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Original poster

Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

217 replies

SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 04:52

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 21/02/2021 14:39

Telling her to assuage your guilt is a bad idea. It will only hurt her and her kids.

You need to deal with what happened, don’t look to ease your pain by inflicting it on someone who was not at fault. That won’t make you feel any better.

LuaDipa · 21/02/2021 14:54

Please let go of the guilt, none of this is your fault. The shame belongs to this disgusting, manipulative man and I hope he feels it every day. He took advantage of a vulnerable child and there is no defence for that. Please try to get some counselling or do whatever you need to do to get past this. It isn’t your fault.

perfectstorm · 21/02/2021 14:56

This is why we need the age of consent laws to mandate that until someone is 19, any partner must be within 3 years of their own age.

This man is a child abuser and a predator. I am so very sorry you have lived with what he did, and I would absolutely seek counselling and support. You are worth it and you deserve it. And there is nothing you need to forgive yourself for! You were a schoolgirl, and he was a father and a husband who took horrible advantage of your vulnerability.

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 15:00

@Cherrysoup I don’t mean to come across as obtuse. I just feel very strongly about this because it happened to someone I love dearly. It took 15 years for her to speak out. When she did she was shamed into keeping it quiet. He was never confronted. He went on to marry someone 20 years younger than him. Became the local hero of his neighbourhood. Everyone loved and respected him. He died last year and he died a saint in everyone’s eyes. My loved one now has BPD. Has tried to commit suicide 3 times. The widowed wife posts on social media everyday about her wonderful husband and the amazing legacy he left behind. She has sworn to never remarry because no one could ever come close to him and how much she loved him. All the while my little sister is a broken shell of a human being because a 40 year old man groomed her when she was 15. It went on for two years. She doesn’t know how to be a whole person anymore. She regrets not telling his wife everyday of her life. And now she won’t because he is dead and there really is no point now. There will never be any retribution for his actions. So no, I’m not being obtuse. I’m getting worked up because I know what staying silent does to a person.

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2021 15:11

@RhubarbAndRoses I’m so sorry for your loved one. There is no way he should have been silenced. It must be sickening to see the wife raving about her oh so wonderful husband, sick making.

Re the OP, equally, no, she shouldn’t remain silent, I just couldn’t see the point of telling his ex. 🤷‍♀️

JosephineBaker · 21/02/2021 15:12

I think you really need to seek counselling, @SlothMumma. Your guilt is a misplaced emotion; you were a groomed teenager, and have nothing to blame yourself for. When you’ve had some support, you will hopefully find yourself free from that destructive emotion.

However, all the furies of hell can be directed at that predatory shitheel who preyed on you while betrayal his wife and children.

I wouldn’t bring it up, and I really don’t think it’s likely.
Honestly, if it did crop up you can answer truthfully that yes, her near-paedophile ex did groom you into a relationship. And how lucky you both are to be free of him now!

Be kind to yourself. You weren’t the rotter.

DaphneDuBois · 21/02/2021 15:25

I truly and honestly feel that you should forgive yourself for this. You’ve punished yourself more than enough. You were 16, he was twice your age and you were single, he was married. You aren’t the same person now and you fully understand why you won’t do it again. His wife got rid of him anyway, suggesting there were all kinds of issues in the years after you were with him. I actually think if she knew she’d still be far more disgusted with him than she ever would with you - you were only 16! Don’t tell her - what would it change when she’s already decided she doesn’t want to be his wife? Just forgive yourself.

AlrightTreacle · 21/02/2021 15:30

He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable.

Sounds like he groomed you, I wouldn't say anything to his ex or children, and would try to forgive yourself, you've no reason to feel guilty; you were a child.

Nancydrawn · 21/02/2021 15:59

@Cherrysoup Nope, that was me calling you inhumane! Anyone telling a child who was taken advantage of by (at best) a sleazebag adult that she had "done enough at the time" is making a vicious, misplaced, and cruel comment. Hence, inhumane.

OP, I don't mean to derail this at all. I'm just furious that anyone would seek to try to make you feel more guilty about something that isn't your fault and that you should be supported through, rather than criticized for.

As I said before, it's usually easier to extend forgiveness to others rather than ourselves. I hope you can give your 16-year-old self the same forgiveness that you would, say, a daughter. And please also give yourself credit for maturing into the person who broke this off (even though you were just 18 and he was 34). It wouldn't have been your fault if you didn't, but it's extraordinary that you did.

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 16:01

@Cherrysoup Thank you 💐 I’m just so tired of men like this getting away with it.

rosiejaune · 21/02/2021 16:08

Yes OK you want to tell her because it would somewhat alleviate your guilt. But that doesn't automatically mean it's a bad thing for the other person to hear it.

My ex might have cheated on me, and I'd still like to know for sure (though it was many years ago and I don't care about him any longer), so I'd want the other person to tell me.

I doubt she'd be upset by you in that situation, when he clearly took advantage of his social power over you. And it would just reinforce her reasons for leaving.

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/02/2021 17:16

I would tell whoever you need to OP. I would tell his wife. A voice gives you power. It shifts the burden from you to him and his family. These kinds of things are never ‘over’ for the victim. I would be telling everyone so they know what he did.

saraclara · 21/02/2021 17:38

@Cookiecrumblepie

I would tell whoever you need to OP. I would tell his wife. A voice gives you power. It shifts the burden from you to him and his family. These kinds of things are never ‘over’ for the victim. I would be telling everyone so they know what he did.
Why should his ex and (especially) his kids have the burden as well?

I honestly think the OP will feel worse if she does that, because she'll know that in telling them, she's responsible for their hurt. If you read her OP, her guilt is about what she considers she's 'done wrong' by THEM. Not by this guy. If that's how she feels, then adding to their burden isn't going to help her one bit.

IDKNABYBIF22 · 21/02/2021 18:06

@SlothMummaCherrysoup

*@RhubarbAndRoses wow and I’m the inhumane one? Of the people who know, I guarantee a minimum of 80% will be a bit jealous of the bloke (men) and women will think worse of the OP, that’s just the way society is, very sadly.

You must know some odd people if the majority of them would be jealous or judge what is essentially a man grooming and taking advantage of a vulnerable teenage child who he has watched grow up. Most of the people I know would think he was a disgusting predator.

Something similar happened where I live: a married man in his 30s had a relationship with his friends daughter when she was 15/16. The guy ended up being sentenced to 18 months in prison and had to move away and change his name when he was released. Has no contact with his kids. Everyone around here thinks he's disgusting.

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/02/2021 18:22

@saraclara what I mean is OP should do whatever she needs to heal. She shouldn’t be concerned about the wife and children, the husband is responsible for them and for what he did. Why does OP have to ponder and consider all of this stuff?! She was a child, groomed and exploited by a disgusting old man.

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/02/2021 18:24

The crux here is that the OP cannot add to any burden or be responsible for hurt. She was 16! It’s not her responsibility.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2021 18:42

The OP should not tell whoever she feels she needs to.

The huge risk of telling the wife and family is that they would lash out at her and add to the misery she is already feeling.

She should tell someone who will be able to help her move forward, shed the guilt that is clouding her life, and understand properly what was done to her. That means a therapist. A Rape Crisis Centre would be able to help her find someone qualified and experienced.

Spodge · 21/02/2021 18:58

You were a child and his behaviour was despicable. If you need to unburden yourself then seek therapy. In my opinion nothing will be gained by telling his ex and his children.

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/02/2021 19:45

@mathanxiety I respectfully disagree. I would consider this man to be a predator. What if he has done this to others? What if he’s doing it again? What if telling the wife helps another victim? How can you be sure telling will yield a negative result?

I think OP should so what she feels she needs to. And there is nothing wrong with telling the truth.

SushiYum · 21/02/2021 20:52

@Cherrysoup

It won’t make you or her feel better. It might make her feel worse. Why would you do that? Don’t you think you did enough at the time? Get some therapy if you feel bad, pointless further upsetting his ex/dc.
You are disgusting. Did you read OP’s updated? This paedo knew OP since she was a little girl. One day, when she was 15 and upset, he started grooming her. And yet you are telling OP to keep quiet about the abuse. You ask “don’t you think you did enough at the time,” as though she was a grown woman embarking on an affair. The paedo abused his position of trust, his close links with her family, to abuse her. And he’s got away with it. If OP feels strong enough then I think she should report this and see a therapist for the trauma.
justilou1 · 21/02/2021 21:30

Tbh @SlothMumma you should consider doing a Sarah’s Law check on this man for your peace of mind. What if you find out that you were one of many and you could help others?

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 22:06

This thread has really stuck with me all day. Mostly because of the people who have commented on it. I am disgusted at how the OP has basically been told to keep it to herself and move on by the majority of posters. @justilou1 that is not a bad shout actually! Sadly, most abusers go undetected because the victims are shamed into keeping quiet. If the check comes back clean it wouldn’t mean he was innocent but it would still be good to check anyway. I think the ex wife needs to know. What if they have a daughter? What about her friends?

Child grooming is befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child's inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse This man knew OP since she was a small child. This sends shivers down my spine. His actions were calculated and evil.

Tell his ex wife OP. You have every right to.

sleepyhead1980 · 21/02/2021 22:09

@RhubarbAndRoses

This thread has really stuck with me all day. Mostly because of the people who have commented on it. I am disgusted at how the OP has basically been told to keep it to herself and move on by the majority of posters. *@justilou1* that is not a bad shout actually! Sadly, most abusers go undetected because the victims are shamed into keeping quiet. If the check comes back clean it wouldn’t mean he was innocent but it would still be good to check anyway. I think the ex wife needs to know. What if they have a daughter? What about her friends?

Child grooming is befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child's inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse This man knew OP since she was a small child. This sends shivers down my spine. His actions were calculated and evil.

Tell his ex wife OP. You have every right to.

This is actually a really good point and has swayed me from thinking you shouldn't say anything to yes you should
Emeraldshamrock · 21/02/2021 22:13

Eww this is not your fault.
If I heard my OH was intimate with a 16y.o I'd pity her and punch him.
See yourself as a 16 y.o again? You may have thought about it as a real relationship he took advantage. Flowers

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 21/02/2021 22:19

@RhubarbAndRoses totally agree - this thread is really concerning.