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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should be there

191 replies

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:54

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

OP posts:

hardboiledeggs · 22/02/2021 09:01

I’d be surprised if they gave you a c section for this reason. Usually it’s for health reasons or emergencies. I’ve had a c section and everything was covered so I think his “friend” might be talking shit! I see both sides tbh, I still think he should try to be there for as long as he can stomach it.

SaltyTootsieToes · 22/02/2021 09:03

We had similar discussion when we had our first D.C. my DH does actually faint at the sight of blood. He’s done it since a young age and continues to this day. In fact, VE Day he fainted having cut his finger. I gladly was partaking of the road stand at the end of your drive, shout across to you neighbour while drinking G&T when my DD ran out that Dad had fainted. Caused some commotion in our street but I I’d have to tell them it was nothing, paper cut that bled.

I didn’t give my DH an option. I had no one else as I’m not british. Moved here for him. He saw no blood and did not faint. He looked at me. He didn’t look beyond my head/shoulders. We have two D.C. he never saw blood

Starlight39 · 22/02/2021 09:16

It is shit he won't even try or discuss it when you've given loads of options and even offered to have a CS for him. Will he come in once baby is born and everything cleaned up at least?

I'd try and hire a doula if enough money but if not, I think the midwives would be a great support if you were there by yourself. You could discuss it with them before hand to get some reassurance on what to expect and mention on your birth plan. Fwiw, I was induced and it went pretty quickly so ended up by myself in hospital until they let DP in around 40 mins before she popped out and by that point I was a bit out of it and in my own head (also on gas and air). I also had a student midwife there so there were 2 sets of hands so you could also ask about the likelihood of that.

I think he sounds unreasonable as he won't discuss it and doesn't sound at all apologetic or sympathetic to your concerns. However, for now I'd try and put the idea of having him there out of your mind as there's no point stressing about something you can't change. Focus on the fact you won't be worrying about him fainting just as you need him. Or you worrying about any blood just in case it bothers him.

Longdistance · 22/02/2021 09:16

He’s a silly bugger. He’ll kick himself missing it. My dh was by my head as I didn’t want him seeing that end, he didn’t want to either. He was holding my g&a and making sure I was ok. Giving me sips of water, sorting my hair etc. That’s all you need from him, he’s not a doctor or midwife.
Get him to watch loads of ‘one born every minute’ programs, he can see what the dads are like on that.

ancientgran · 22/02/2021 09:20

@Handsoffstrikesagain

vinyl I had one very bad birth resulting in ventouse, episiotomy and a very bad bleed. It is unfair to assume that birth without the father isn’t any different. My child’s father came in very handy during that situation! Many women find it very useful to have their partner or husband at the birth advocating for them.

I had a difficult birth with episiotomy and forceps. The doctor was doing his bit, midwife and her student standing with their arms round my husband. I heard the student say, "It's the dads I feel sorry for."

I would have been alot less stressed if he'd been somewhere else, not his fault but I don't imagine the student would have said something so annoying if he hadn't been there.

Scrunchy95 · 22/02/2021 09:22

Oh dear, you have a whole heap of crap to deal with in the next few years if he can cry off any challenging situation because he might faint. Sadly you don't get a choice. Perhaps he should put himself in your choiceless position and muck on!

Scottishskifun · 22/02/2021 09:22

@Magschoice

He has said to me he doesn’t see the issue in me going in alone. I see that a lot of people say their dp didn’t help much and they were better off without.

I feel a sense of guilt now for seeing this as a big problem and us arguing over it

What???? You feel guilty for wanting to be supported through birth?! Sorry you need to give your head a shake!

As for go in alone there are a few logistics to that you don't just merrily walk down the corridor holding your bag!
Call a family member to come stay and be a birthing partner or hire a duala your partner is ridiculously selfish.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 22/02/2021 09:25

To be honest Id rather do it alone than opt for a c section just because of him. I've had a c section and the recovery was very hard.

I'm due any week now and am prepared to go alone (if needed due to childcare). It's honestly not that bad, you go in on yourself anyway.

Pinkfreesias · 22/02/2021 09:36

If, by some miracle, you could drag him there, surely his phobia would make it all about him. It wouldn't be about keeping you calm, comfortable and relaxed. You're the most important person in this.

RandomUser18282 · 22/02/2021 09:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ArtemisBean · 22/02/2021 09:38

Oh my God. All of this...ALL of it... is about you and the baby. What YOU want, what YOU need. YOUR body, YOUR pain, YOUR blood. He's being unbelievably selfish and obviously hasn't done his homework on what pregnancy, birth and, you know, PARENTHOOD, actually involves. He's just assumed you'll deal with it all. If he's going to be this useless to you, let him bugger off and find people who will be there for you. Sorry for all the angry caps... I'm effing pissed off for you! You deserve so much better.

billy1966 · 22/02/2021 10:57

A C-section is major surgery and until you have gone through you cannot imagine how difficult it is.

Then recovering from it and having to lift and feed and mind a baby.

It is so hard.

I haven't had one thank god, but I have had many friends have one and it can be very tough.

It is major surgery, do not be confused on that point.

It is not something you want unnecessarily.

Having a baby with such a selfish waster miles from home, I honestly would think the birth will be the easy part.

The nurses are very kind and will support you.

Your worry should be finding yourself miles from home with a selfish waster who doesn't want to be at tge birth of his child.

Have you deluded yourself into thinking he's going to do his share?

Changing nappies?
Feeds during the night?
Holding and rocking the baby so you get a break?

He sounds extremely selfish.

Be very very careful about the decisions you are making.

He is showing you very clearly EXACTLY who he is.

I suggest you believe him.

Cpl1586407 · 22/02/2021 11:06

Like, you're not having a tooth out, you're having a baby, it's wild that he thinks - "oh yeah no biggie, she'll be fine on her own"

PurpleMustang · 22/02/2021 11:08

I think he should make an effort. You could be in labour for a while before anything significant happens. And if you are there in pain it helps to have someone there to pass things to you, get stuff out of your bags. He could even if still there when things progressed stay at the head end and turn towards the wall so his view is limited to just you and not anything else going on in the room. But ultimately if he does feel unwell you need to remember and they do stress this beforehand the staff are there primarily for you. They remind you that if he needs food and drink you need to take it with you as he is not their priority. If he starts to feel ill he needs to leave. But yes, he should make an effort

BoyTree · 22/02/2021 11:16

Don't have a c-section you don't want to accommodate him. He can choose whether to address his issues or not. You have made it clear that you would like him at the birth, and it sounds like he is not prepared to do ANYTHING to even investigate whether he might be able to make that possible, let alone putting in the work to demonstrate that he appreciates how important it is to you.

His phobia isn't the problem - his attitude is.

DreamingofAruba · 22/02/2021 11:38

@Cpl1586407

Like, you're not having a tooth out, you're having a baby, it's wild that he thinks - "oh yeah no biggie, she'll be fine on her own"

Yep. He doesn't see the issue??? He's not the one expelling a whole other person through his fanny, is he?

What an absolute gobshite. I'm so annoyed on your behalf.

Go back to your family for support. Think about making that move permanent.

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