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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should be there

191 replies

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:54

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

OP posts:

Honeybobbin · 21/02/2021 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2021 19:44

However he refuses to even come into the hospital

Lots of luck with this man. What an absolute waste of space he is.

Chanandlerbong01 · 21/02/2021 19:46

When are you due? I’ve never been to a birth but I’m not squeemish so if you are in Yorkshire and need a hand hold let me know!

rooarsome · 21/02/2021 19:47

Have the birth you want and put your needs first.
Sadly when I had my 3rd DH missed it as he wasn't allowed to be with me in the ward (thanks covid), and as soon as o got to delivery suite our baby made his very speedy entrance. I was supported by the midwife and a wonderful HCA.

Original poster

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 19:47

Thanks for everyone’s comments. I’ve lots of thinking to do

OP posts:

bubs765 · 21/02/2021 19:47

I'm sure you will feel just as anxious when you think about having to pushing a child's head out of your vagina. What would he do if he had to be the one giving birth, with no choice but to do so? You're right to be annoyed, if he faints, he faints. I threw up and fainted multiple times in labour but it's something you have to go through. Granted fainting might be an inconvenience while medical staff are trying to tend to you but he can leave the room if he feels this coming on.

JollyHolly30 · 21/02/2021 19:49

He sounds absolutely pathetic.
What a selfish dick to only be thinking of himself in this scenario. Show him this thread.

I'd actually struggle to sleep with someone who is so inadequate as a supportive husband.

doodlebug33 · 21/02/2021 19:49

Why on earth can't he be there for the first part? To hold your hand comfort and support you? By the time you're actively pushing, you probably won't care whether he's there or not tbf.
I wish you lots of luck and I hope he gets his shit together before the big day and comes with you.

gamerchick · 21/02/2021 19:49

I think in your shoes I'd be making arrangements to go back to family, organise the birth with support and come back when I felt like it.

I too know men who do the whole can't do blood thing and that's transferred to dirty nappies. But you need to be think of th immediate problem for the minute.

RelaisBlu · 21/02/2021 19:49

He sounds completely unable to consider anyone's needs but his own.
Doesn't augur well for the future once the baby has arrived

TokenGinger · 21/02/2021 19:52

Given he's adamant he won't be there, in your position, I would be driving back home to my mum two weeks before my due date so I had support in labour. I would not have liked to have laboured alone. I was beyond exhausted. I really valued the support of my mum and partner.

For what it's worth, if I do it again and have to choose between my mum and partner if one had to be at home for DS, I would choose my mum to be there.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 21/02/2021 19:52

What a selfish git he is. I can't believe any man would be more concerned about himself than his partner and new baby. I wouldn't be able to get over this.

Thehop · 21/02/2021 19:54

Does this also mean he will never be able to be left alone with his child? What if they have an accident and bleed and he faints?

He needs to seek treatment ASAP

surreymum89 · 21/02/2021 19:58

There is plenty of things about birth that terrify women , but they don't have a choice on whether to show up do they , it's seems like he would be useless if he did attend anyway now so I would be thinking of other plans.

surreymum89 · 21/02/2021 19:59

There are *

harridan50 · 21/02/2021 19:59

My husband was totally the same. However he came with me and stayed through all the early stages. Had to go out for the main event and did feel bad. Tbh was not really bothered at that point. Then was there straight afterwards

Hadalifeonce · 21/02/2021 19:59

Tell him, if he was there at conception he has to be there for the birth!

AbstractHeart · 21/02/2021 20:01

This sounds like a genuine phobia and therefore I'm not at all surprised that he's refusing to attend the birth. If you were scared of heights would you go on a rollercoaster?

Fortunately phobias are the most treatable of all mental illnesses. How long do you have until your due date? If it's a while then he should look into CBT or systematic desensitisation. If it's soon then he could try flooding.

Please try to have sympathy for him. I'm sure he didn't choose to have this illness and I'm sure he feels bad enough about it already.

RelaisBlu · 21/02/2021 20:02

OP some have suggested you go home to have the support of your mum/sister at the birth - this is an excellent idea. My sister was with me for my 3rd birth as the baby came early when DH was away working. She was brilliant - she'd had 3 of her own and is a doctor so I felt very safe! Your partner has made his position clear so you should make whatever arrangements you need to get the support he isn't providing - good luck

TheyIsMyFamily · 21/02/2021 20:02

I'd be reconsidering the marriage if it was me. Honestly.

Are you going to get dumped with every single nappie because he 'can't' cope?

Will he never have the child alone so you have some time to yourself in case something happens (scraped knee? bloody nose? vomit?) because he 'can't' cope?

bollocks to that. Not much of a partner whose got your back, is he?

Imagine he'd want you there if he needed medical care...

JumperooSue · 21/02/2021 20:02

I think you are being unreasonable in that you’re letting him dictate your birth choices, you are the one giving birth, he needs to be able to support you. If you want a water birth you should be able to experience that with his support, by him saying he can’t even be at the head end he’s just being ridiculous. How’s he going to cope when you’re child falls over and cuts them self and you’re not there. My partner was really nervous about the Labour, it actually plagued his excitement as he was so apprehensive, not even for the blood but for the whole thing. In the end when push came to shove (no pun intended!) he was brilliant and didn’t give any of it a second thought. You deserve to be supported and to birth the way you want,I really hope he gives himself a talking to and appreciates that this isn’t about him at all, this is about you and what you want and need to birth your baby safely

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/02/2021 20:04

How’s he going to cope when the child injures itself and he’s the only one there?.

RightYesButNo · 21/02/2021 20:04

@Tempusfudgeit

Imagine (God forbid) you're hit by a bus and are dying in the A&E. Would he come then? If not, I would seriously move back to where you have some actual support. He's no good.

OP, I was a bit metaphorically hit by a bus: I developed a really nasty chronic illness after being married for a few years. It meant my husband has had to face all kinds of medical unpleasantness, but as he says, “You’re the one who has to actually live it, so being here is what I can do.” I couldn’t have gotten through it without him. These are the moments in life when you really need your partner to step up and be there for you. And as you said, if it got to be too much and he was going to faint, it would be fine if he needed to go outside. It’s the fact that he’s not willing to talk to you about it or even try; I’m not agreeing necessarily that he’s no good, but I would worry a lot about what the future looks like with someone who deals with things by refusing to discuss or compromise.

Notanotherhun · 21/02/2021 20:05

Is he up for nappies if he can't deal with bodily processes?

Potterythrowdown · 21/02/2021 20:06

I wouldn't change my birth plan for my DH - it's my body after all. I'd be thinking about another birth partner or going back to my family home.

He should think about how he'll cope with a child growing up - mine is only 3 but I've cleaned up so many bleeding faces & knees. How is he going to cope with that?

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