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Original poster

Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

217 replies

SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 04:52

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

OP posts:
Embroideredstars · 21/02/2021 09:19

Agree with everyone, don't tell her unless asked a direct question. You wont feel better it will make your life worse not better. How will it make her or her children feel?

The blame is not yours, no need to take ownership of it. He and he alone is at fault...

SpiderinaWingMirror · 21/02/2021 09:23

Option 3.
Have counselling and move on with your life.
Poor woman was married to a man who shagged 16 year olds. She has no need to be reminded of it 20 years later. His kids will have no idea and really who would want to know that about their Dad?

QuothTheSlothNevermore · 21/02/2021 09:23

If you were a fully grown adult I still wouldn't put any blame on you, I personally believe it's the person who's cheating (the one in the relationship) who has the responsibility not to cheat. Everyone has times when they could for one reason or another, but the vast majority choose not to.

That you were a child just makes this all the more devastating, and him very much the predator. Please get some therapy, it's not you that did anything wrong.

If she was still with him, I'd say tell her, but she's another innocent party in this so I wouldn't personally put her through it.

Hailtomyteeth · 21/02/2021 09:27

So. Here am I, a woman of advanced years, a woman who has been cheated on and has also cheated. I am telling you this.

You don't need to tell his wife or family.
Forgive yourself.
Get counselling to deal with what happened to you and what you've had to live with since.
At sixteen, you weren't old enough to take responsibility for that relationship. He took advantage of you. It was he who was in the wrong.
I can't emphasise enough that it wasn't your fault and you need therapy to be at peace.
If you're angry and want to tell her for revenge on him, well, anyone would understand that. But it might not be to your advantage. Get some counselling first, then reassess.
You've carried this burden for a long time, and it was never yours to carry.

52andblue · 21/02/2021 09:29

@Wheresmyfuckingphone

There's a word for adults who have sex with children, and another for those who of it having known that child for all of their life. Get some therapy for yourself to alleviate the guilt.
THIS!! You were a child. He was double your age. It was abusive (even if you thought it was ok then and felt you 'knew what you were doing')

Don't tell her because you still feel guilty. Get some good therapy and you will see you part in this more clearly. Telling her will achieve nothing but hurt anyway. It is 20 years ago. You can't 'make it better' and it is not your job to do so. The only one who could apologise, to both you and his ex wife, in this situation is him and I doubt he will.

Beautiful3 · 21/02/2021 09:29

So he was 16 when you were born?! Whrn you were 16, he was 32?! He groomed you, you were an actual child. How would you feel if you had a 16 year old daughter who was pursued by a married 32 year old man? Would you think ill of the girl or of the man?! I would automatically blame the adult, the man.

Please stop blaming yourself. Perhaps you need counselling? Do not tell them it will not make you feel better, at all. They probably either don't know, or knew that he had numerous affairs and that you were just one of them. I wish you all the best with your self healing. Please forgive yourself.

52andblue · 21/02/2021 09:30

I should have read the the end of the thread.
@Hailtomyteeth said what I wanted to say, but much more eloquently!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 21/02/2021 09:31

what do you expect it to achieve?
As others have suggested, think about therapy to help sort out your feelings about this, but don't bring his wife and children into it

Nicolanomore24 · 21/02/2021 09:32

You were groomed and abused by an older man. You should not feel guilty.

FishWithoutABike · 21/02/2021 09:32

Are you sure that our ‘guilt’ isn’t misplaced emotion about an inappropriate/abusive situation. You were just turned 16. Do you know any 16 year olds? It’s disgusting that an adult would want to have sex with anyone that young.

Sproutpie · 21/02/2021 09:32

Abuse victims are made to feel guilty by their abusers. That’s their tactic. If you were to tell her she may call the police and report him for child abuse. Someone should in my opinion. However you need to look after you. Get some help for yourself. You did nothing wrong. It’s probably come as a shock to realise you were groomed and abused, but from what you’ve said that’s exactly what happened.

Muskox · 21/02/2021 09:34

This is very sad to read, OP. You were a child and he took advantage of you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you can find peace.

LAMPS1 · 21/02/2021 09:34

As I see it, you were as much the victim in this scenario as his wife and children. You have suffered from it all this time. Please learn to accept that it’s time to let your guilt go...it was a childhood mistake. I can’t believe anybody would say otherwise.
Don’t make another mistake by trying to ease your guilt by off-loading it on to the wife. Find another way to help yourself if you can.

Surlyburd · 21/02/2021 09:36

Dont tell, it will just hurt her, and yourself. You must forgive yourself, you were 16.

gg12346 · 21/02/2021 09:45

Never ever tell her ! Get therapy and live with your guilt .Part of your deeds to be honest .

Mulhollandmagoo · 21/02/2021 09:47

You didn't have an affair with him, he groomed and manipulated you and you were taken advantage of! You need to access some therapy for that, you can't let this continue to impact your life now all these years on.

Don't tell his wife or children, she will be having an awful time right now if her marriage has ended, and she'll have a million and one other things on her mind, she knows he's a shit and that's likely why their marriage has ended, she doesn't need any confirmation. If you ever encounter his children in a social situation then just creat some distance, excuse yourself or sit at the other end of the table

gg12346 · 21/02/2021 09:47

Also OP you were below 18 and may be at that time you were not in a positon to look forward for the consequences .Many things happen in life which cant be told .I would suggest just dont bother yourself about it .

Viviennemary · 21/02/2021 09:57

You were the victim here. Report him to the police as you were very young and he was a married man. He sounds vile. He might have form for this.

31RooCambon · 21/02/2021 09:57

@gg12346

Never ever tell her ! Get therapy and live with your guilt .Part of your deeds to be honest .
Don't be ridiculous. She shouldn't be feeling any guilt. She was 16. Just 16.

You sound like an abusive person yourself telling her to dwell on her guilt Confused

C0RAL · 21/02/2021 09:58

If he was in a position of trust such as a teacher or social worker, then what he did was illegal.

If he was in another type of position of trust, such as a youth group leader or sports coach, then what he did was not a criminal offence, although many child protection organisations think it should be.

However most organisations will fire anyone who does this with a Young person of any age, as it’s a breach of their contract even if not an offence.

Interesting article here
www.emmottsnell.co.uk/blog/sexual-consent-and-positions-of-trust

WeAllHaveWings · 21/02/2021 09:58

Don't go out of your way tell her. If she asks you directly don't lie.

nancywhitehead · 21/02/2021 10:00

Tbh, the fact that you were so young actually IS an excuse. Doesn't matter if you knew what you were doing. You were 16.

I know you feel guilty anyway but please try and give yourself a break. You were groomed, no matter how mature or self-aware you thought you were, you were 16 years old and he was double your age - that's not normal and it's not OK.

Honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about, whereas he has a lot! Please look into some therapy as other posters have said, you need to work through this with someone who can listen and help you.

Helendee · 21/02/2021 10:02

@Viviennemary

The OP was at the age of consent, what would be the point of reporting the guy to the police?
Morally reprehensible behaviour but not illegal.

QueenoftheAir · 21/02/2021 10:05

The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go

You telling her will be an extraordinarily selfish act: you'll off-load your guilt onto her. You'd be doing it to make yourself feel better. Totally unthinking towards the wife.

However - you were 16. Cut yourself some slack. The husband was most culpable there. You were exploited.

But be a grown up now.

You are in your mid-30s. You can take control of how you feel and you can control with whom you mix. Ensure that you don't get close to this woman.

And don't tell her. That would compound your past bad behaviour.

CornishTiger · 21/02/2021 10:06

@Viviennemary

You were the victim here. Report him to the police as you were very young and he was a married man. He sounds vile. He might have form for this.
That’s not really great advice. When you report to police the next steps very much can become out of your control. You could go via a sexual assault referral centre helpline who deal with historical abuse and have an Independent sexual violence adviser appointed to do an options meeting.

However I don’t think you are at that stage of recognising it was abuse quite yet. That’s fine. OP look up the support for sexual abuse victims in your area. You can then explore confronting the past and any disclosures you make.

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