the way that he does? Obviously not. If he wants to talk about 'not fair' he wants to look at that.

The cherry on top of all this is the fact Las Vegas is somewhere you really want to go and he was previously disinterested. Unbelievable.

@drivenmadbyhomeschool

He kept saying last night that he deserved a break. He does! So do I, along with the rest of the country.

And he's having a break anyway, he's booked to go to Europe in September for two nights with his friend to do their hobby. I am doubtful that it will go ahead as it's a mass event (thousands of people) but he's booked it with the thought that if it's rescheduled he'll already have tickets.

I have no objection to him doing this, if it's allowed/safe COVID wise etc. Even though it means rearranging a family members birthday party so that he can go (if they're allowed by then too!).

OP you are letting him use you like a doormat. He’s allowed to go on numerous holidays a year and regular nights out whilst you haven’t had a break in years.

You say your DD only wants you... she needs to get used to her dad doing more things without you there. Build this up so you can be hours away from home without her. She probably doesn’t see you as equal parents.

the fact she has wanted to go for years but partner has been luke warm, now is chomping at the bit when with people he’s not that friendly with
surely this just shows that he is 'chomping at the bit' to do things that he does not want his wife to be aware of!

@Five67Eight All I said was that giving DH more opportunities to settle her etc would help the child to feel as settled/ calmed by either parent when triggered.
I didn’t say he should go and quit his job or anything and that they should be 100% equal in the parenting duties. Only that he should be given the opportunity so that issues such as breaks away for a bit of deserved respite aren’t a no no for OP.
Jheeze 🙄

Yabu. I’d go (if I could bear to be away from my kids but I can’t 😂) and I’d let my partner go no bother. Your kids will be in school/preschool by November right? So he’s only really missing 6 bedtimes? Or if they don’t go to school you could go stay with Friends/family if you would be lonely/overwhelmed without him. Having been to Vegas 5 times I think it’s better for a stag do/girls trip than a couples hol (though still fun for that)

I would tell him you don't feel you can do six days looking after the children on your own. If it were a brother best friend and he would be missing something really important it would be different, but he can't justify putting you through that just because he fancies a holiday, especially when he can't reciprocate and send you off on holiday.

He's being really selfish.Unless he's going to facilitate a break away for you of course. He should be working on building a relationship and trust with your autistic child rather than leaving you to cope with it all.

That's quite a piss take! I'd either put my foot down or start planning a girlie holiday!!

As he’s not seen this mate in a while why is he so keen on going and not saving this trip for when the two of you can go? Personally I’d say no but then to be honest my husband wouldn’t ask especially as I’m the only bread winner atm!

@Yourcatisnotsorry

Yabu. I’d go (if I could bear to be away from my kids but I can’t 😂) and I’d let my partner go no bother. Your kids will be in school/preschool by November right? So he’s only really missing 6 bedtimes? Or if they don’t go to school you could go stay with Friends/family if you would be lonely/overwhelmed without him. Having been to Vegas 5 times I think it’s better for a stag do/girls trip than a couples hol (though still fun for that)

READ THE THREAD

Do you not think you're being a bit harsh? He's going on a stag do, you've said you are fine with him going away every so often so i don't see the big deal? This is coming from a carer of an autistic 8 year old who too who has had 1 night no kids in the last 8 and half years!

He asked - if you don't want him to go, say no. Simples.

@CaffineismyBFF

Do you not think you're being a bit harsh? He's going on a stag do, you've said you are fine with him going away every so often so i don't see the big deal? This is coming from a carer of an autistic 8 year old who too who has had 1 night no kids in the last 8 and half years!

He asked - if you don't want him to go, say no. Simples.

She said no and now he’s sulking and saying how unfair it is

He showed no interest in going with you but he wants to go with some (not particularly close) friends? This would be the problem for me. What can he do without you there that he can’t do when you are???

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. You know you’re life and what you can and can’t do. You’ve looked at what 6 days on your own will look like and know it’s not a prospect that feels great. As you’ve said it’s not that you can’t do it’s that you don’t have to. Of course you’d choose to not want to do it. Life with a child with complex needs is really tough and I get 6 days without the support of another adult can feel overwhelming. That’s what your facing and knowing he’s off having fun it’s perfectly natural to be questioning it, and get stuck in the thoughts of fairness, resentment and guilt that brings.
What struck me most in your messages was where you said, he could cope if he had to, but it wasn’t fair on your DD. I can relate to that, but and I feel this is important. Your needs are not less than your DD. It’s ok to take respite, letting go of it not always being just about her is ok. It’s the oxygen mask effect - as a carer you have to prioritise yourself, your no use to your daughter if your on your knees, feeling overwhelmed, resentful. If you can find ways to get proper respite let your husband take more of the burden then you’ll feel stronger and hopefully less overwhelmed. Maybe you’ll then feel 6 days would be doable, but I think it’s perfectly reasonable to tell him at the moment you feel dread at the prospect and your questioning how he can go off and have fun knowing your feeling like that. Talk to him about how he can help you feel ok about the prospect. If he’s not willing to look at it from your perspective and help you find ways to feel better about it, then you’ve got real problems here I’m afraid.

The only thing worse parents of NT kids not getting it is parents of autistic kids not getting it.

My twins have no problem going to school for example - they love school. But I completely understand that for other autistic children, the battles OP describes are a real issue. Our experiences are all different.

@SinkGirl

The only thing worse parents of NT kids not getting it is parents of autistic kids not getting it.

My twins have no problem going to school for example - they love school. But I completely understand that for other autistic children, the battles OP describes are a real issue. Our experiences are all different.

Yep! My son takes 3 hours to get to school and usually has at least 1 meltdown in the process. Every single day.

@MollyMinniesMum

He showed no interest in going with you but he wants to go with some (not particularly close) friends? This would be the problem for me. What can he do without you there that he can’t do when you are???

just... go there in the first place?

The OP is not going anytime soon, life is too short. Sounds more reasonable to try to have a life. So much healthier than being resentful or getting more and more annoyed with a partner who doesn't "allow" you to do anything.

With children