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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be there

191 replies

Magschoice · 21/02/2021 18:54

My dp and I were having a conversation regarding delivery methods for our child.

He has an aversion to blood, he faints at the sight of it. So for that reason I had to rule out water birth which I always wanted. He has now told me he couldn’t be there for a standard delivery, even up at the head end.

I suggested we go for elective c section, and he also refuses to be there. He heard from a friend that his wife had a c section and her intestines were sitting out! He described it as very graphic.

I’ve told him that wouldn’t be the case and there would be a screen up so he would have no view. He still refuses to be there.

My family all live at the other side of the country and I’ve no friends in the place we’ve moved to so it looks like I’m going into this on my own.

It’s caused an argument and whilst I understand his condition I feel like he could do more to support me through this? Even leave the room if it all gets too much but he won’t even consider it

OP posts:
Alienchannell21 · 21/02/2021 20:34

I second paying a doula of you can afford it. Have the birth you want. Even if you try and arrange it around him he still may not be there at the end and then you'll resent him even more.

Yaty · 21/02/2021 20:34

I'm sorry you are having a child with this man. He needs to get his shit together. I cant believe someone would be this unsupportive of their partner !!!

WitchyBitch · 21/02/2021 20:36

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I understand that phobias are real and can be very debilitating but what did he expect here? You didn't say how far along you are but it sounds like you are only jus hearing about this phobia and the resulting decision on his part that he will not attend the birth. This is what makes him a dick. I'm sorry but if this pregnancy was planned then he should've sought help for his phobia before going ahead and getting you pregnant and if it's not a planned pregnancy but is a wonderful happy accident then as soon as he found out he should've got help. It's not something you can easily live with really especially if you have kids. There will be scrapes and bumps along the way and he will need to be a dad and deal with it. So it's only going to be of benefit to him if he gets on top of it now. Phobias are horrible so I don't know why anyone who has one that could have a massive impact on your life ie... missing your child's birth, being there for you wife when she really really needs you, being able to safely care for your own child by yourself and being able to cope with accidents and 🩸...I just can't believe he wouldn't even sit in a cafe in the hospital I think it's ridiculous! Ask him about getting help and if he won't then I'm sorry but I would be thinking over wether this man is worthy of being with you and being a dad. I hope you can find some way of being with someone you trust on the big day, wether that be someone coming down to stay with you (btw I'm pretty sure that if it's for some medical reason I think you are allowed and surely this would count as that?!) or you going back up to your parents so you have people around you that you trust. I also think it's really nice that you've had offers of help from people on here! It's a sweet offer and maybe if local could end up being a new friend? Whatever happens you will be ok and once there you will be so caught up giving birth and meeting your new baby, I know you want him there and it hurts that he's refusing but concentrate on your baby and you will get through it I promise.

CastleCrasher · 21/02/2021 20:39

Does he refused to go to hospitals under other circumstances? Visiting relatives, outpatient procedures etc? If so, then presumably you already knew this, accept it's a genuine phobia and it hasn't come as a surprise. If not, then he's putting his preferences before your and your babies needs. If the former, you probably need to look at alternatives, home birth, friend or doing it alone with the professionals. If the latter? If it were me that options are simple, step up, or fuck off Flowers

Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/02/2021 20:40

My brother is very very squeamish. Had to lie on the floor during SIL’s 12 week scan as started feeling a bit faint type squeamish.

He coped ok during dn’s birth - he felt it was his responsibility so he got on with it. (And just avoided looking at the key moments!)

Could you go and stay with your family from about 35 weeks pregnant and get support there? Obviously it means that your husband will miss out on meeting the baby until you feel well enough to travel etc but this is his choice and your need for support is more important than his wants.

aSofaNearYou · 21/02/2021 20:43

The most important thing from your post is - don't have an elective C Section just so he can be there! It is not a decision to make for that momentary pay off, you need to do what is best for your body. If he isn't there, he isn't there, you will both still be parents. Though I think he should feel honour bound to try and overcome this in order to be there.

WitchyBitch · 21/02/2021 20:43

Thinking about it...did you not know about this phobia before now? You are married but for his long? Only surely you would've noticed something if you had been married a while? I would've thought this kinda thing would be noticeable quite soon. Cut your finger he would've reacted, nose bleed, even watching tv these days there's blood on lots of programmes! Did he hide it from you or ??

PaddingtonsSister · 21/02/2021 20:48

Selfish preek Sorry but he needs to man up and support you in pushing out the baby her helped create

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/02/2021 20:51

Getting past childbirth, (honestly, get the birth you want) I hate to say it childhood with him is not going to be fun. All the cuts, scraps etc. And any betting this extends to other bodily functions? Wonder who will deal with them?

sotiredofthislonelylife · 21/02/2021 20:51

When I had my DC’s, no one was allowed to be with you, so I just had a midwife. However, it’s really different now, of course.
I am afraid that I would say to my partner ‘if you can’t be there for the end, you can’t be there for the beginning’!!
You don’t have a choice - you have to be there - so he has just got to get over himself, and be there for the birth. He is behaving like a child.

Original poster
Magschoice · 21/02/2021 20:52

He seems to be okay with minor bleeding.
But even blood on tv makes him feel faint

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 21/02/2021 20:54

What do you consider minor bleeding if blood on tv makes him feel faint?

3rdNamechange · 21/02/2021 20:55

@Magschoice

Even if he could be there at the start for a few hours and leave then at the end. However he refuses to even come into the hospital
He's a dick. Sorry.
harknesswitch · 21/02/2021 21:00

Sounds like it's a full on phobia, so telling him to man up is about as much use as a chocolate tea pot. What you don't want is him taking all the attention off you op.

If you think your mum will support you, I'd have a conversation with her about going to stay with her about two weeks before your due date and staying until the baby is born. But if you want to stay at home then tell your midwife about it, my midwife was amazing and so supportive throughout the whole process. You could also have your water birth this way too

The least your dh can do is be as supportive as he can be.

toocold54 · 21/02/2021 21:02

If he came in initially and had to leave, that’s totally understandable. If he felt that he couldn’t come back in then again i would understand. It’s his refusal to try.

I am 100% with you on this.
If he said he will struggle but will be there for all of the contractions and try and stay as long as possible when it’s time to give birth but he may need to leave I’d be fine with it but him not even trying is so selfish! Imagine if you said you have a fear of blood or contractions you still wouldn’t have a choice to go through with it!

Keepcountingyourfingers · 21/02/2021 21:04

Poor fella is trying to tell you he’s not up to it. He’s showing you who he is. You need to pay attention. Do you want to force him, have him be really useless, then hold it against him forever. He doesn’t have to be there if he really can’t face it and you shouldn’t be trying to force him.

Thewithesarehere · 21/02/2021 21:04

Will he change nappies and do all other work when your child is here? What does he say about that?

MartiniDry · 21/02/2021 21:04

I'm very similar to your DH. I managed to be a birth partner for my daughter (elective CS) nonetheless, staying at the head end, holding Mum's hand, and avoiding looking up at the reflective lights.
Had there been anything remotely gory I'd have been out cold, so maybe you can reassure your husband that an elective CS, if that's what you opt for, won't be a problem.

Regarding elective sections, contrary to what was said by a previous poster it's not a case of "allowing" or disallowing one. You've every right to make that choice if that's what you want.

Good luck, whatever you choose.

Thewithesarehere · 21/02/2021 21:05

Also, what happens if he is with your child and the child gets hurt? Does he say he will not want to be left alone with your child ever?

gamerchick · 21/02/2021 21:12

[quote AbstractHeart]@gamerchick She should encourage her DP to work on overcoming his phobia before the birth. & if he refuses to do this then yes I agree with PPs that he's selfish.

Phobias are the most treatable of all mental illnesses. He doesn't even need to see a professional - if he Googles systematic desensitisation techniques then he'll see that can do them at home with OP.[/quote]
It's not the OPs job to encourage him to do anything. He's an adult and should address his own issues. The OP has enough to think about with getting another human out of her body for the first time currently unsupported.

The OP has made suggestions and he's point blank refusing. What makes you think he would be up for desensitisation therapy?

C152 · 21/02/2021 21:16

His attitude must be disappointing, but I think you should plan for him not being there. You don't want to end up worrying about him or whether he's coping when you need to be concentrating on yourself.

Can you afford a private midwife to be there to support you? You really need someone capable of being an advocate on your behalf as well, just in case.

SadderThanEeyore · 21/02/2021 21:17

Have the water birth you want, and you will be fine. I've given birth alone, and I preferred it as you don't have to think about anyone else(!)

AbstractHeart · 21/02/2021 21:19

@gamerchick OP's suggestions were related to the birth rather than relating to overcoming his phobia. If they first deal with the latter it will enable the former.

& of course it's part of OP's role to support her DP in overcoming his mental health problems. & if she wasn't up for that role then she shouldn't have chosen to have child with him!

gamerchick · 21/02/2021 21:22

Please don't @ me, ta.

He knows he has an issue, he should be the one to take the steps. Support comes after that step as it does with a whole load of other issues.

DennisTMenace · 21/02/2021 21:26

I have dp the option not to come. I figured that there was a reason that birth has been a female activity for almost all of history and my mum would probably cope better anyway. He was there though, didn't take me up on the offer.