To think he should be there

[Magschoice]

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

Have the birth you want
There will be midwives on call
Tell him he's to drive you to hospital then he can wait outside

Is he going to faint at poo and vomit too ? Coz babies do lot of that ...

This exact storyline is playing out on emmerdale at the minute

@StoneofDestiny

If you were acutely claustrophobic and he insisted you went into a confined space despite your protests - how would you feel about it?

If he was birthing a baby, she probably would be

He needs to grow up. He’s got several years of nose bleeds, cuts, etc ahead of him. That’s if you decide to keep him as your boyfriend.

Don't feel guilty!!!

It is very much portrayed that you DP goes with you and is this amazing support. I just don't think that is the reality for many.

His attitude of refusing to go/try is horrid. Even though mine was there (had no one else to ask) and did nothing but literally carry the bags at least he put my tens machine on and gave the baby a cuddle etc.

I cut the cord and he stayed well away from the mess and I think with the eldest took a few breathers to watch the cup final.

Originally women supported women during childbirth and tbh I think that was probably a better "tradition".

I feel so sad that he’s so wrapped up in himself that instead of compromising and supporting you through all but the bits he may not cope with, he’s just point-blank refused to even go to the hospital, thus leaving you to make your own way there (when in labour!), and has ended the discussion by saying he doesn’t see a problem in you going through the birth of your first child in your own. It’s awful, OP.

Is it his first child, too?

Sorry if somebody has already suggested this and I haven't seen it but could your midwife have a word with him and explain that the blood doesn't come until the end? Because it's so reasonable for you to want him there until you're ready to deliver and it's so unreasonable for him to be so against it without even wanting to try.

My mum is a big fainter with blood (she literally bit her tongue off when she was a kid and had to have it reattached, so we're talking genuinely squemish for good reason!) but she would totally do her best to stay there for as long as she could if one of my sister's or I needed a birth partner.

I also like the suggestion of hypnotherapy you never know what will work! Fainting isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person but it sounds like he probably has a lot of anxiety around the issue and he'll be much happier he can combat that (not necessarily the fainting but doing so much to avoid any risk of it!).

He 'heard from a friend' a woman's intestines were sitting out during a c-section. Jesus, that must have been a really crap surgeon.

@StoneofDestiny

If you were acutely claustrophobic and he insisted you went into a confined space despite your protests - how would you feel about it?

I do understand this point but this is the birth of his child.

I am extremely squeamish but I was asked to be at the birth of my DGC.

I managed to stay at the head of the bed and it wasn't a problem at all.

I'm sorry, he sounds useless.

@Magschoice he can't be cope with a standard birth or a c section so how is he expecting the baby to be born?

I asked during my section for drapes to be put up, just so my husband wasn't having to see all that stuff going on, and it was absolutely fine.

You are the one giving birth so your choice and he needs to support it

You'll be better off without him in the room if he's going to faint, but he's a twat for saying he won't even come to the hospital.

FFS... if he stays up the pretty end, he won’t see a bloody thing. (No pun intended, sorry!) They put up a tent as a sterile field. If he has form for fainting, he probably won’t be allowed in there anyway - sorry. If he faints and hits his head, that creates a medical emergency that can’t be attended to while you are open on the table.

Accept he is useless get a private midwife or duola (or however you spell it)

It’s not the refusal to be there that stands out to me it’s his “oh you’ll be fine” attitude and unwillingness to at least try and fix it so he can be there while you go through a very dangerous life event.

Just have him look at your face and hold your hand?

I had a section, my husband sat by my head and didn't see a thing.

It would be better for OP not to dramatise too much! Childbirth might have been very dangerous once, it isn’t any more. It’s not necessary for men to be in attendance, they never used to be and they started being admitted to the delivery room for their benefit.

As several pp, including me, have said birth without the child’s father isn’t substantially different to birth with him. It would certainly be better if he wasn’t there than if he freaked out and made it all about him.

I’m not assuming @Handsoffstrikesagain. I’ve experienced birth both ways, the presence of the father made no difference to me.

Do you know him at all or are you together 5 minutes?

He sounds extremely selfish.

This is not a good indicator as to the type of partner and father he will be.

He clearly couldn't give a toss about how you feel.

Pack up your bags and go home to where you will get the support you need.

He attitude sucks like good lord you are pushing out HIS baby and he can't even try to be there?

Is it too late to hire a doula or someone like that. I would be absolutely furious with him in your position. I get he's afraid of blood but he's kind of going to have to get over that when he has a child, what happens if the kid scraps their knee? Is he going to faint every time?