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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I confess to his wife & kids ...

217 replies

SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 04:52

Very new to this but hear it goes...

I know ppl may judge; I honestly find it hard to believe the person I am now made such careless, selfish decisions years ago. I live with the guilt , shame and humiliation daily.

Had a two year relationship with a married man when I had just turned 16 - I’ve since learnt that he and his wife are now separated . His children are all grown up and are starting to filter through friends of friends of mine. Before lockdown I found myself in the same restaurant as his ex-wife, I wanted the ground to swallow me up! It has happened a few times be it in town shopping or when I’m out socially.

We have a very good mutual friend in common and I am panicking a bit that as I get older our social circles will become closer and eventually we will come face to face 😬 The guilt has eaten me alive for nearly 20 years. I know by telling her (I’m pretty sure she knows what happened tbh) is not gonna make her or me feel any better but I feel so awful and I don’t know how to let it all go.

I’m happily married with a family and have been for many years. I wish I could just forget but the guilt is so bad I do feel like I’m always trying to be the nicest person I can to repent for my past behaviour. I feel like it’s really haunted me .

It was an awful thing to do and I wish I could turn back the clock and change it all. I do realise I was so very young (not an excuse , I was fully aware of what I was doing ) just maybe naive of the implications and seriousness of it all and the hurt and pain it would have caused to his family . He was 16 years older than me and I had known him all of my life . Not quite sure how I now feel about the situation considering I was still at school , I felt so much older when I was 16, felt like an adult . Now it’s laughable .

OP posts:
RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 13:02

@Cookiecrumblepie I totally agree!

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 13:05

@Cherrysoup don’t you think you did enough at the time?

God, that’s an awful comment. She was SIXTEEN! He was a 32 year old grown man. This was abuse. No wonder victims of abuse and grooming feel too ashamed to speak up.

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2021 13:09

@RhubarbAndRoses but why would she exacerbate the situation for the poor ex? I don’t think this is about her, nor am I trying to victim blame, but speaking to his ex is a terrible idea.

longwayoff · 21/02/2021 13:18

You were a child, exploited by a man who knew exactly what he was doing. Find some therapy. It's not your fault and you have to learn to forgive the child you were. I expect his wife and children know what he is so don't add to it. See a therapist, say nothing to his family and learn to be kind to yourself. Good luck.

SugarfreeBlitz · 21/02/2021 13:23

Its not your fault.
You were 16 and vulnerable. He groomed you. With a man capable og this, I doubt if you were the first or the last! Remember, his ex is his ex for a reason!
Please, have counselling and learn to let go of this heavy burden Flowers

JellyBabiesFan · 21/02/2021 13:27

This reply has been deleted

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JellyBabiesFan · 21/02/2021 13:29

However I do agree he was a horrible man who took advantage. You should consider professional help which will be more beneficial and will not potentially hurt his former wife.

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 13:31

@Cherrysoup it’s 20 years later and the OP is still struggling with it. She obviously needs this to be out in the open to heal. Maybe the wife isn’t the right person to tell at first but it will eventually get back to her once this is exposed. Telling OP to get therapy and swallow it is such damaging advice. As I said before, abuse victims are encouraged to speak out all the time! Why is this different? Why are we all telling her to be quiet? It goes against everything that we as women should be saying to a victim of abuse. Whenever a victim is asked why they didn’t speak up it’s always the same thing, I was ashamed, I felt guilty and at fault, I was afraid that people would turn against me, I was scared that people wouldn’t believe me. It’s horrendous.

BastardGoDarkly · 21/02/2021 13:32

@JellyBabiesFan

No you should not fess up to make yourself feel better. You did this knowing he was married. Now suffer the guilt.
Charming.
aSofaNearYou · 21/02/2021 13:32

Tbh I can't help but feel you are the biggest victim in this. Groomed at 16 by a man you'd known your whole life. You need to be kind to yourself and stop blaming yourself.

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 13:33

@JellyBabiesFan No you should not fess up to make yourself feel better. You did this knowing he was married. Now suffer the guilt.

Victim shaming at its finest.

Nancydrawn · 21/02/2021 13:36

@Cherrysoup Vicious and inhumane comment.

OP, please treat yourself with the same grace and understanding that you would treat your own children. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 21/02/2021 13:39

@Wheresmyfuckingphone

There's a word for adults who have sex with children, and another for those who of it having known that child for all of their life. Get some therapy for yourself to alleviate the guilt.
I agree with this. Please don’t beat yourself up about this. Don’t tell this woman, focus on you.
Cookiecrumblepie · 21/02/2021 13:45

I honestly don’t understand why OP should consider this woman’s feelings and spare her etc. If my husband groomed and abused a child I would want to know!! Since when is telling the truth a bad thing? Why is everyone encouraging OP to keep a horrible secret? She was 16 when it happened! 16!

B3ttyBoop · 21/02/2021 13:45

I just read your last post, OP. He was a predatory, controlling creep. He'd known you and your family for a long time so he probably knew more things about your situation than you'd realise. These people pop up with their fake flattery and sob stories when you're feeling vulnerable or there are familial problems. You don't see the big picture when you're 16 and he would've been way ahead of you in terms of awareness. This was a cynical, power-tripping ego boost on his part. I hope he's bald, fat and sweaty

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2021 13:49

@RhubarbAndRoses so you think she should tell the ex wife? I don’t see the point. Potential, that causes devastation to her and the dc. Apart from therapy and talking about it openly, I don’t see what else the OP can do?

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 13:51

@Cookiecrumblepie that’s exactly what I’ve been saying too! They’re telling a victim of abuse to be quiet and move on. It’s crazy! This guy isn’t even her husband anymore, they’re divorced.

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 13:53

@Cherrysoup yes. I think she should. And hopefully the ex wife then goes on to tell others and this bastard is well and truly exposed. Why the hell should he be allowed to live his life unscathed by this when OP is still suffering 20 years later?

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2021 13:59

@RhubarbAndRoses wow and I’m the inhumane one? Of the people who know, I guarantee a minimum of 80% will be a bit jealous of the bloke (men) and women will think worse of the OP, that’s just the way society is, very sadly. 95% of people who have voted on here say the OP is unreasonable to tell the ex-wife. Again, how is this helping the OP?

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2021 14:01

@Cookiecrumblepie the OP can tell who she likes. Her question is should she tell the ex wife-that’s the sticking point for me. Why hurt the ex? Was she complicit in his abuse of a minor? Maybe, but unless that’s an absolute truth, then I don’t see the point of telling the ex. Nobody is saying keep it a secret!

Original poster
SlothMumma · 21/02/2021 14:07

For those saying I did what I did, you made you bed now lay in it... I get it. Just hope you are never in a situation like that and feel judged. I knew it was wrong and I’m deeply embarrassed that I let it go on for so long. It was me that cut him off, he was persistent and would send gifts and flowers and even sent a delivery to my home address in the middle of the night (something he told me he had done previously to an ex) I’m under no elusion now that I wasn’t the only one and or the last. Their relationship almost certainly didn’t break because of me.

I have no intended anger at his family, I have thought since I turned 32 that perhaps I should report it but haven't . I do have proof not video or photographic evidence but I don’t wish to hurt his family anymore than he has already.

To make it clear it’s not like I will voluntarily tell anyone and it’s not for revenge ; I’m embarrassed and mortified and I have no intentions of hurting anyone .

My main worry is that our paths keep coming into contact and the children are getting older and mixing with in-laws etc it is awkward . It’s not like I’m going just blurt it out but if I was confronted I’m so open and honest and a terrible liar. The guilt would be obvious for everyone to see.

I will do my best to get some counselling or therapy and keep my distance, my husband knowing also helps a great deal so we can make our excuses and depart whatever situation we may find ourselves in.

Thank you for those who have messaged privately and Publicly , it has taken many years for me to see the whole situation for what it really was and not some fluffy love story.

Sending you all much love and thanks for taking the time to write .

OP posts:
RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 14:10

@Cherrysoup I’m not the one who called you inhumane.. that was someone else. And yes, 95% of people on here have told the victim to swallow it and move on. No wonder why victims of abuse would rather not report their abusers. Wtf is the point with attitudes like this? Who knows how many other young girls he has done this to. But who cares, right? As you pointed out earlier, it was her own doing, right? The woman divorced this man. There was obviously a reason for that. It’s not like she’d be breaking up a happy family. They are not together anymore!

shhsecretsquirrel · 21/02/2021 14:12

I don't think it's guilt eating you up. You don't need to feel guilty.

RhubarbAndRoses · 21/02/2021 14:12

@SlothMumma you do whatever you need to do to heal. I really hope you somehow manage to find peace 💐

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2021 14:18

@RhubarbAndRoses

I think you are being obtuse now. (I’m aware it wasn’t you that called me inhumane) Yes, the wife divorced him, but who knows why? If it was for related reasons, do you think people will listen to her repeating what happened to the OP and be sympathetic or will they dismiss the ex as being bitter (sadly common even on here) What if the ex divorced him for totally unrelated reasons? Is there a point to making her hear about something that she didn’t know about/encourage?

Even though they aren’t together anymore, what impact do you envisage knowing this will have on the ex? Again, I’m not seeing the point.

No, the OP shouldn’t keep schtumm, but telling the ex is not going to help her or the ex, IMO.