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Original poster

Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

217 replies

SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 04:52

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

OP posts:
Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 21/02/2021 08:34

You seem to think that they separated because of you but this isn't necessarily the case.
He might have had a string of affairs, he might have been unpleasant and abusive to her, there might be many reasons why their marriage failed, you may not have been the main catalyst for their divorce.
I'm separated from my husband and my life is much happier now; it might have been an unhappy situation that she escaped.

Tal45 · 21/02/2021 08:36

Don't tell her unless she asks you outright, she's may have no idea about you specifically as there might have been many others. It's good that she saw the sense to leave him whatever the reason because he is a disgusting human being. When you see her remember that you were a victim as much as her x

31RooCambon · 21/02/2021 08:39

SEconding ''you were a child manipulated for his gratification''.

He is a scumbag. Give them all a wide swerve.

OscarWildesCat · 21/02/2021 08:40

I understand why you want to rid yourself of this but as PP said, it will possibly relieve you of some guilt but it could devastate her therefore it is a selfish action on your part. I also agree he was very, very wrong in having any kind of relationship with a child, you need to get some help on this.

BlueSuffragette · 21/02/2021 08:45

Don't tell her. Get therapy. It sound like you were groomed and taken advantage of.

Twistered · 21/02/2021 08:46

No don't tell her. It honestly will do no good.

Normally with affairs I would be harsh in my thinking about the OW but in your case I'm definately not.

You were 16.
16 just about legal and I think this older man took advantage of your innocence and naviety.

TolkiensFallow · 21/02/2021 08:47

Jesus. He was the adult. You were not to blame.

CutePixie · 21/02/2021 08:48

@SlothMumma you were a child. A girl still in secondary school. PP have said things like “you just made a mistake as a kid” or “don’t burden the wife with your guilt.”

Erm you were a CHILD. He GROOMED you. Groomers tell their teen play thing that they are “mature for their age.” How old was he at the time? How did you meet?

user141635812632 · 21/02/2021 08:50

You were groomed and abused. It wasn't a relationship.

B3ttyBoop · 21/02/2021 08:51

Agree with others, it serves no purpose to tell his ex. Short term, it may make you feel less guilty but I suspect the fall out will be much more costly to you, your family, his ex wife and their children.

As others have said, you were 16yrs old, he was married. Did he spend alot of time flattering you? There was alot of this about when i was growing up. At 16 you could easily be flattered by an older man's attention. Someone much older knows this and is just using this as a device to get sex and attention and possibly a power trip.

DontFuckItUp · 21/02/2021 08:55

Don't tell her.
Even if she knew / suspected he was cheating on her, it's going to devastate her all over again knowing he was a abuser and pervert as well as a scumbag.

Do get therapy though, this is in no way your fault and I'm sorry you have all this guilt Thanks

Greenmarmalade · 21/02/2021 08:56

Awful, awful man.

This was not your fault.

peak2021 · 21/02/2021 08:58

You should not be embarrassed by being the victim of a nasty thirty something man over 20 years later. It is unfortunate that what he did was and still would be legal, as a criminal record and not letting him work with children (if ever he does) would be appropriate for such a man, married or not at the time.

ittakes2 · 21/02/2021 08:58

I wouldn't judge someone for what they did at 16.
But for this woman's sake you need to let this go - you want to tell her for your sake - read your OP back about you wanting to get this out of your system.
When my boyfriend and I broke up I was sure he had been cheating but he basically made me feel like I was losing my mind. It took me a while to get over it but I did and moved on with a new boyfriend. My ex's best friend rang me at work a full year after the spilt to tell me he knew I was being cheated on and even during the call he was telling me how much better HE felt coming clean to me. So of course having this news of confirming my suspicions sent me into a head spin of reviewing what had happened in that past relationship etc so I could get to be at peace with it once again.
You are not 16 anymore, use your adult brain and make a sensible decision that this event is in the past for this woman - put it in the past for yourself too. I am guessing your children are not 16 yet. When they are you will realise that they are children in adults bodies. It was not you at 16 that made the mistake but a 32 year old married man who preyed on your vulnerabilty. You should be directing your anger to him not yourself.

AuntieStella · 21/02/2021 09:01

20 years ago.

Leave it.

And I'm usually hard line 'people should be told so they can make their life choices in light of the truth'

But she's made a whole heap of choices that have removed that awful man from her life. You don't need take either yourself or her back to that time.

Pay heed to the posts which are laying out how awful his actions were - 16 may have been legal, but you were seduced by someone twice your age. It's outside what is considered criminally wrong, but that doesn't make it right. It's cast a long shadow on your life - how could you set about ridding yourself of it?

shas19 · 21/02/2021 09:02

Hes a peadophile

CutePixie · 21/02/2021 09:04

Okay just re-read. You had only JUST turned 16 and he was 32. Did he know you before you were 16? How long had he known you? I would actually tell the ex wife because you don’t deserve to be embarrassed whenever you come in contact with her (as your social circles mix).

You are not guilty. You were a child still studying for her GCSEs. You might not even be the only child he has groomed. Have you spoken about this to your DH? What does he think? Also get therapy.

Somethingkindaoooo · 21/02/2021 09:05

OP
Many adults in your life had to have let you down for that to have happened, and for you to still feel guilty.

What was your home life like? Maybe THAT is what needs healing?

Stop sending hate at that poor 16 year old that you were- she's been through enough.

SionnachGlic · 21/02/2021 09:06

Don't tell her...it can only add hurt for her & their kids to discover all this happened so long ago. Your unburdening of yourself to them will not benefit them. Plus you may think forgiveness & acceptance will come from the receiving end. You could be very wrong it could be anger & accusations..... it could draw in your now happy family...stuff you've not had to deal with so far & may be not equipped for. If you desperately need to unburden, find a therapist or counsellor to listen & help you through it. If you are that very worried about face to face meeting, just steer clear if you know his family are around (not in an obvs suspicion arousing way)...it's what, 20 years since you had contact.....so you aren't best mates & don't need to start being that now...

And at 16...you were a kid...you know that now looking back no matter how grown up & sophisticated you may have felt at the time. Be kinder & more forgiving to younger self.

glassshoes · 21/02/2021 09:07

I agree with others that it sounds like you were in a grooming type relationship with a much older man. I don't think the guilt you feel is fair on you. However I don't think it is fair equally to tell the exwife, unless she asks you. It will bring turmoil to her and the children. It also sounds like this wouldn't actually be helpful to you in terms of how you feel. I agree that counselling is the way forward here. Be kind to yourself OP.

Livelovebehappy · 21/02/2021 09:08

You would be doing this for you, and not looking at the consequences for the person you’re offloading to. She’s split from him and is probably coping still with the aftermath of that, and trying to move on, and then you’re going to throw something else at her? If you’re struggling, then get therapy, but don’t offload onto his ex.

CornishTiger · 21/02/2021 09:11

You were a child. You were groomed. He was a predator. He knew what he was doing.

The guilt and shame you feel about the affair is misplaced. You need to see it as stated above.

Some really good counselling for sexual abuse will help even if you don’t see yourself as the victim right now.

EmptyOrchestra · 21/02/2021 09:13

You’re now a similar age to the age he was at the time. Would you have sex with a 16 year old boy? I’m a similar age to you and the thought of it turns my stomach.

This man was disgusting and took advantage of you.

Absolutely don’t tell his wife, get some therapy instead to learn to process what happened. I’m sure you were not the only one - he is a predator.

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C0RAL · 21/02/2021 09:17

@custardbear

Don't let this eat you up. You were a child, he, a married adult with far more knowledge of right and wrong, what he did was wrong. You were a child See professional therapy and don't approach the ex wife Good luck, and forgive your child self, you were placed into a situation, you didn't cause this
This.

Please please PLEASE get some counselling. You were a victim of exploitation and abuse by someone I assume was a family friend.

Your guilt is misplaced and you need professional help to deal with this.