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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be there

191 replies

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:54

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

OP posts:
NewScone · 21/02/2021 20:06

Genuine blood phobia ok. But they can put that in the birth plan and he can leave once blood is involved! They can even make sure baby is cleaned up before they are passed back to you. I would be disappointed if I was in this situation and he didn't even come to the hospital with me and try.

eightxmaspaws · 21/02/2021 20:10

@Magschoice Really he ought to be taking you to hospital.
But bear in mind that even ‘helpful’ supportive non-squeamish people can be utterly useless when it comes to helping you through labour.
Water births can be great (had one) but if you’re in the uk, not always available.
See how you go.
I’d try and find a friend ideally- who could come with you, be prepared to rub your back, stay at the head end, whatever you are comfortable with.
If he’s truly squeamish, and liable to pass out/vomit/run out screaming then really he’s worse than useless. He’ll be hindering the medical staff not helping

AbstractHeart · 21/02/2021 20:10

Absolutely shocked by how few people people here appreciate that phobias are genuine and debilitating mental illnesses!

SarahBellam · 21/02/2021 20:11

Christ, what a selfish, lame, dick. Even if he can’t cope with blood he could at least get you there and be with you until he needed to not be there. That’s a whole new level of selfishness.

VinylDetective · 21/02/2021 20:11

It’s what he’s like after the birth that matters, not whether he’s there for it. Ask someone you trust to be your birth partner and have the water birth you want. Cutting him out of the equation gives you one less thing to worry about.

I had one birth with my kid’s dad there and one without him. There really wasn’t much difference to be honest.

Parkermumma07 · 21/02/2021 20:12

If he really is a Set on not being there then do it without him.
You won’t be on your own some lovely midwives will be there to help you through it. It’s his loss meeting your baby for the first time is the best feeling in the world. If he’s not willing to put aside ( or at least try) his fear then he really is the one missing out. It’s really shit and you shouldn’t have to but you can do it without him.

AbstractHeart · 21/02/2021 20:13

@NewScone

Genuine blood phobia ok. But they can put that in the birth plan and he can leave once blood is involved! They can even make sure baby is cleaned up before they are passed back to you. I would be disappointed if I was in this situation and he didn't even come to the hospital with me and try.
Most people with a phobia of flying can't even bare to be in airport. Phobias are irrational by definition.
gamerchick · 21/02/2021 20:14

@AbstractHeart

Absolutely shocked by how few people people here appreciate that phobias are genuine and debilitating mental illnesses!
So what would you suggest to the OP then?
TheWaif · 21/02/2021 20:15

I think you're silly to think that you'd be given a C-section due to the father being squeamish. He's definitely right that it would be far worse anyway (I had one and my then DH was there).

Wattagoose90 · 21/02/2021 20:15

At birth...

Husbands = useless
Midwives = angels

That said, what a scary experience to go through on your own. His resistance to even be in the room during the early stages is mind boggling.

Have your water birth and hold this against him for the remainder of his days.

BooUrns · 21/02/2021 20:15

@AbstractHeart

Absolutely shocked by how few people people here appreciate that phobias are genuine and debilitating mental illnesses!
Won’t be any blood in the cafe or waiting area though, OP would be ok with that.

He does sound utterly pathetic

VinylDetective · 21/02/2021 20:17

So what would you suggest to the OP then?

That she works with what she’s got and plan for him not being there as numerous pp have suggested.

Kitewoman · 21/02/2021 20:18

So what would you suggest to the OP then?

Leave him out of the delivery room. it's really that simple. We know nothing about DH than his blood phobia. He may still be a brilliant husband/dad otherwise.

So much hysteria on this thread again Hmm

NewScone · 21/02/2021 20:19

@AbstractHeart fair point. I understand now you've made that comparison. Some people get scared just approaching an airport.

Maybe he could try a practice run to see if he can get to the hospital. Like the fear of flying courses. But it might be a bit late for help now.

lms2017 · 21/02/2021 20:19

Hi,
I had a planned c section , my partner faints at the thought of hospitals etc .... He is terrible buckets of sweat ...

He came ... He drove but we had to swap as he was feeling faint .
We got there and he wasn't well , all the focus I should have been having was on him ,

Eventually went to a private room waiting for my turn lots of emergencies took priority so we waited a while . He went to get a drink and the security wouldn't let him back in to my room or the ward area. I could hear him raising his voice slightly . I had a nurse come in and tell me I was safe and he wouldn't come be allowed in I was being safeguarded.Confused . They had me mixed up long story short someone same name etc as me same day !!
He got back in the room so wound up and we had to go down to theatre ....

He said I'll be back in a minute
Faint no.1
In theatre introducing names to surgeons etc
Faint no. 2
Pain on my face from epidural
Faint no. 3
Baby born passed to dad
I got to get some air ....
Faint no.4 not to be seen for a while.

Then they cut me somehow and
I had to have a transfusion he was down on the floor as soon as they Paged for an emergency surgeon.

There's me talking about the day oh yeah I am losing alot of blood , but I'm fine where's he gone this time ....

Basically .. sorry for the life story but he grew a pair and stepped up so your partner should atleast try! . Get some hypnotherapy before hand ! . .

If he won't then Have your water birth , the midwife's are all you really need for support they are all so lovely x ! He may be more of a PIA being there.

P.s I didn't want my mum there as she would wind me up Grin

Good luck with it and however it happens it will happen and be amazing ! Xx

AbstractHeart · 21/02/2021 20:22

@gamerchick She should encourage her DP to work on overcoming his phobia before the birth. & if he refuses to do this then yes I agree with PPs that he's selfish.

Phobias are the most treatable of all mental illnesses. He doesn't even need to see a professional - if he Googles systematic desensitisation techniques then he'll see that can do them at home with OP.

notalwaysalondoner · 21/02/2021 20:22

I understand why you’d want him there, but I’d strongly encourage you to see if there is someone who can come and stay around you’re due date and come instead of him. Are any of your family retired? Are any of your friends or siblings or cousins furloughed? People are also working from home a lot so can travel and stay somewhere for weeks without any disruption to their work. I would definitely ignore the rules and have someone else temporarily become part of my household because of this.

I agree I’d rather he got over himself and at least tried to be there - but sounds like he won’t, so it’s better to find an alternative than rely on him. It also allows you to have the kind of birth you want. I wonder if he’s overestimating the amount of blood - a normal birth he can stay at your head, not look down, and he shouldn’t be over exposed to it...

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 21/02/2021 20:22

There's a difference between a blood phobia and complete refusal to come to the hospital. The refusal gives an indication of what type of dad he will be.

phoenixrosehere · 21/02/2021 20:24

I don’t think yabu to want him there, but I do think yabu to try to force him to be there when he is going to be pretty much useless. Consider how much help he is really going to be instead of how much you want him there.

You are going to be at your most vulnerable. Do you really want to be at your most vulnerable with your concentration being divided between giving birth and wondering what is going to happen to your partner due to his aversion?

As another poster said, see if either you could go stay with your mum or have mum or someone you trust and/or are comfortable with to be with you.

Or, consider hiring a doula. We hired one for our second and honestly I hired her again if I were to have a third over having my husband with me. I love my husband but he suffers from anxiety and gets restless quite easily which means bothering the sh** out of me until he finds something to do when we’re at home. I do best when my environment is calm, quiet and unbothered which is what I had for the entirety of my labour and birth with the doula and it was an amazing and positive birth experience.

VinylDetective · 21/02/2021 20:25

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

There's a difference between a blood phobia and complete refusal to come to the hospital. The refusal gives an indication of what type of dad he will be.
It really doesn’t. It indicates he’s a reluctant birth partner who’d be more hindrance than help.
AbstractHeart · 21/02/2021 20:26

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation

There's a difference between a blood phobia and complete refusal to come to the hospital. The refusal gives an indication of what type of dad he will be.
Actually, avoiding the location of the phobic stimulus is a defining feature of a phobia
HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 21/02/2021 20:26

It indicates he can't put anyone else's needs above his own. Blood phobia, fine don't be at the birth. Refusing to go to the hospital just makes him a dick.

PorcelainCatStack · 21/02/2021 20:27

I couldn’t respect my DH if he was so unwilling to even try or compromise in this. He needs to grow a spine. Bravery is not lack of fear but doing something despite the fear. He’s being a coward.

There are lots of compromises but he’s not going to try and you’re on your own. Doesn’t bode well for parenting together. Next he’ll be fainting at dirty nappies Hmm

ClarkeGriffin · 21/02/2021 20:31

@AbstractHeart

Absolutely shocked by how few people people here appreciate that phobias are genuine and debilitating mental illnesses!
When you have such a phobia though, you avoid things to do with said phobia. I'm scared of falling, so I don't go rock climbing. He's decided to have a baby KNOWING that the birth will likely involve blood and is point blank refusing to try and handle it. I doubt he'll try to get help either, he'll be one of those that simply can't be helped, or rather he'd prefer to let his wife crack on by herself.
Dixiechickonhols · 21/02/2021 20:32

Pay a Doula? You need someone you can rely on and to advocate for you if you aren’t able to. Is he really happy for baby to alone if you need a general anaesthetic or if baby transferred to nicu and you are too ill to go with baby.