Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be there

191 replies

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:54

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 21/02/2021 18:58

Crikey - if he faints at the sight of blood why would you want him to be at a birth?

Original poster
Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:59

Because I have no one else

OP posts:
Original poster
Magschoice · 21/02/2021 19:00

Even if he could be there at the start for a few hours and leave then at the end. However he refuses to even come into the hospital

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 21/02/2021 19:01

He needs to get his shit together and put the needs of you and your child first. Seek support and be there for you. What’s he going to do when his child falls over and hurts their knee/has a nose bleed?

StoneofDestiny · 21/02/2021 19:03

If you were acutely claustrophobic and he insisted you went into a confined space despite your protests - how would you feel about it?

covetingthepreciousthings · 21/02/2021 19:03

Go for the birth YOU want, not the birth suited to him. If you want to try have a water birth or a vaginal birth then go for that.

I would be extremely surprised if they granted you an elected c-section for this.

If it's any consolation, my DH is a massive fainter, faints at the dentists / doctors at the sight of blood or needles, he managed to stay upright through out my delivery, both of us were completely astounded as I thought he'd have fainted or had to leave.

Please don't choose your birth plan based around this, choose the one YOU want. Thanks

Scottishskifun · 21/02/2021 19:04

Honestly go for what you want if you want a water birth then do it! I found it massively helped.
It might be worth researching dulas who can be there yes you pay for them but they keep you calm and prep you through it. By the sounds of your OH it would be far more supportive for you!

Original poster
Magschoice · 21/02/2021 19:04

I am terrified, this is my first child. He knows I’m afraid of the birth, and given I have no one else within a couple of hours drive I am literally going into this on my own.

It’s not how I thought things would be and I’m really shocked at his stance on this

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 21/02/2021 19:04

I think it's reasonable to come into the hospital - but aversion to blood that leads to fainting isn't a small thing. Hypnosis?

Scottishskifun · 21/02/2021 19:06

@Magschoice

Even if he could be there at the start for a few hours and leave then at the end. However he refuses to even come into the hospital
And how does he expect you to get to hospital...... 🙄 You can't drive yourself in labour and its hardly a ambulance requirement if in standard labour!
Jumpers268 · 21/02/2021 19:06

@Keeva2017

He needs to get his shit together and put the needs of you and your child first. Seek support and be there for you. What’s he going to do when his child falls over and hurts their knee/has a nose bleed?
Whilst I appreciate that it's obviously something he can't help and I wouldn't expect him to just "deal with it", this is something he is going to have to get support for to move past. My son's dad is also not a fan of blood (not at the point of fainting or anything) but he just kept his head towards mine and didn't look down. I really feel for you though, that's tough.
covetingthepreciousthings · 21/02/2021 19:07

How long do you have before your due date?

Ileflottante · 21/02/2021 19:08

Don’t be changing your birth plan to suit him. Fuck sake! Your body, your birth, your choice. He sounds like he doesn’t want to be there anyway. Confused

covetingthepreciousthings · 21/02/2021 19:08

I know you said your family live the other side of the country, but would it be possible for your mum to come stay to be your birth partner? Depending on how your relationship is with her.

grapefruitish · 21/02/2021 19:08

You're not doing it on your own, you'll be with staff trained to look after you. I'm probably the wrong person to advise as I've had bad experiences of fathers and births but you can do this, think of yourself, choose the way you want to birth. Don't have someone there who will drag you down by being useless.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 21/02/2021 19:08

Have what you want. Don't factor him in at all. Sounds like he will be a pretty shoddy dad anyway.

If you asked me, I'd drive across the country for you, ask others.

Ileflottante · 21/02/2021 19:09

@Magschoice

Even if he could be there at the start for a few hours and leave then at the end. However he refuses to even come into the hospital
This and your latest post are shocking. He is putting himself before you and your child already. Utterly pathetic.
Love51 · 21/02/2021 19:09

You can get psychotherapy for this type of thing on the NHS. But not if you are due very imminently.
I'd have him at the hospital as you will want him to drive you there, but not necessarily in the room.
My city had a volunteer doula programme but I think it stopped at the start of lockdown one. You could research if that's available in your area. You'd probably be allowed a doula if they were your only person, (pre covid you could have had the husband AND the doula.
You won't be alone, there will be midwives.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 21/02/2021 19:09

I can see both sides. You deserve some support. But someone who is likely to faint at a critical moment is not the person to provide that. If he faints or is sick or whatever its going to make everything worse for you.

I do think he should consider going in with you at the initial stages, it's often long and boring and it's extremely unlikely he will see any blood or fluids.

Is there no one else that could come and stay with you for a bit around your due date? Or be prepped to come and see you with no notice?

You could do it alone, I actually think this might be easier for you than someone who is puking or hyperventilating in the corner

Notanotherhun · 21/02/2021 19:10

Terrified - maybe it would be worth researching birth stories, the methods and ways to prep. Hypnobirthing was a godsend. Your partner also needs to get his act together.

NewScone · 21/02/2021 19:11

Have you planned how to get to the hospital?

AlexaShutUp · 21/02/2021 19:12

He needs to get a grip. Yes, it will be challenging for him, but it isn't exactly going to be a walk in the park for you either, is it?

Love51 · 21/02/2021 19:12

I missed the bit where he won't come to the hospital! Fuck it, sack him off and get your mum / sister / best mate to be your birth partner. Tell him he's still giving you a lift to the hospital though, you shouldn't have to take a taxi.

edwinbear · 21/02/2021 19:13

YANBU to want him there, however, he may not actually be much support to you if he doesn’t want to be there and finds it stressful.

FWIW DH is also very squeamish, he found it very difficult being with me when I had DC1. Subsequently as a birth partner, he was hopeless, which in turn stressed me out as I was worrying about him, rather then concentrating on giving birth. As a result, DC1 became a complicated, difficult birth, culminating in forceps. DH was diagnosed with PTSD afterwards.

When I fell pregnant with DC2, he said he just couldn’t face going through it again, so we hired an independent midwife who supported me in hospital. It was a million times better, 7hrs rather than 36hrs, gas & air only rather than epidural, laboured in the pool, no instruments. If we had a 3rd, hell would freeze over before I allowed DH anywhere near me whilst giving birth!

I completely understand that you want him there, but if he really can’t face it, it’s worth thinking whether he will be able to provide the support you need. Could you perhaps hire a doula to accompany you?

NewScone · 21/02/2021 19:13

All the midwives will support you. Why does he not think he can make it to the start of the process? It can take a looong time and there might be lots of just sitting and waiting. The blood doesn't really happen until near the end.

Swipe left for the next trending thread