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Original poster

Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

217 replies

SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 04:52

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

OP posts:
pictish · 21/02/2021 06:54

You say you know what you were doing...but you were a kid at 16 and as a grown man at the time he took advantage of your vulnerability, eagerness and lack of experience to suit himself. A decent man wouldn’t have.

I wouldn’t line yourself up for a big confession. You need to put this firmly where it belongs...in the past.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2021 06:58

You didn’t have an affair with a married man, you were groomed by a married man-
16 and he knew you all your life....

GobbieMaggie · 21/02/2021 06:58

I would let sleeping dogs lie.

20viona · 21/02/2021 07:01

Do not tell her. Get some therapy.

FloreanFortescue · 21/02/2021 07:04

Agreed with lots of PP. He took advantage of a young girl.

AnitaB888 · 21/02/2021 07:05

OP, Another vote for letting 'sleeping dogs lie' but please access some counselling/therapy for yourself.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Flowers
Ameliablue · 21/02/2021 07:08

Don't say anything unless she specifically brings up the subject and asks outright, then be truthful.
Meantime, perhaps consider some counselling to help you come to terms with what happened.

oakleaffy · 21/02/2021 07:26

Don't tell...

It would be only for your benefit, not his unfortunate Wife and children's benefit.

Once you have said it...there is no unsaying.

oakleaffy · 21/02/2021 07:33

@SlothMumma

At 16 I thought I knew it all, too.

The arrogance of youth.

Don't be so hard on that young kid you were.

He was older and a creep.

VettiyaIruken · 21/02/2021 07:35

He knew you all your life and he waited until you were 'legal' . Although he probably began laying the groundwork long before that.

Creepy Bastard.

You were less his affair partner and more his victim.

Many years ago my job was working with vulnerable young women and my god the amount of grown men (30s and 40s) who sniffed around these girls was sickening.
I for one don't see you as the 'OW'. I see you as someone who, as a child, was targeted and manipulated by a predator.

LizzieSiddal · 21/02/2021 07:37

Another saying you were very young and what happened was not not faultFlowers the fact you are still thinking so much about it may mean you should go and get some therapy. Just to be-able to chat to someone about the whole thing will help you. Also you can chat to them about why you want to tell the wife and the counsellor can guide you through all that so you come to some conclusion.

FrickinA · 21/02/2021 07:38

You need to get some counselling to help you deal with this. At that age you were not an equal participant, you were groomed however hard it is to hear that. That’s the part you’ll need the most help with.

sleepyhead1980 · 21/02/2021 07:41

You have nothing to feel guilty about, like others have said you were a child/victim. Since they are split up I wouldn't bother telling the wife but if anything happened before 16 I would be telling the police.

Labobo · 21/02/2021 07:43

Don't go out of your way to tell her. If she ever asks, and you feel able to tell her, do. But explain you were almost a child at the time. If she has half a brain cell, she'll know who is to blame for her husband's infidelity with a sixteen year old he had known all his life.

SecretSpAD · 21/02/2021 07:44

You were groomed. You were a child. He is a disgusting excuse for a human being. I'd also judge a woman who sat back and knew her husband was abusing a young girl and didn't do anything.

I bet he blamed you didn't he? Said he couldn't help himself?

Beline4u · 21/02/2021 07:44

@BastardGoDarkly Absolutely agree with this! He was the adult and knew exactly what he was doing. He preyed on your nativity, you were only 16!

Please seek therapy! Your guilt will not disappear once telling the wife. It will only bring up more emotions attached to that stage in your life.

Iwonder08 · 21/02/2021 07:53

Don't use the wife and kids to ease whatever guilt you are experiencing. You should seek therapy

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 21/02/2021 07:56

Please don't, nothing good can come from this, you want to ease how guilty you feel which is a bit selfish and not fair on the ex wife!

Therapy is definitely a good idea.

B33Fr33 · 21/02/2021 08:05

Get yourself the support to move past this and reflect on your sense of guilt, responsibility etc. As you say 16 is very young and you were not in an equitable relationship. Keep your distance from this family until you've had chance to put aside your guilt that seems to be dominating everything.

Xerochrysum · 21/02/2021 08:10

You were a child then, it wasn't your fault. You are an adult now, it will be your fault if you cause pain to others. Why now after 20 years?

I do agree with others, you need some therapy. This thinking isn't healthy.

VintageStitchers · 21/02/2021 08:11

He was a vile human for taking advantage of your immaturity and grooming you just to have sex with you.

You need therapy to enable you to let go of your unnecessary feelings of guilt, you were just a child yourself despite feeling grown up.

Most teens do daft things as that’s part of growing up and navigating life at that stage. I’d hate to think they spend the rest of their lives suffering because of it.

Nameandgamechange123 · 21/02/2021 08:17

What???? Why should you be guilty? You were a CHILD. I'm afraid to say it but it sounds like you were groomed.

Standrewsschool · 21/02/2021 08:25

It was twenty years ago. Leave the past where it belongs, ie in the past, but I agree with counselling so you can move on.

Does your dh know about the situation?

BrutusMcDogface · 21/02/2021 08:28

You poor thing Sad

Please stop blaming yourself and let go of the guilt. You were a child, he was double your age, and had known you all your life. You were taken advantage of.

Don’t say a word to the wife.
Flowers

Ileflottante · 21/02/2021 08:32

You’re not the villain here. The man that potentially groomed you and cheated on his wife and children, he’s the villain.

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