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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be there

191 replies

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:54

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 21/02/2021 19:14

He needs to grow a pair to be honest. How did he expect a baby to be delivered, stork? Hmm How is he going to deal with cuts on the kids, nose bleeds etc?

If he's that phobic of something, he should have thought of that before getting you pregnant and got help for it.

Thewithesarehere · 21/02/2021 19:15

He needs to get his shit together and get on with it.

FoxAndRabbit · 21/02/2021 19:16

I faint at the site of blood but I had to be there at the birth of my child! Had no choice! He needs to grow up. How is he going to be there for his child in an emergency if he can't do this? You need his support dammit.

You can write a birth plan detailing his fears and asking staff to be sensitive. I said I didn't want to see any blood or gory details and they did a great job of shielding me from that stuff.

But he should definitely be there FFS!!

Brefugee · 21/02/2021 19:18

if he's refusing to get his shit together and support you at this scary time, tell him to fuck off our of your life and look after himself and see what his answer to that is?

Can you arrange a water birth if he's realistically not going to step up here? At least that way you can have what you want. Have you had contact with your midwife?

He's being an absolute fucker, but if he won't change you need to decide how to handle this, and the rest of your life with him, sooner rather than later. How, for eg, does he feel about poo? sick? is he ever going to manage to change a nappy?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy your baby!

User7312019 · 21/02/2021 19:18

This is ridiculous I don’t understand why you would have a child with someone so focused on their own needs. How did this conversation not come up before having a child? And just out of interest, what’s his plan if your child injures themselves? Leave and call someone else to deal with it

Thewithesarehere · 21/02/2021 19:20

In my experience, men who can’t face the sight of gory details of birth turn out to be the ones who go green at the sight of a nappy, giving them an excellent way out of the toughest time after birth and setting a status quo that goes against women, leaving them as primary carer.

Kitewoman · 21/02/2021 19:21

I think Yabu.

stop pressuring him. stop changing your birthing plan (a C-section for that reason, really???). I guess his statement to not come to hospital is down to you pressuring him. Some people just cannot deal with this physical side of things. Trust me, you really don't want him there.

Loads of women give birth with just the midwife (me too). You will not be alone, you will have highly trained and experienced staff with you. you will not be the first nor the last woman to give birth without husband. It is fine, it really is.

Do you have a good friend you could take along or is that not permitted because of covid?

Original poster
Magschoice · 21/02/2021 19:21

I understand it’s going to be tough for him. I just feel like I will end up resenting him if he doesn’t try. If he had of said “I’ll try and be there but I may need to leave” I would totally understand.

It’s his attitude, I’ve tried to discuss different options for him and he is still adamant he won’t come in.

It’s ended up in a big argument and I don’t see any point in pushing him on it any further. It’s just really upset me Sad

OP posts:
Kitewoman · 21/02/2021 19:23

my friend's husband fainted during the birth. It created so much stress for the midwife's having to deal with the bloke on the floor whilst dealing with a labouring woman. Some men just don't belong into a delivery room.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 21/02/2021 19:24

He's setting himself up for a life of doing fuck all. Have the birth you want and ask someone else. He sounds like a selfish twat. Leave him now if you can, there will be years more of this crap.

NewScone · 21/02/2021 19:26

Could he sit outside the room and wait? So you know he is there? I'm not sure if they allow that in covid times.

thedaffodilsareout · 21/02/2021 19:28

My dh fainted. Not ideal but he sat down for a while, got himself together and was there when I needed him most. I'm still glad he was there and so is he. And he's a great dad. I just want to say, even if your dp does faint (and he might not) it doesn't have to be a disaster. Honestly wasn't that big of a deal for us. Ten minutes, a glass of water and he was back where I needed him (which was the head end anyway). All the best with your pregnancy

RandomMess · 21/02/2021 19:29

TBH I didn't find DH that helpful for any my labours. By the final time it said in my notes he was there to carry the bags and the midwives needed to be my birth partner.

They laughed but said it was brutally honest and easy to follow.

You are likely to have plenty of time to have your Mum/sister/friend travel to you and be there. I found it all intense and probably would have told DH to F off if he'd tried to "help".

Original poster
Magschoice · 21/02/2021 19:32

I suggested that to him. He just said no he can’t be there. That’s what annoys me the most!

Why, if it’s allowed, can he not just be outside, be in the building, go for a coffee in the cafe.

If he came in initially and had to leave, that’s totally understandable. If he felt that he couldn’t come back in then again i would understand. It’s his refusal to try. Like other posters have suggested if not a quick delivery we could be there hours before anything happens.

It would mean a lot to me for him to be there. Or at least be open to at least trying. I won’t be having a great time either

OP posts:
justilou1 · 21/02/2021 19:33

I wouldn't have him at the conception of the next one if he's going to be like this!

Dontbeme · 21/02/2021 19:33

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own

At this point OP I would be considering going back home where you have the support you will need. Can you go back home to family and have the baby there with support from a parent, sibling or friend. What is his plan if you go into labour in the middle of the night or when he is at work, if he refuses to go to the hospital does he plan to put you into a taxi or pop down to the hospital on the bus? He has had nine months to come up with a way to deal with his phobia, and "you're on your own love, bye" is not a great solution, what else is he going to opt out of parent wise?

CuntyMcBollocks · 21/02/2021 19:36

Have whatever birth YOU want. If his aversion to blood is really that bad, then he will opt out of being there, whatever you choose. You need to put YOUR needs first as it will be YOU who is going through the birthing process.

HollowTalk · 21/02/2021 19:37

I'd be looking at moving back to my mum's, too. He's putting himself first at a time that's frightening for you. He could easily be in the room and not see a drop of blood. If he's not prepared to give it a go then I'd be off.

Tempusfudgeit · 21/02/2021 19:37

Imagine (God forbid) you're hit by a bus and are dying in the A&E. Would he come then? If not, I would seriously move back to where you have some actual support. He's no good.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 21/02/2021 19:40

I agree as a soon to be parent he should at least be willing to talk about it and your options for you and his child, as this is your first birth they tend to be the longest for stage one too, if he does not budge on this, id personally plan my birth plan on myself not him if it’s a water birth go for it, there are many options but if he’s not even willing to discuss it I’d look into them all and see what I found most comfortable, home birth, someone else staying with you or you going to stay with someone there are other options for you and even doing it alone may be some women’s most comfortable option, if it helps I have had three babies myself and been at two other births and in both your positions I’d say it would be great if he could be there for the first stage but then have someone else to be with you if he needs to leave or for the last stage, looking back myself and my own labours I differently appreciated having my birthing partner through it all but at the last stage I really didn’t care who was there with me mind I was much to busy listening to my body and midwife on when to push and stop and remembering to breath

RandomMess · 21/02/2021 19:42

I would be pissed off at his attitude too btw!!

RunningFromInsanity · 21/02/2021 19:42

If you are anywhere near the Cambridgeshire area, I’ll be your birthing partner!

I’m not squeamish, calm in a crisis, very supportive, happy to be yelled at etc

Chanandlerbong01 · 21/02/2021 19:43

The birth is about you and your needs. I would be annoyed about the fact he isn’t even willing to try. I would feel let down, surely before you made the baby he realised you would need to give birth, he should have made it clear then.

To me giving birth would be the event I would want support at more than any other time in my life. If he came in and had to leave I would be able to deal with that. Him not even thinking about my needs when I actually am in pain and going through something in comparison to him worrying about him maybe finding it too much wouldn’t be good enough for me.

Lipz · 21/02/2021 19:43

OK this is your first baby so neither of you know what to expect.

All deliveries are different.

Your dh is listening to 'stories', people like being graphic, especially men.

I've had 5 babies. Each one was very different. Some had more blood then others.

Your dh can stand at your 'head end '. He can turn his back to the delivery part, and face you and comfort you. He can leave when baby is handed to you, but I reckon he'll be so happy he won't mind a bit of fluid and blood on baby.

If he is adamant not to attend, the midwives are always fantastic, they never leave you 'to it', they will talk to you, hold your hand, wipe your face, encourage you, etc

unmarkedbythat · 21/02/2021 19:43

Firstly, I'd not be making my birth choices according to what a spectator prefers to see. Secondly, I would not have anyone there who wasn't going to be a support for me. In your shoes I would give up on trying to persuade him to attend- who would it help? How would it help? Do you really think his presence sounds remotely likely to be a positive thing if you somehow talk him into being there? And then think of ways for it to be possible to have someone who would be a supportive presence, if you want one. He isn't going to be that for you. He will not fulfil that role. I think you'd be daft to try and talk him into it.