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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
teezletangler · 22/02/2021 19:20

I think it's pretty mean-spirited to say no to this. You could potentially really help her and she'd probably only be there a few minutes. You don't need to have a cuppa and a chat about her terrible memories.

Mythologies · 22/02/2021 19:20

Oooops and I have always thought I would like to see the house I lived in as a teenager in the seventies - obviously won't be doing that - I am an awful person.

teezletangler · 22/02/2021 19:22

Let her come over but only and state this fact that she does not divulge.

This. I'm not sure I'd want to know the details either (someone committed suicide in the hallway of my best friend's childhood home and I always wish I didn't know!) but a) it's probably nothing like that and b) as long as she keeps it to herself I can't see an issue.

Nanny2many · 22/02/2021 19:22

I would let her in after you’ve bought but before you move in. That way she won’t inflict any “”bad vibes”” on what feels like your home.

You can also “smudge” the house afterwards too! If you believe in that!

Ihatefish · 22/02/2021 19:25

Personally I’d have her over, the seed it set in your mind something bad happened anyway now. Perhaps it’s not as bad as you think . If I had something in my power to help someone like this I would.

Stoic123 · 22/02/2021 19:26

In OP situation, I would probably allow a visit (Covid guidance dependent) as a kindness.

No need to ask about or listen to any memories.

PrinzessinCressida · 22/02/2021 19:28

OP, I've only just caught this thread on highlights so I'm late to the party, but for what it's worth, I think you have totally done the right thing. As you said already, it is not out of curiosity that she wants to see the house, but to exorcise some demons. It is basically saying to you: "some very bad stuff happened to me in your new home", and then leaving you to speculate what that could have been. I think it is in extremely poor taste of her not just to ask, but even to mention this to a new homeowner who is obviously planning to create a happy life in this house. Well done for standing firm.

BronwenFrideswide · 22/02/2021 19:38

I tell you what having healthy boundaries is: it's being able to have someone in your home who wasn't happy there and being completely fine. Not worrying about 'negative energy', 'bad karma', 'offloading', 'red flags'. Because she is her and I am me. Other people's experiences in their own lives do not affect me.

No, healthy boundaries are:

Being able to say no to something you don't want to do for whatever reason.

Not being pushed or guilt tripped into doing something you don't want to do or feel uncomfortable about for whatever reason.

Deciding who you want to invite into your home and who you don't.

Healthy boundaries are not how far can bend over for other people even though I don't want to be a party to what they want to do

Anyway this is all moot as OP has made her decision and it should be respected, it is her and her family's home what and who they want in there is up to them they are under no obligation to Alison or Nicola or anyone else to allow them to use it for whatever they want.

Twinkled · 22/02/2021 19:40

YANBU. Your home and you are not her therapist . If she has childhood issues go to a therapist to sort . Not drag you with a possible consequence of making you uneasy In your new home . Nope

hatedbytheDailyMail · 22/02/2021 19:45

And whilst I can see that point of view, I think if we all thought like that then no one would help anyone

That's bollocks though isn't it? I help people all the time, I'm a volunteer thrice over. I'l fucking delightful. But I would absolutely say no way in OP's place.

Eddielzzard · 22/02/2021 19:48

Yup. You've absolutely done the right thing. I'm amazed that Alison won't explain even a little. Why should you invite her to your sanctuary, make yourself vulnerable to whatever she's got going on, when she can't even meet you 10% of the way?

Awalkinthefreshair · 22/02/2021 19:53

You did the right thing.

I understand how she feels (I often walk past my childhood home and think of the memories) but I would feel really uncomfortable having a previous owner in my home.

wusbanker · 22/02/2021 19:57

If she turns up with a cockerel and an exorcism kit then turn her away.

Lol Grin

Inwiththenew · 22/02/2021 20:01

I think she’ll sort of see and feel that the house has changed and it will help her to let go of whatever happened there. And you will be a part of her healing and that is a special thing. You don’t have to do it of course!

cerealgamechanger · 22/02/2021 20:07

Well done OP. Love your decisiveness. Wish there were more people like you to stop CFs in their tracks.

TatianaBis · 22/02/2021 20:13

@BronwenFrideswide

Well obviously boundaries entail being able to say no.

But feeling ‘uncomfortable’ over such a minor thing indicates poor boundaries of itself. Saying no may make you feel you’ve kept the threat out but it doesn’t strengthen boundaries for the next time.

Healthy boundaries mean you can cope life without ‘feeling uncomfortable’ over minor things. Without feeling you’re ’‘bending over for other while not wanting to be a party to what they do.’(Truly bizarre btw).

You don’t have to say no to so much of life for fear of what might happen.

Sillysandy · 22/02/2021 20:18

The irony of the posters talking about a mob and patting each other on the back for their healthy boundaries while sneering at the faux kindness of other posters.

I would do it because it wouldn't be a big deal to me at all, it would be a minor minor inconvenience - leave the house for an hour or so and let Alison have some time there. Why is it relevant if Alison has to travel to get there? That just highlights that it would mean more to her.

OP has made her decision and that is fine but it amazes me on MN that people think doing something small for someone else is worthy of so much scorn.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 20:32

Because it's not a small thing to some people, and not to the OP. Hmm

RTFT. The OP and her spouse, whose house it is, too, agreed together to say no.

Flatoutonsofa · 22/02/2021 20:34

I think your friend has a cheek to ask, regardless of her problems. Your house is private, as you say it's your sanctuary, and as someone else has said you're not her therapy. Stick to your guns. Absolutely no way would I agree to this .

Compoundinginterest · 22/02/2021 20:37

About 20 years ago I was in the pub and got talking to a few people I vaguely knew. Turned out one of the girls lived in the house that I'd grown up in. Anyway, we were all rightly and she invited us back to the house for a drink.
I had nothing but happy memories of the house. I'd lived there in the 70s and 80s so imagine plastic fake wood panelling on the walls, avocado and brown bathroom, woodchip on every wall and ceiling, no central heating etc etc.
I loved seeing what they'd done. It was absolutely beautiful. I was delighted that she'd invited us and I'd had the opportunity to have a look around.
However, I would have NEVER asked her if I could go round - just so happened that the drink was in and she did the inviting. I didn't say that I'd love to see it, only that it had been a fab house and a great place to grow up.

The OP is 100% right to say she doesn't want Al and Nic coming round. And she doesn't have to justify her decision!

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 20:45

How kind and no big deal is this to do to someone who is not even your friend, find out they've just moved into the house and get your mate to contact them and ask if you can use their house, travel 2.5 hours to get to it (in Scotland I can be halfway cross the country in that time) to deal with your negative past events in the house? Then have the nerve to not accept their response gracefully and just withdraw?

I mean, who the fuck does that, or finds it acceptable? Why would you do that to someone who just moved into a family home like that?

TonTonMacoute · 22/02/2021 20:47

OP has made her decision and that is fine but it amazes me on MN that people think doing something small for someone else is worthy of so much scorn

Quite a lot of scorn emanating from the other side too! Hmm

Yellow78 · 22/02/2021 20:51

@Sillysandy

The irony of the posters talking about a mob and patting each other on the back for their healthy boundaries while sneering at the faux kindness of other posters.

I would do it because it wouldn't be a big deal to me at all, it would be a minor minor inconvenience - leave the house for an hour or so and let Alison have some time there. Why is it relevant if Alison has to travel to get there? That just highlights that it would mean more to her.

OP has made her decision and that is fine but it amazes me on MN that people think doing something small for someone else is worthy of so much scorn.

You would leave a stranger in your home and your children’s home?

That’s bizarre!

Buffs · 22/02/2021 21:02

I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it. We had a family knock on our door who used to live in our house. We showed them round and they told us mr Morris had died where we had our dining room table. For years after we had a running joke about mr Morris’s ghost. We enjoyed meeting the old residents and they loved looking round.
Alison can’t do you any harm and the experience might help her.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 21:02

@TonTonMacoute

OP has made her decision and that is fine but it amazes me on MN that people think doing something small for someone else is worthy of so much scorn

Quite a lot of scorn emanating from the other side too! Hmm

It amazes me that people can't accept that not everyone is the same and that for some people, 'something small' is not to them. Hmm