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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should be there

191 replies

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:54

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

OP posts:
Happynewtier · 21/02/2021 21:28

Op, completely get where you're coming from, shitty, stressful situation for you... does he genuinely suffer from haemophobia? If so, I'd highly recommend he seeks hypnotherapy to manage this. As a previous sufferer, I can speak first hand that it's an impossible phobia to manage as a parent of toddlers/young kids who are constantly hurting themselves. You don't want to fear leaving him alone with the child, and him fainting upon a bloody accident... Even the most cautious parents/kids, get into accidents, and when they hurt themselves, they bleed lots...
I used to suffer badly with haemophobia, to the point I started having panic attacks at the thought of potentially coming into contact with the sight of blood, so wouldn't leave the house, and would be hyper alert all day while at work, just incase I saw blood. Even plasters in a first aid kit would make me feel dizzy. It is a really debilitating and misunderstood phobia. People think haemophobics are "just squeamish", when the phobia actually usually stems from some past childhood trauma or medical traumas, and the severity really can become quite life limiting. I had hypnotherapy, plus CBT, and I am now phobia free. I can still feel light headed and nauseous at the thought/sight of blood (even typing the word gives me goosebumps!) But I know I will not pass out, physically vomit, or go into mass panic attack mode. And usually when my children have an accident, I'm so caught up in helping them, that my "fear" gets pushed aside. If I was still haemophobic, I don't honestly know how I'd be able to parent. Get your partner to seek help asap to overcome this... birth is messy whatever happens, but that's just the tip of the iceberg of parenting. Good luck op.

Punching · 21/02/2021 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

partyatthepalace · 21/02/2021 21:35

Could you afford a doula??

I understand how you feel but it honestly sounds like he’ll add to your stress levels.

AmandaHugenkiss · 21/02/2021 21:35

I had an ex who told me he couldn’t deal with the sight of blood. I sort of shrugged it off as one of those things people say. I was quite ill once and had to go for a scan, he came with me, and then the Dr suggested a blood test.

The minute he saw the blood in the tube he went out like a light, taking down all the equipment he was stood next to. He was a tall broad guy and it caused no end of drama while I had my naked arse hanging out the back of a surgical gown. It was a huge issue for him.

You don’t want someone like that in there with you. He could be a great partner in every other way (only you will know if he is, or if he has a history of trying to avoid things he doesn’t want to do) but if he’s genuinely phobic even stepping in the hospital could give him a panic attack.

justasmalltownmum · 21/02/2021 21:38

My DH fainted at his own blood test. But was absolutely great during 2 births.

Thewithesarehere · 21/02/2021 21:39

@AmandaHugenkiss

I had an ex who told me he couldn’t deal with the sight of blood. I sort of shrugged it off as one of those things people say. I was quite ill once and had to go for a scan, he came with me, and then the Dr suggested a blood test.

The minute he saw the blood in the tube he went out like a light, taking down all the equipment he was stood next to. He was a tall broad guy and it caused no end of drama while I had my naked arse hanging out the back of a surgical gown. It was a huge issue for him.

You don’t want someone like that in there with you. He could be a great partner in every other way (only you will know if he is, or if he has a history of trying to avoid things he doesn’t want to do) but if he’s genuinely phobic even stepping in the hospital could give him a panic attack.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that unless they worked on it well in advance of planning to have children. If OP’s partner is like that, it is incredibly unfair of him to expect OP takes care of everything. This kind of phobia means he can’t be reliably left alone with a child at all. I
justasmalltownmum · 21/02/2021 21:39

@RunningFromInsanity

If you are anywhere near the Cambridgeshire area, I’ll be your birthing partner!

I’m not squeamish, calm in a crisis, very supportive, happy to be yelled at etc

That's so kind
LoadsOfTrouble · 21/02/2021 21:41

If he doesn't want to be there he'll be useless. Better hire a doula/independent midwife.

It sounds like you're both terrified of the birth, and I'd try to work on how you can become less terrified. A professional birth companion may help with that as well.

Of course in a very basic way it's quite appropriate to be scared. There's pain and danger involved. But your body knows what to do and the medics know how to help it along if need be. I've given birth three times; needed oxytocin every time and had various glitches, but I was still proud of myself in the end. My nr 1 handy hint: gravity is your friend, try to stand/sit up for as long as possible to speed the descent of the baby. You're not helpless.

Winnie1120 · 21/02/2021 21:51

I don’t mean to sound controversial, but only recently have men been allowed at births. It’s not really something they are supposed to be involved with, so I think it’s ok if he says he doesn’t want to be there. At least he’s told you and hasn’t had a full on panic on the day and you have 0 back up plan - this way you can prepare to do it alone and you’ll do a great job! Women all over the world give birth without men and those men are great dads, it’s just something a bit weird for them and it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person at all.

Good luck and I hope you get the water birth you want! I chickened out and had an epidural 🙈 (without my DP being there because he didn’t come to the birth - and I’ve now got a healthy 3 month old!)

WilsonMilson · 21/02/2021 21:58

Sorry, but he needs to man the fuck up!

KenAdams · 21/02/2021 22:04

Get a pool and have a home birth. He can stay upstairs for the birth bit and you don't need to worry about going to hospital.

ancientgran · 21/02/2021 22:07

@ClarkeGriffin

He needs to grow a pair to be honest. How did he expect a baby to be delivered, stork? Hmm How is he going to deal with cuts on the kids, nose bleeds etc?

If he's that phobic of something, he should have thought of that before getting you pregnant and got help for it.

Would you say that to a woman who is phobic about childbirth and wants an elective c section?
ancientgran · 21/02/2021 22:12

I used to work with someone who didn't want to witness his wife giving birth. He wasn't squeamish, in emergency services and used to blood, injuries etc. I'm not sure what it was but he really didn't want to but she insisted, argued, guilted him. He attended the birth. They split up a few months later and got divorced. He said he couldn't unsee what he'd seen and much as he loved her he couldn't be with her.

I've given birth with just a midwife I've never met before. It was probably alot better than you are imagining, we had a fun night, she made me soup when she did her meal, read me the agony aunt column from a magazine, not sure if the laughing helped my labour. Anyway what I mean is it might be something to think about although you can hire a doula to be with you.

I hope it goes well.

rosiejaune · 21/02/2021 22:15

So have a water birth without him. Can you afford a doula as support instead?

ancientgran · 21/02/2021 22:18

@SadderThanEeyore

Have the water birth you want, and you will be fine. I've given birth alone, and I preferred it as you don't have to think about anyone else(!)
That's how I felt. I wasn't bothered if DH was there or not, he was for some and not others but I think I did better without him. He was fine getting me drinks, rubbing my back but it wasn't some great bonding experience. The person I really didn't want there was my mother, worrying about her getting upset about her baby (me) being in pain wasn't going to help me at all.
pinkstripeycat · 21/02/2021 22:21

Every birth has blood no matter how you give birth. Don’t be scared, midwives will be there for you

NichyNoo · 21/02/2021 22:21

What an absolute, entitled wimp. How on earth does he think women deal with childbirth?

Nomorepies · 21/02/2021 22:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

giantwaterbottle · 21/02/2021 22:25

@ancientgran oh my god I can't get over what I just read. I mean I knew there must be men like that out there but what a sorry excuse for a man! Just made me feel all icky. He actually left his wife a few months after she gave birth because he attended the birth of his own child who she brought into the world!
Massive fuckhead.

Sorry I know not the main point of your post I was just say here in shocked anger haha

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 21/02/2021 22:28

I feel for you OP you must fee alone and scared to go through it alone.
I agree with you completely and he should try. It isn't fair on you that he won't. He could be there to support you whilst you're in labour and like you said if he can't do it take himself out but at least he tried. Not all births are completely bloody. I was fortunate enough to loose minimal amount of blood even with a tear and DP never even saw the blood anyway!

Original poster
Magschoice · 21/02/2021 22:33

He has said to me he doesn’t see the issue in me going in alone. I see that a lot of people say their dp didn’t help much and they were better off without.

I feel a sense of guilt now for seeing this as a big problem and us arguing over it

OP posts:
mnaab · 21/02/2021 22:39

OP can you afford a doula? Have the birth you want with a doula.

I know that's not quite the same but you'd have someone who could support you.

I'm not sure if I were you that I'd be able to see my husband in he same way from now on.

TokenGinger · 21/02/2021 22:39

@Magschoice

He has said to me he doesn’t see the issue in me going in alone. I see that a lot of people say their dp didn’t help much and they were better off without.

I feel a sense of guilt now for seeing this as a big problem and us arguing over it

Don't feel guilty. He's your partner. He absolutely should not be leaving you to experience the most painful and exhausting life event alone. As you said in other posts, he could be there for the start and then go into another room.

I said in my post that if I went through it again, I'd have mum there rather than DP, but given a choice of DP there or alone, I'd choose him every time. I just don't think birth is something that somebody should face alone.

MizMoonshine · 21/02/2021 22:40

OP your birthing partner needs to be someone who is there to support you and advocate for you. Having someone there who you will essentially have to baby and who may well need medical attention themselves is not a good idea.
Furthermore, no one should be forced to do something that will make them uncomfortable, even if that is being in the room as your partner gives birth.
Arrange for a family member to travel to be your birth partner.

AnathemaPulsifer · 21/02/2021 22:43

I can just about understand refusing to be in the room for the actual birth, but you’ll be at the hospital for hours and you’ll need support. Is he really happy for you to be alone through that? Sad