AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

If you and your DH are happy with his development I shouldn’t worry. In regards to your MIL I think you and your DH need to have words with her again. Maybe point out how her behaviour is affecting you, it sounds like she means well and has just got overly obsessed with the topic of child development during the boredom of lockdown.

If she keeps ignoring you then maybe think about reducing contact for a while. If she doesn’t see him for a few weeks she’ll be amazing at how far he’s come!

I'd ask for a proper conversation and ask her directly to stop saying these things or you'll feel like you need to limit the amount of time you spend with her.

And if she doesn't stop - then reduce the amount of time a bit and see if that works.

Crikey I'm not surprised this is getting to you. It's incredibly rude and thoughtless. Plus milestones are loose guidelines, not rules. Could you have a private word with your health visitor (without MIL listening) to alleviate the fears she has caused you to have? That way the reassurance from a professional will allay your fears and you can ignore MIL's tattling.

I imagine that many children will be slightly slower with communication skills at the moment as they're interacting with fewer people. Even the interaction they might get whilst out and about is distanced and masked.

I would also tell MIL exactly what you've said here - that her constantly mentioning it is upsetting you at a time when you're vulnerable through no social interaction? Then tbh I would stop her getting involved in DC medical appointments and, if she starts going in about it, tell her you don't want to hear her opinion and have consulted a professional.

I feel cross on your behalf that you've been made to feel like this.

She needs to be told to stop doing this. It sounds like she needs some hobbies, maybe try to get her on to some different apps.

Ok your MIL has convinced herself that he has ASD. She may or may not be right but it doesn't change him.

Is he in nursery? I ask their thoughts? They'll see him and know how he is compared to other kids.

If hes not in nursery I'd call your HV just to rule it out.

If nothing else asking for a second opinion will settle your mind.

If she’s saying he’s behind with waking, she’s not even right? Maybe question where she’s getting these milestones from and how she’s interpreting them. I think she’s seeing 13-18 months for walking and reading that as 13 months.

Or she’s wanting some drama. If it was me I’d like to work out which so I’d probe a bit.

Can you get your husband to tell her to shut up? Get him familiar with the milestones and tell her she’s talking rubbish.

I'd start asking her to do things she can't, then when she refuses you could say "hmm, you should be able to do that at your age"
She will either get it or come around less because your upsetting her.

She'd have a field day with my son! He didn't walk until after he was 2 and at 3 his speech still isn't at the same level as lots of his peers but according to SALT and he's paediatrician he's completely normal so he's a good example in a child not following the "milestones" exactly but being developmentally normal. 13 months is so young to be talking or walking! I would tell her to back off and that if your health care providers aren't worried then you aren't. But I do know what you mean about planting a seed, it's so hard to shake once it's in your head

Oh she can fuck right off with that. Sorry but your DH needs to be reminding her what it was like to be a FTM and that you are much less likely to feel able to ask her advice etc if you are constantly feeling that you need to defend your perfectly normal sounding DS. If she simply won't back down then you need to limit contact. Pil were like this with DD who didn't walk until 2 although they would lie about milestones as they were embarrassed and claim that she had walked with them or similar. Unfortunately for that period I had to reduce my contact

My MIL did this. It was so annoying and it was mainly because our DS wasn’t very friendly with her (because she didn’t bother seeing him often ) to be honest it did get to me.

I just stopped telling her anything. It became clear he wasn’t autistic or delayed with anything in time when he became more confident. If you are worried though ask for a second opinion xx

Grr how annoying! My MIL has done this in different ways . She was obsessed with the fact my daughter used to poke her tongue out a lot and kept making very thinly veiled hints that it wasn’t ‘normal’. Lots of other things too - I just ignored.

Ignore your mother in law, she sounds very trying. And, support bubble or not, you don’t have to see her. Why was she there for his video appointment? “Sorry MiL, you can’t come today, we have a HV appointment” was all you needed to say there.

Is he at nursery? There’s a whole range of children there that they see and you will see!

Thanks for all the advice.
@lockdownbear He’s not in nursery my work has dried up so it seemed silly to send him while I’m at home.
Health visitor didn’t have any concerns as although he scored lowest in communication he wasn’t at the referral point and is communicating with us in other ways. He does wave when he feels like it - at the end of video calls to his other grandparents for example. He gestures with his fist. He brings books to us to read and shows us his toys, brings a ball he wants to play with by rolling back and forth with us. I didn’t have any concerns at all.
Even if he Is a bit behind compared to other babies (i don’t know if this is the case!) he’s not 18 months yet anyway so the health visitor won’t do anything but keep an eye on him as it’s too young for any kind of diagnosis.

I think the poster who said this has become her lockdown hobby/obsession is right :(

I also feel like she’s spoiling the time she has with him for herself because she spends it trying to get him to do things rather than reading him the book he’s brought to her or playing with him etc

I just woke up this morning and felt really fed up about it all and so annoyed that it’s caused this little niggle of worry that wasn’t there before

Also similar to poster above ours was delayed with walking (bum shuffler). We saw paeds who said he’s completely fine and she still didn’t believe us.

I would ask her if she’s worried he has a disorder of some kind, and either way what purpose it serves constantly critiquing his progress. Is there something she thinks you should be doing with him to promote his development?

She was at our health visitor appointment because it was before Christmas and she wasn’t like that then (ah the pre iPad days!)
DH has spoken to her numerous times and told her that milestones are set exactly and there’s a broad normal window and that even if he was delayed it wouldn’t be up to her to remind us every visit or take it upon herself to try to “fix” the issue. She says this as well which annoys me “not talking yet? Nanny will fix it come on let’s have a chat” he doesn’t need fixing ffs.

I think it rankles as well because there’s this underlying suggestion that if he was delayed or autistic he would be less than perfect and need fixing in some way. But as I said I may be over sensitive! It’s been tough to be a ftm in lockdown.

She comes over a lot as she’s on her own otherwise and she is normally so so lovely and we are normally so close so i was happy to have her before all this started.

She just doesn’t seem to hear us when we explain why it’s bothering us or ask her to stop doing it.

If you’ve asked her before to lay off these comments and she’s carrying on, I’d be tempted to start making light of it “ok Dr. MIL” tinkly laugh

Either that, or turn the concern back on her “Oh MIL, is everything ok? I’ve noticed you seem very worried about the minutiae of DS’s development, it sounds very stressful for you?”

Turn it round and start quoting dementia markers back at her, starting with obsessive behaviour.

She's not being evidence based in her concerns/help, for e.g. most experts are really anti ipads for under 2s, so honestly I'd just ignore her.

(no judgement on the ipad, my DC loved video calling as toddlers too).

Your DC sounds fine, my 1 year old spends all his time stealing remote controls and trying to climb on to daddys desk. He's good at waving but can't clap yet.

You both need to speak to her again and make it clear it’s upsetting you both and it’s going to damage the relationship if it continues. I think she’s hit a nerve which is making it worse. No one wants to hear what she’s saying and of course it’s going to cause you concern. Your child is far too young to be making these kind of comments about and babies all develop at different rates.

Camomila MIL is the one with the iPad not the child

I would be blunt with her. Say it’s driving a wedge between you. You are nit concerned about his development, and even if there were issues, there is nothing to be done for it. She can either continue to come and see him and play with him normally, or she can stop. The analysis and constant commentary has to stop.

You know a support bubble should be exactly that, support. You shouldn’t be feeling bad everytime she comes round. My son is autistic and if I had known at 18 months if wouldn’t have changed anything. You’re his mum not a medical professional. Your job is playing, cuddles, food and routine. I do have to say nothing you’ve written there is a glaring sign of autism. I was developmentally delayed as a child. I now have a Masters’s degree. We all develop at different rates. I’d firmly put your foot down with MIL.

One of mine walked at 16 months but crawled at 6 and had a big vocabulary by one and was doing sentences quickly after.

The other didn't walk till 18 months. Then stood up and did 27 steps without holding on to anything. And she didn't speak until 2 and had no real words for things she wanted either. Glue ear. Diagnosed after but also a bit lazy and very content.

Same parents. Very different kids. Both smart sassy clever and funny and broadly comparable at primary.

Ignore her. But perhaps after trying to explain and ask her to stop kindly. If she persists after that i's be spikier telling her the comments are not welcome or helpful and you would prefer to take the opinions of experts not an app.

Not surprising he doesn't enjoy having his hands held and being forced to clap or point! She got autism from that?

Incidentally the book 'baby talk' is really good for communication development and following a child's lead with play. I'm not saying his communication is delayed, but I have lots of experience teaching early years/KS1 and a masters in specific learning disorders and it's just a really good read especially if parents are concerned that their child is getting less interaction during lockdown. In a nutshell: half an hour focused play per day 1:1, following their lead, works wonders.