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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

217 replies

SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 04:52

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

OP posts:
Original poster
SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 04:53

YABU - don’t say a word
YANBU - if pushed tell the truth

OP posts:
Wheresmyfuckingphone · 21/02/2021 04:56

There's a word for adults who have sex with children, and another for those who of it having known that child for all of their life.
Get some therapy for yourself to alleviate the guilt.

Crakeandoryx · 21/02/2021 05:00

Yabu. It won't make you feel better. You want to tell them to make you feel less guilty. When all your going to be doing is spreading the hurt and then you'll feel terrible for hurting more people.

You need to forgive yourself. You were just a kid and you made mistake. You know what you did was wrong. You know what you've learnt from it. Don't let it define you. It was a bad decision a long time ago. We've all made them, of various degrees. Despite the Mumsnet view of this kind of thing you're only really punishing yourself now for a mistake you made as a kid. Forgive yourself.

DeepFakeQueen · 21/02/2021 05:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoredOfCbeebies · 21/02/2021 05:03

Don't tell her, it won't do either of you any good. However, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were 16, and however grown up and in control of the situation you felt, you were still a child. He was a 32 year old man taking advantage of a teenager who trusted him.
Understandably it sounds like this is still affecting you, and I would suggest some counselling to help you process your feelings.

Dizzybrunette445 · 21/02/2021 05:03

What's the point? It's been too long, you were young and we've all made mistakes.

BastardGoDarkly · 21/02/2021 05:04

16-18 or 14-16? Awful either way, but one is recognised as illegal.

You were groomed, even if you feel like you were a consenting adult.

Don't say anything to the ex, like you say, it would do neither of you any good.

Do get some therapy if you can, its so sad that you're carrying this guilt around after all these years, I bet he's not.

Clackyheels · 21/02/2021 05:06

No dont tell her. It would do no good for anyone. In fact, pretty sure of the opposite.

custardbear · 21/02/2021 05:07

Don't let this eat you up. You were a child, he, a married adult with far more knowledge of right and wrong, what he did was wrong. You were a child
See professional therapy and don't approach the ex wife
Good luck, and forgive your child self, you were placed into a situation, you didn't cause this

Jillypots · 21/02/2021 05:08

Don’t tell her. But forgive yourself. You were a child who was manipulated by an older man who took advantage of you. You are clearly a lovely person. Live your life. Let this go.

bloodyhairy · 21/02/2021 05:18

Oh, bless you OP. I am very anti-cheating, but you don't even fit into this category, as you were a child! There is absolutely no need for the guilt you are feeling. It is all on him.
As for telling the wife, I wouldn't bother. The fact that he is a nonce AND a cheat might be too much for his family to bear. And it was all so long ago.
Please be kind to yourself and move on Thanks

PracticingPerson · 21/02/2021 05:23

He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life

Get a good therapist, who will help you see you were not the person to blame here.

Leave the wife out of it, it is irrelevant now on that score - you need to focus on yourself as you need to get free from this.

Maxiedog123 · 21/02/2021 05:26

You were 16, he was 32 and had known you for some time. There are unpleasant words for his predatory behaviour. The guilt is not yours.

GAHgamel · 21/02/2021 05:34

The only circumstances that I wouldn't answer "Oh dear God no" to this question is if by some quirk of fate she specifically asks you about it, so you're confirming what she's already suspected. That's partly because I think deliberately lying to someone's face is worse than neglecting to mention certain salient points, and given how guilty you sound about this it's likely that if you try to lie it's going to be blatantly obvious that you are anyway.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2021 05:36

@SlothMumma

Despite your claim that you knew what you were doing, at 16 and with someone who had known you all your life, you could not have fully understood what was going on. It is very likely that you were specifically targeted because you were vulnerable in some way.

As Wheresmyfuckingphone said, 'There's a word for adults who have sex with children, and another for those who of it having known that child for all of their life.'

Please do whatever it takes to find a therapist for yourself.

Please try to be kind to yourself and to look back at the child that you were with compassion and love.
Flowers

FrenchFancie · 21/02/2021 05:46

I’m echoing what others are saying but there’s two things here:
A) at 16 he definitely took advantage of you, no matter how much you felt you consented. Maybe talk about this with a therapist to understand the role you played and the role he played in what happened.

B) telling the ExW won’t make you feel better - I’ve been in a similar position (I was older but otherwise quite similar) and to be honest it made me feel more shit. She blamed me, was angry and upset and then I felt shit for a) having slept with her boyfriend in the first place and then b) telling her about it. One things she said was that, given the fact they had separated by then, I didn’t tell her to warn her, my actions were to make myself feel better not to make her feel better - that I was being selfish. I think some of what she said was true, no one gained anything by me speaking to her. The apology wasn’t wanted.

Fattyfattymummum · 21/02/2021 05:47

Just echoing the others: it's not your fault. Most definitely not. You don't need to feel guilty Flowers

Milliepossum · 21/02/2021 05:57

I too think you were taken advantage of. There is no benefit in telling her. You would also risk your partner seeing you differently too, if he doesn’t already know, and wrecking your family,

JerichoGirl · 21/02/2021 06:04

You were manipulated and betrayed, and frankly you have suffered enough. To echo previous posters, please get yourself professional help, you deserve it.

BorderlineHappy · 21/02/2021 06:06

I don't think telling her and her kids 20 years later is going to do any good.
You'll be talked about and gossipped about.
Your own kids and dh are going to be brought in to it.

Maybe the DW didn't know about it,then what?
Leave sleeping dogs lie,get some therapy and leave it in the past

Nancydrawn · 21/02/2021 06:08

I'm really sorry this happened to you, OP. You were a child; however mature you may have felt, your brain hadn't fully developed (quite literally). He was a full adult who took advantage of this, and the shame is entirely his.

I echo the calls for you to get professional help, if only to have someone to talk to about this who won't judge you and will help you alleviate your guilt and see the situation for what it is.

PurpleRainDancer · 21/02/2021 06:10

@Wheresmyfuckingphone

There's a word for adults who have sex with children, and another for those who of it having known that child for all of their life. Get some therapy for yourself to alleviate the guilt.
This. Take care OP and I hope you can get support to deal with this Flowers
sugarcherry · 21/02/2021 06:13

You were a child and he manipulated you for his sexual gratification.
You're not at fault in any way. All those years ago he taught you secrecy and guilt.....that's what he needed to keep this inappropriate relationship going.
Personally I would not tell his ex wife, you have nothing to gain and the implications of telling her are beyond your control.
Be kind to yourself. Seek therapy if you need to. The man abused his position and you. Simple as.

Jeremyironseverything · 21/02/2021 06:18

You made a mistake. I don't think there is anyone on here who's never made a mistake they regret, but there is no point beating yourself yo about it, especially considering you were a child and not thinking like an adult would. Your actions were not based on the way you, as an adult woul behave.
You can't blame a child when an adult is encouraging them to do something that is seen as desirable by the child. How many children do you knew would resist temptation, given permission from an adult? You aren't the one to blame here. Forgive yourself completely and stay quiet.

justilou1 · 21/02/2021 06:45

I bet every time she sees you, she's wracked with guilt because she sees you as a victim of her pervy ex-husband. There's a good chance she knew and kept it under wraps and resented you for it at the time, and then he did it again, and again, and now she knows she enabled a Paedophile by keeping it quiet. Leave her alone. Get a therapist. If you need to confront anyone, confront him.

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