Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

[SlothMumma]

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

That’s awful behaviour on his part. Honestly you’re not terrible at all. This is just sad for you. Can you talk to someone about it?

@shas19

The guy wasn’t a paedophile though was he!
The OP was sixteen, not a pre-pubescent child. There is a huge difference between the two.
I think we all agree that the man in question is a bag of slime but from the information given he is not a paedophile.

He took advantage of you, you were still a child at 16. Don’t let this eat you up, get therapy if necessary. It was 20 years ago and they’re no longer married so no, I wouldn’t be telling her because there’s no point.

Cornishtiger that is better advice. I think OP should do that.

Leave it. You and she are the victims here.

She's moved on from the hurt of the marriage as have her DCs. Reopening an old wound to assuage your unnecessary guilt helps no one. Talk it through with a therapist or your DH, but please do not upset her hard won peace of mind.

At 16, you were very impressionable and I'm guessing he seemed like a good catch at the time. Perhaps he was very seductive.
As the younger party in this, I don't think anyone would blame you and now everyone has moved on I would just hold your head up high and carry on.
If it comes up (which I doubt it would) then you could admit it if you wanted to, or deny it if you choose to. You have to consider what's best for your relationship and life now.

If you feel like you should drag up the past because it bothers you, then maybe you need to talk to someone to help you lay it to rest and move on yourself. You were very young and it's understandable that this man had a great affect on you.

@QueenoftheAir

The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go

You telling her will be an extraordinarily selfish act: you'll off-load your guilt onto her. You'd be doing it to make yourself feel better. Totally unthinking towards the wife.

However - you were 16. Cut yourself some slack. The husband was most culpable there. You were exploited.

But be a grown up now.

You are in your mid-30s. You can take control of how you feel and you can control with whom you mix. Ensure that you don't get close to this woman.

And don't tell her. That would compound your past bad behaviour.

This is a confusing message. You say she was exploited but then also say she had past "bad behaviour" and would be being "selfish" to speak up?

OP is either a victim or she isn't. I think she is.

I can understand why you want to speak up OP and I don't think you could be blamed for doing so, but I think it would be difficult for both you and the wife.

It seems like you do have a very real and understandable need to speak about this though, so why not try to find some counselling? Then you can talk about it as much as you need to in a safe and confidential environment with no repercussions. Sometimes these things just need to be aired, and that's really valid, but I don't think that involving this woman will be helpful at this point.

Keep schtum op. At 16 you were basically still a child. You must learn to forgive yourself and move forward.
At twice your age the guilt is definitely all his.

I agree with everyone else here. What do you hope to achieve? You will feel even more guilty for opeing up a hurt that happened many years ago. And how do you know she won't go stirring up trouble with your husband?

The repercussions of telling her will be awful.

Going against the grain a bit here but I think you should do whatever you need to do to make it better for you. There's a lot of talk about how you/ex wife, should behave but very little about your abuser (because that's what he is.)

You may want to expose him. He may have groomed other teenage girls.

I wouldn't rush, but just go through whatever process you need to. Tell your DH maybe? He should support you through this.

There is no shame or guilt here in your part. The shame and guilt is all his (and any other adult that knew and did nothing).

[quote Helendee]@Viviennemary

The OP was at the age of consent, what would be the point of reporting the guy to the police?
Morally reprehensible behaviour but not illegal.[/quote]
She had only just turned 16 and he probably started to groom her when she was younger than that. She was in Year 11. Still in secondary school. A child. She should report this. This paedo might have harmed other children too.

Oh my goodness, I am truly grateful for the responses. I’ve read every single one of them.

I’m not sure how to reply to individuals but thank you to all of you for the feedback. It eats me up daily and especially at nights hence why this was sent at silly o’ clock in the morning.

I knew him my whole life (let’s say we were neighbours and he knew my parents on a business level)
I had a serious boyfriend (my first aged 15 ) for about a Year and we had just broken up when he started waiting outside my house, turning up at the bus stop in his flash car to pick me up whilst I was waiting for the school bus (cringe) - looking back I was a mess and a teenager just had her heart broken . So yes a lamb to the slaughter and he did take advantage .

I was flattered and felt like he treated me so well, now looking back... what a fool I was . He was just using me.

He quickly became demanding , jealous and would often call and tell me he was outside a pub or night club to drop me home. This all became too much once i became of age (18) and I just cut him off. He would call and say , you will come running back to me . You will get bored . I didn’t .

I met my now husband 6 months after cutting him off and we’ve been together ever since . He is the same age as me , he knows everything and he advised even then as my friend that his intentions were seedy but I insisted it was love! He didn’t understand . I no longer wanted to be with him but I didn’t feel the relationship was tainted . However the older I’ve become the more it’s affected me .

Seeing the babies in my family turn 16 and myself turn 32 has been an eye opener for me . For this reason I have realised I really would not want this to come out at all for his children and or his ex wife, I know that if it did it would not only be obvious he had betrayed them all so badly but the severity of the age difference the grooming and chasing ... it would be heartbreaking for them. It’s not my intention and never will be to hurt anyone .

My home life was ... sad. Stepdad loved me but not my siblings , he didn’t really want children despite marrying my mum who had 4 children under the age of 5. Life was hard . I now have no contact with my parents their choice - they just packed up and left one day (like I said he didn’t want children) so as soon as we escaped (flew the nest) they were gone. Sad but the truth .

I am so much happier now, I have a wonderful husband, his family are really lovely. I’m close with my siblings however I’ve only ever told my husband about what happened , I haven’t shared it with my sisters . I do feel maybe as many of your have said I should get therapy or some help as I’m getting older I am realising I was a victim and it wasn’t this love story I had so convinced myself that it was . My husband has been my rock, we were out just before lockdown in a restaurant and his ex wife was at a table just across from us. I blushed and said oh Jesus she’s here . He is so great about it all.

Thank you so much for your advice. I will take heed 🙏🏻

Apologises OP I misread it that you were nearly 16. In which case a sexual offence hasn’t occurred but it was still grooming predatory behaviour.

If any indecent photos were taken when you were under 18. That would be an offence especially if he still possessed them.

Echoing the (mostly) excellent advice here.

I know it might have SEEMED like you were being really grown up and sophisticated at the time, and it seems like you are basing your feelings of guilt on that, but you were groomed by a sexual predator, who cynically waited until you had just tipped over into "it's not actually rape if she has turned 16" territory before making his move.

You are a victim of abuse and I think that you need to speak to a professional to unravel the falsehoods you have been telling yourself about this for the last 20 years and accept the truth.

Telling his ex wife is inappropriate and will achieve nothing - it's just digging in on this "fantasy" that you were responsible - that's the point of grooming. The abuser isn't chasing you down a dark lane, he's convincing you that it's YOUR great idea to have sex, even though you are still a child.

If my 30-something year old husband had sex with a just-turned-16 year old, I wouldn't be thinking "Oh that sexy minx, with her seductive ways, luring my innocent spouse into a life of depravity." - I would be getting a divorce from the sleaze that my husband had turned out to be, speaking to her parents so that they could take steps to protect her from further abuse and seeing if I could report him to the police.

You were 16, that’s way too young to be with a married man and he should have known better! This is in no way your fault, you can relieve yourself of all guilt for this right now. I will suggest that you talk to a trusted person or a therapist about how you’re feeling, does your partner know? I’m really sorry this happened to you, you don’t need to feel guilty at all.

What on Earth what your reasoning be? It comes across as spiteful and mean and something you’re only doing to make yourself feel better, not all for altruistic reasons.

Bloody hell up what a piece of shit he is. I would not mention anything to his ex wife unless she ever brings it up in which case I would tell her the truth. The truth being that he was a dirty old man who groomed an under age child for sex. Hope you are ok and can seek help to deal with this.

@user0987654

Oh wise up and put your claws back in.
The girl was 16 and his behaviour was predatory. Have a fucking heart and an ounce of sense will you fgs

You options you’ve given seem as thought the guilt is yours to hold “of pushed tell the truth”. You were a child and a married man was just getting his rocks off. No wonder his wife left if she new, I promise you you did nothing wrong. Have you spoken to your current husband about how you feel?
Maybe get some counsel as others have suggested?

You would likely be opening old wounds for her to make yourself better but I think it will just make both of you feel shitty.
If they are separated she knows what he’s like and has made the decision to leave him behind. I also think if she does know about you, I’m sure she thinks worse of her ex husband for sleeping with a 16 year old.

Sorry, I didn’t read your last post before I posted.
You talk about protecting his ex wife and kids, that’s not for you to do to save his relationship with them and public image. You are the victim. If you want to talk about you absolutely can, but not the same way if you want to move on and forget that is also your decision to make. But it would not be you upsetting his family, but his behaviour.

Good luck OP Just try to stay away from the ex-wife - you don't have to be drawn into friendships that are difficult for you and not good for your mental well-being. YOU do seem to have been stewing over this - counselling would be good.

Or take the pretty much unanimous advice on this thread - he was exploiting you. Cut yourself some slack.

Look, no-one died - the ex-wife was going to leave him inevitably - the man sounds like an utter sleaze & I'm sure she realised this. Can you exercise some mental discipline: when you start obsessing, develop a mantra so that you can consciously push those thoughts away.

You can change your mental habits like this. Hopefully it will release you from the unnecessary guilt.

You were groomed by a man twice your age. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I don’t think speaking to his wife will help her or you but you speaking to a therapist might be a good way to go.

This is a confusing message. You say she was exploited but then also say she had past "bad behaviour" and would be being "selfish" to speak up?

Even a 16 year old should know rationally that an affair with a married man is not acceptable behaviour, but the OP also can recognise now as an adult that the man was grooming and exploiting her. It's not an either/or situation.

Yes, she was a victim, but she also made a mistake. We all do; I'm sure we all have had moments in our lives where we know looking back, that we made a mistake, but at the time we were so hurt or confused or exploited, that we couldn't see or behave properly.

And "confessing all" to the ex-wife in this situation is selfish - it would be an attempt by the OP to assuage her guilt, with little regard for the ex-wife.

I don't think it would help the OP either.