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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
Cloglover · 22/02/2021 17:55

I think you've definitely made the right decision. You'd be opening a pandora's box. Best to leave the past in the past. It sounds like the friend of a friend needs professional help to help her to move on. I feel it was unfair of her to ask. X

lightyearsahead · 22/02/2021 17:57

I am fairly obliging but I would also say no for the reasons given.
You did the right thing.

SunshineCake · 22/02/2021 18:00

What you should do is nothing. Wait for Alison to ask you herself and then say no and ask what possessed her to think you want to then live with her bad memories.

BronwenFrideswide · 22/02/2021 18:03

So unkind Grin. You should have given her your bed, your dinner, paid her instead of the other way round, left her alone in the house for a few hours to sit and reflect, I mean, what would MNers do? 😂😂😂

Tsk, Tsk rawalGrin.

slippermum · 22/02/2021 18:08

You did the right thing, "bad memories in the house that she needs to put right", out of order telling you that about your new house.

Localocal · 22/02/2021 18:13

I would let her - it sounds like something that feels important to her and why not do something small that might really help someone else. But I would ask her not to talk to you about whatever she needs to lay to rest there, out of respect for the fact that it's your house now and you are trying to make your own (good) memories there. Retreat to the garden to give her privacy and let her do her thing, I say. But not if it means leaving her skeletons in your closet.

Confusedandshaken · 22/02/2021 18:15

You absolutely have the right to say no to this and I admire you for sticking to your boundaries. That being said I think you are being selfish here. You had the chance to help someone who was once a friend at no practical cost or inconvenience to yourself and you said no. Like I said, that's absolutely your right but it seems unkind.

Yellow78 · 22/02/2021 18:16

You are not overthinking,

I wouldn’t be happy with this and would say no

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 18:22

@Confusedandshaken

You absolutely have the right to say no to this and I admire you for sticking to your boundaries. That being said I think you are being selfish here. You had the chance to help someone who was once a friend at no practical cost or inconvenience to yourself and you said no. Like I said, that's absolutely your right but it seems unkind.
She was never a friend! She's Nicola's friend the OP hasn't even seen in 10 years. How fucking kind is it to have your mate ring up a new homeowner, tell her that her home is the site of terrible memories for yourself and you'd like to travel 2.5 hours to her new home to use it for your own purposes? Wouldn't the kind thing to do would be to wish her well in her new home and see your therapist about your personal bloody feelings about it?
Lostinthemail · 22/02/2021 18:27

There’s no way I would allow that. Certainly not if there are bad memories. To her it’s a house, to you it’s your home. I wouldn’t want that tainted.

I wouldn’t care about being considered unkind or not nice to people, I would only care about being fair and even the people who disagree with your decision say you have the right to refuse.

Tombero · 22/02/2021 18:27

There are so many threads urging people to have healthy boundaries. Now when someone does it’s the other way round for some posters.

Good for you OP.

Aria999 · 22/02/2021 18:29

Maybe actually she hid a priceless heirloom under the floorboards and wants it back...

SoulofanAggron · 22/02/2021 18:29

I would. It wouldn't do you any harm.

But of course it's your choice.

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 22/02/2021 18:33

I wouldn't agree, she said bad memories, chances are she'll want to talk about it and you'll be left in a house where she may have pointed out where something happened or her bad feelings when she lived there. I know some will agree with me and some won't but I'm very sensitive to things like that and I feel she'd spoil the safe, warm feeling I'd have about the new house I'd moved in to.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 18:33

@SoulofanAggron

I would. It wouldn't do you any harm.

But of course it's your choice.

She already said it would do her harm, it would make her and her spouse uncomfortable.
TonTonMacoute · 22/02/2021 18:43

Stick to your guns OP! You're quite right, it's your family's space now.

The fact that she did not accept your original refusal raises a few concerns. There are techniques for getting over unhappy childhood memories - I'm pretty sure going back to the scene is not one of them!

Slinkery · 22/02/2021 18:46

I agree with you OP I wouldn't have let this happen either.

Passenger42 · 22/02/2021 18:48

Hell no, the house was sold and has been resold since her family left. You don’t want anything but happy thoughts about your home. The fact she has bad memories is a red flag. A sorry this doesn’t work for me should suffice.

Geekynzmum · 22/02/2021 19:01

I'm wondering if there is something in the house she wants to retrieve but hasn't been able to previously ...

TatianaBis · 22/02/2021 19:07

The things on MN that people manage to get in a massive twist about.

This would literally be a non-event to me. She wants to see the house she can see the house.

I can't even imagine the being the kind of person who would say no to that.

TatianaBis · 22/02/2021 19:08

@Passenger42

Hell no, the house was sold and has been resold since her family left. You don’t want anything but happy thoughts about your home. The fact she has bad memories is a red flag. A sorry this doesn’t work for me should suffice.
A red flag for what?

The memories are in her head not in the house! Confused

TatianaBis · 22/02/2021 19:14

@Tombero

There are so many threads urging people to have healthy boundaries. Now when someone does it’s the other way round for some posters.

Good for you OP.

I tell you what having healthy boundaries is: it's being able to have someone in your home who wasn't happy there and being completely fine. Not worrying about 'negative energy', 'bad karma', 'offloading', 'red flags'. Because she is her and I am me. Other people's experiences in their own lives do not affect me.
Ddot · 22/02/2021 19:16

Let her come over but only and state this fact that she does not divulge.

Leontine · 22/02/2021 19:19

Wholeheartedly agree @TatianaBis - this would be a non event for me too.

Someone else’s memories aren’t mine and I don’t believe they’re somehow trapped in the house forevermore.

I honestly can’t understand why it would ruin the enjoyment for a new owner. Hmm

Cindas · 22/02/2021 19:19

If I could do a small thing like this that could help someone improve their emotional well-being, I would be very happy to. She probably won’t disclose to you what the bad events were, but they shouldn’t impact on your life in the home beyond her visit, and even if you do find out, there’s no reason that your children should ever know. If she thinks visiting might help her come to terms with the past, then please allow it.