Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

[SlothMumma]

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

1. Do not tell her. It won’t make her feel any better and you’d only be doing it to alleviate this guilt you feel.
2. Do not feel guilty, you were a child. I remember how wise and grown up I felt at 16 and when an adult takes an interest in you in that way it can make you feel special but what he did was fucked up. Please carry around no guilt regarding this. If you had known him your whole life, he very likely groomed you. Get therapy op, hope you’re okay

Are you serious @QueenoftheAir ? Do you know how grooming works? She had known this man her whole life. This isn’t her “mistake”

OP, please get counselling to work through your feelings - that will help you decide on how you proceed. And by that, you could just need to walk through your life and realise fully that you were a victim of many things inc family neglect that led you to be exploited by a father figure. None of it your fault.

The ex is nit going to ask you - she knows what he was like and you were unlikely to be the first or last.

You would be doing this for you, and not looking at the consequences for the person you’re offloading to.

That. Seriously, you'd be inflicting a world of pain on other people. How on earth would that make you feel better? I can't believe you want to tell his children. That would be insanely cruel.

I'm so sorry that you hav esuffered this unnecessary guilt for so long, but telling them would make things worse for you, not better, and the wife and kids certainly don't deserve to have this dumped on them.

If you feel confessing about what you did will help your guilt, then please talk to a therapist or a member of the clergy (if you’re religious).

No good will happen if you pass this burden in to his wife or children. At this point in time, you’ll only hurt the wife more and who knows what impact it would have in the now adult children. The DC. don’t need to know this at all. It’s you’re guilt you feel (although maybe you were taken advantage of given your age), not their guilt and not their burden to take on.

You were 16 and he was 32! I’m sorry but he was taking advantage of you and I expect his ex-wife will see that and be mortified that she was ever with someone capable of doing that. It’s very different to having an affair with someone of a similar age. By all means discuss it with her, obviously I’m not her but if someone told me that my ex-husband had done this to them then I’d be angry with my ex and would actually feel sorry for the girl. Xx

You are definitely not to blame here. A guy who had known you all your life up until the age of 16, who was 16 years older than you? When exactly did his feelings towards you change? Long before you turned 16 I would imagine, which makes him a pedophile who groomed you. I would get some help to deal with the feelings of guilt and shame, because you need to try and move on from it. Telling his wife and children would likely not make you feel any better and could cause you a whole host of new problems that you shouldn't have to deal with. I would keep away from them as much as possible.

Instead of beating yourself up about it I think you need to take a step back and reframe what actually happened.

You were 16. He was 32 and married. That is not an affair but rather an adult groomed and took advantage of a vulnerable child.

You have been living with guilt but really you are a victim. To add insult to injury you have blamed yourself for something that was done to you.

I wouldn't tell the wife/family for 2 reasons (1) it is only likely to cause her more grief and anger, it will in no way make her feel better (2) there is a risk she might initially see it the same way that you you have been blaming yourself for all these years and you don't need another voice telling you that you are to blame/a horrible person. It's simply not true.

You need to seek therapy and take control of the narrative to empower yourself to accept what has happened to you and to recast the blame onto your abuser.

I’m quite surprised at the responses on this thread TBH. Considering the whole ‘Me Too’ movement, women have been encouraged to speak out. To come forward and expose predators. Almost everyone on here is telling OP to get some therapy, keep it to herself and move on. Why should she? Maybe there have been other young girls? Maybe some were even younger? Maybe he is still doing it? If OP speaks up she could be saving others from a lifetime of emotional damage. You are all telling a victim of abuse to keep it to herself, thus letting this pig get away with it.

@Wheresmyfuckingphone

There's a word for adults who have sex with children, and another for those who of it having known that child for all of their life. Get some therapy for yourself to alleviate the guilt.

Exactly! Okay officially OP was 16, but just because she was a year over the age where it would have been considered officially wrong, yes 16 is still wrong, and especially as that puts the other person in his 30's back then, that is disgusting! Yes I agree you should have some help to deal with this.

He was married and he groomed you, if any one should be apologising it would be him!

Can you do something such as write a letter then burning it to get it out of your system?

I doubt whether he is losing any sleep over it!

Sorry I meant to say don't tell her unless you think he's still putting other girls at risk - having also read RhubarbAndRoses post that's also an important point

@RhubarbAndRoses

I’m quite surprised at the responses on this thread TBH. Considering the whole ‘Me Too’ movement, women have been encouraged to speak out. To come forward and expose predators. Almost everyone on here is telling OP to get some therapy, keep it to herself and move on. Why should she? Maybe there have been other young girls? Maybe some were even younger? Maybe he is still doing it? If OP speaks up she could be saving others from a lifetime of emotional damage. You are all telling a victim of abuse to keep it to herself, thus letting this pig get away with it.

She's not confronting him though, is she? She's not telling the police, either. She's just burdening his wife and children to relieve her misplaced guilt.

Get some counselling. I think you are very confused and are starting to see your 'affair' through new eyes and you need support. You used to see it as a 16yr old who knew her own mind, now you're seeing it as an adult of the same age he was and seeing the power imbalance and creepiness.

I don't think you should tell her whilst your head is a mess and you are confused. Certainly not from the angle of it being an affair. Counselling will be your greatest investment x

@rhubarbandroses

As uncomfortable as it is, a victim doesn't owe anyone anything, even reporting it to safeguard others. I understand why people want others to speak out to protect others, I truly do, but a victim needs to find their own path to healing.

he abused you op you were too young to realise what was going on

he probably moved on to another victim-you need therapy to deal with this

@saraclara I know quite a lot about this because I’ve had personal experience with it with my sister. It took many many years for her to actually realise that it was abuse. The fact that OP feels guilty just shows how manipulative this man was. He probably made her feel responsible. Right now the overriding feeling she is experiencing is guilt but once she starts opening up about it IRL she will start to look at it differently.

There is no requirement to tell her after all these years. At the moment you feel you wronged her, so give her the choice of whether to broach the subject, and then be open and honest. In that event you may find that she did know and, who knows, it might not be the case that she was just hurt be his infidelity all those years ago, it could be that she left him because she saw him for what he was, a disgusting predator. In a sense the situation could have helped her clarify what type of person she had married. You may find that even if she did despise you then that over the years she has realised that you were a child and a victim of adult coersion.

I had a relationship with a teacher (37) when I was 18 and for a long time I felt embarassed about it (he was single so no guilt). I was an adult while you were a child though. Nevertheless, over the years I have changed my view of the situation, and I think he acted in a disgusting way, clearly singling me out and "charming" me from the age of 15.

Men like that are horrible and she really might have had a lucky escape. He would likely have kept on having affairs. Maybe she is very happy with her life now, I hope so.

The fact that you seem stuck in a time warp of guilt over this makes me think it needs dealing with by psychotherapy. Some of them aren't too expensive, but you should always choose a therapist carefully and make sure they are registered if you do decide to do that. If your gp has diagnosed you with depression or anxiety you could get a short course of cbt, but there is obviously a long long wait atm. Try and imagine how you would view what happened if it was some other 16 year old girl, and try not to be too hard on yourself. Hope you make progress on how you view this.

@An0n0n0n Exactly. And if telling the wife what happened to her starts the healing then that is what needs to happen. It’s shit that someone else is going to get hurt in the process but that hurt is nothing compared to what the OP has been living with for 20 years. They aren’t even married anymore.

He sounds vile and took advantage of you, speaking to a therapist about what happened may be a good idea.
However, your reasons for telling them are purely selfish, to release yourself of this feeling of guilt you have.

[quote RhubarbAndRoses]@An0n0n0n Exactly. And if telling the wife what happened to her starts the healing then that is what needs to happen. It’s shit that someone else is going to get hurt in the process but that hurt is nothing compared to what the OP has been living with for 20 years. They aren’t even married anymore.[/quote]
Comparing the ex and her kids' hurt to the OP's makes no sense at all. She suffered so so should they, seems to be what you're saying.

OP is approaching this from the point of thinking that she has hurt them somehow by being with this guy. So from that perspective it makes zero sense to hurt them more.

@saraclara that’s not what I’m saying at all. It will be awful for the wife and children. But don’t they also have a right to know? Normally I would say the ‘OW’ has no right to appease her guilt by telling the wife. This is different though. It is so much more than an affair. From the OP is does seem like she just wants to tell them to ease her guilt but I can assure you it is so much more than that, she just can’t see it yet. But it will come. As I said before, I have witnessed this first hand. I have witnessed the fall out once the victim realised it wasn’t love and it was actually grooming. It took a very long time for said victim to get to that point but when it happened it was devastating.

You were 16! That would be illegal in many countries. You are not responsible for any of this and you are not responsible for his wife’s feelings or hurting her. He is responsible for that. Do whatever you have to and tell whoever you have to to provide closure for yourself. Put yourself first, I think you were exploited.

I had a serious boyfriend (my first aged 15 ) for about a Year and we had just broken up when he started waiting outside my house, turning up at the bus stop in his flash car to pick me up whilst I was waiting for the school bus (cringe) - looking back I was a mess and a teenager just had her heart broken . So yes a lamb to the slaughter and he did take advantage

He absolutely groomed you and this was definitely predatory and abusive - probably not in a legal sense as he obviously waited till you were 16 for his own protection, but 100% in a moral sense.

You are the victim here, and you need support. If counselling/therapy isn’t an option financially or feels too daunting initially, you could as a first step call the Rape Crisis helpline - they are there for women and girls who have experienced all sorts of sexual violence and abuse and they will understand and confirm for you that this was indeed grooming/abuse.

It is very painful to realise you were preyed upon, which is maybe why you have been focusing on your supposed guilt instead, but it will be far better in the long run for you to come to terms with and make sense of what really happened, instead of carrying round this burden of guilt that doesn’t belong to you at all.

It won’t make you or her feel better. It might make her feel worse. Why would you do that? Don’t you think you did enough at the time? Get some therapy if you feel bad, pointless further upsetting his ex/dc.