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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take my children with me

223 replies

Catsandkittens638297 · 20/02/2021 07:52

I recently moved city and have had to change hospitals to give birth in. They've had to get me in for a quick appointment on Monday but DH works away and iv no family or friends that can watch my children. I told the women on the phone she said I couldn't bring them and she couldn't change the appointment because of how far I am. If I take my kids with me will they refuse to see me?

OP posts:

EL8888 · 20/02/2021 19:20

@JustLyra exactly. People shouldn’t have a default view that a Very Important Man Job comes ahead of everything. There are options but OP and presumably her husband don’t want to take them

Why should OP’s needs be ahead of healthcare professionals safety, as well other patients? Unpopular view to some but healthcare professionals do have rights and their employer needs to minimise risks at work. So yeah that includes only the patient at this time, attending appointments

bloodyhairy · 20/02/2021 19:23

I feel for you OP, really I do, but I think you're going to have to be a bit proactive here. Reach out to your neighbours, ask if there are any trusted babysitters in the community, or phone a local nursery to see if any of the staff members do babysitting on the side. It'll pay to sort it out now, as you may end up needing the support again for future appointments.
This don't be a popular view, but I agree that it's completely impractical for your husband to come home for this. Only on Mumsnet!
Good luck

JustLyra · 20/02/2021 19:24

Of course it’s a waste of leave to take a full day off to cover a 15 min appointment. And it has nothing to do with responsibility of the man. My DH works dam hard so I can stay home and look after my children. He has no problem looking after our DCs or doing housework, giving me time out to see friends (pre covid) but I’d much rather he used his leave on days we need him, when I’m too sick or the DCs are sick or when my TI dad was rushed into hospital and he flew home straight away so I could be by his side...or to spend time with us all as a family on holiday. If he took a whole days leave everytime myself or one of the DCs had a hospital appointment he would have no leave at all and be taking unpaid time off which would eventually result in him loosing his job which supports us. For reference I go for blood tests fortnightly, sometimes weekly, I also have regular hospital appointments at least once a month, 2 of my children are also under the hospital for treatments. So whenever any one of us has an appointment that dosnt fall within school hours (which is never at the moment) all 4 of us have to attend.

That you'd rather he used his leave for days when you'd do something nice is a choice. I'm a SAHM and I also prefer my DH to take days off when we can do nice things.

However, when your wife has an important medical appointment and there are no other options then it's absolutely not a waste of a days leave. It's being a husband and father.

The OP's husband can take the time off to look after their children, she'd just rather he didn't. Which is understandable, however it's not understandable to be so entitled that you think your choices should override sensible hospital policy in the middle of a pandemic.

Christmasfairy2020 · 20/02/2021 19:27

Ok you live in Yorkshire. If it is south yorkshire you can get your bloods done over at the blood centre via drive through. If it is just normal bloods get the form sent via post and book nurse appointment at your gp

Bookriddle · 20/02/2021 19:33

Maybe they could ask one of the many ward nurse that are making tiktok videos to watch your kids while you have your appointment

captainnoir · 20/02/2021 21:16

[quote EL8888]@captainnoir there’s no neglect , she’s been offered an appointment for care and attention. She just doesn’t like the conditions of it. Even if she goes private there will be conditions e.g. the ultrasound appointment l attended recently, l had to go on my own and fiancé couldn’t attend[/quote]
I don't know where you are located, but my hospital said partners are allowed to attend scans.
But besides the point, your partner is capable of looking after himself, I don't think he needs babysitting does he.
A child is a whole different story.

Botanica · 20/02/2021 21:21

Covid or not, it's completely inappropriate to bring children to pregnancy scans.
There are people suffering from infertility and others receiving news of miscarriage, and it's not fair to make them sit in a waiting room whilst your babies and toddlers remind them of everything they might never have.

captainnoir · 20/02/2021 21:28

@Botanica

Covid or not, it's completely inappropriate to bring children to pregnancy scans. There are people suffering from infertility and others receiving news of miscarriage, and it's not fair to make them sit in a waiting room whilst your babies and toddlers remind them of everything they might never have.

I had to stay in a postnatal ward, listening to newborns crying all day and night after I suffered a neonatal loss. Life is not fair sometimes, it happens. But if someone can't bear to see a toddler sitting in a waiting room then they should lock themselves up and never step foot outside. CHILDREN AND BABIES ARE EVERYWHERE. Should partners not wait outside either with the children? Just incase someone finds it unfair that they haven't got a partner? Or actually, lets ban partners all together, because god forbid, someone might have lost theirs or may be a single parent.

Its ridiculous.

m0therofdragons · 20/02/2021 21:31

Children are not supposed to attend scans. Telling you your baby hasn’t developed properly or las no heartbeat in front of your dc is not on and all hospitals advise against it. In covid it’s even more important. The rooms they perform scans in are small and the scans take time. If we lose a sonographer for 10 days or longer due to covid it could mean women won’t get scans because there’s a National shortage in trained sonographers! Hospitals are doing everything they can to minimise risk yet people continue to push the rules because they think their situation and inconvenience trumps others. There are millions of self employed people and many will have dc too, many of us don’t have local family providing childcare. None of this is unique to the op yet she seems to think her circumstances are different.

MintChocAddict · 20/02/2021 21:33

Local childminders can sometimes help in situations like this. There will probably be a local group in your area. Ask on a local facebook group of any recommendations for childminders offering flexible care during the pandemic.

SD1978 · 20/02/2021 21:50

If it's just for bloods- can the GP do them? Going forward I'd be trying to find a babysitter in your area- it sounds like you've moved somewhere that your husband won't be around for 2 weeks every month, and no guarantee your parents or his will be available. I'd be trying to grow a network around you ASAP- even if it's a paid network.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/02/2021 21:59

It does make sense for him to come back. It’s an important medical appointment to which you cannot take your children.

It might suck a bit to have to lose his pay but you absolutely cannot just turn up at the hospital with the kids in order to force their hand. Yes that might be a saving of money and your husbands time but it’s not allowed.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/02/2021 22:00

It’s that or pay someone really.

Disressingtimes · 20/02/2021 22:10

@Bourbonbiccy

They have made it clear they do not want your children there, respect that. Cancel your appointment and reschedule, if it's urgent they can maybe send out a district nurse like they do for my neighbours, but they are elderly, but either way reschedule you can't go.

If it’s urgent her DH can take a day off work. Why should the overstretched NHS send a DN to do home bloods to someone who isn’t housebound?

Duckyneedsaclean · 20/02/2021 22:21

What a lot of fuss. Who on earth would travel from Wales to Yorkshire so someone can get a blood test

OP, just call again and say you can't go then if they won't allow children, and they'll have to reschedule for the next week.

3rdNamechange · 20/02/2021 22:38

@AliceMcK

I’ve had to take my DCs to hospital appointments, there is nothing they can do. If they refuse to see you kick up a fuss. You can’t be expected to leave your children alone.

They have absolutely ridiculous rules in the uk about numbers of people in appointments even pre covid.

@EL8888 she’s not asking the staff to babysit she’s been told she has to attend an appointment and has her children to care for so has to take them with her. Not everyone has family or friends who can help especially during covid. I take my 3 children to appointments and never has there been a issue with staff nor has there ever been an occasion for the staff to look after my children.

There is 'something they can do ' they can refuse to see her.

LIZS · 20/02/2021 22:38

Or he delays travelling until after the appointment?

JustLyra · 20/02/2021 22:38

@Duckyneedsaclean

What a lot of fuss. Who on earth would travel from Wales to Yorkshire so someone can get a blood test

OP, just call again and say you can't go then if they won't allow children, and they'll have to reschedule for the next week.

The person 50% responsible for the need for the appointment perhaps?

The OP could call and ask if they can reschedule it for the next week. They don't have to do anything just because someone is unwilling to organise their husband to mind the children.

B1rthis · 20/02/2021 22:55

Your options are:
Hire a stranger to sit/mind your children in your home.
Contact someone who you know/trust with your children and arrange for them to stay under bubble (probably breaking restrictions somewhere)
Your husband takes special leave of absence
Arrange for a private company to come to your home, take your blood and upload the results to you. You then send a copy of results to your GP/midwife.
The last option is expensive and isn't available everywhere but if you are keen for bloods to be taken, it might be an option

Dobbyafreeelf · 20/02/2021 22:56

My goodness there are a lot of hard of thinking people on this thread! Either that or just out to be as unhelpful and nasty as possible!

The DH is away working. Which funnily enough is what pays the bills and feeds the family! Maybe they can't afford for him to loose the days wages and the additional train costs!

JustLyra · 20/02/2021 23:06

@Dobbyafreeelf

My goodness there are a lot of hard of thinking people on this thread! Either that or just out to be as unhelpful and nasty as possible!

The DH is away working. Which funnily enough is what pays the bills and feeds the family! Maybe they can't afford for him to loose the days wages and the additional train costs!

That's not the case though. The OP said herself that they are not having the DH come home because "it doesn't make sense" not because they can't afford it.

Also he works week on week off so she could just rearrange the appointment for when he's home rather than expecting the NHS staff to bend the rules just for her.

Mysillystory · 20/02/2021 23:15

I've used sitters.co.uk several times, 3 different ladies. They were all bloody great.

FolkyFoxFace · 20/02/2021 23:17

He must have known he would have to take days off for your appointments at some point. I know it's not a great position to be in, but your DH should have planned for this type of thing. My DH only gets paid for several of my antenatal appointments, but he's taken the time off unpaid for all of them anyway because I didn't want to do it alone. Just one of those things.

FolkyFoxFace · 20/02/2021 23:20

To be clear, that's because we have ours at home as in having a home birth so that's why he can be there. What I'm saying is some things just need to be done. Speak to your DH.

minniemango · 20/02/2021 23:22

I'd rather pay for a babysitter than skip an appointment.

Rebooking for next week when your DH is home seems the easiest thing though?

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