AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

All children develop at completely different times, so please please don't worry about him, he sounds like he's doing great! Your MIL doesn't sound at all like she's helping the situation though, and in your shoes, I'd have a chat with her, explain how it's making you feel and that your son will develop these skills in his own time, and I'd tell her that if she continues then she will have to stop coming round as much, and then stick to it, if she continues put some distance between you for a few days, you'll go insane otherwise. I do think it's coming from a good place though, she maybe just thinks she's helping?

@Frouby

Turn it round and start quoting dementia markers back at her, starting with obsessive behaviour.

Definitely this

Even if he is behind developmentally, what does she suggest you do about it? I would ask her, and whether she is implying that my parenting isn't all that it should be?

You absolutely need to stamp on this.
If dh has had repeated chats about it and she is still going on you will need to make her visits dependent on it I think. I'm not normally one to get harsh, but FFS this is the kind of thing that erodes a parents confidence especially in current times when your ability to balance out her batshittery by being together with other mums etc is non existent! She is robbing you, whether intentionally or not, of the joy in all his little acts! You absolutely do not want to be giving everything he does the side eye wondering whether it's indicative of a fault or something. Aarrgghh, I'm amazed you aren't more of an anxious wreck, I think you've been very resilient and patient.
But stop this attrition in your joy and confidence it is ghastly.
Your Ds sounds perfectly normal btw.

Perhaps suggest she takes him off on her own for longer so that she can "fix" him. 🙄

How irritating. He sounds completely normal in his development.

Think you need to be kind but honest with her that you no longer want these comments.

Everything that you have mentioned that your little boy can do sounds completely normal. Babies don't really tend to talk at 12 months (not in my experience anyway) A lot of children don't like being made to do things with their hands, doesn't mean it is autism. Also as long as he is babbling and making sounds, that is fine. All children develop at their own pace. I work in a nursery with younger children so used to seeing all kind of development stages. Just tell her to back off and he doesn't need 'fixing'. He is perfect in every way.

As PP has said, it sounds as if your MIL is a bit bored and has latched onto this. It must be really annoying. I really wouldn't worry about it, they are guidelines and there is a window and your DC sounds developmentally normal. They are all different! I am getting annoyed on your behalf.
As you say she is nice in other ways, I would develop a stock response, 'thank you for your opinion, that's interesting.' Keep saying that and she will get bored eventually! Visualise a bubble round you and her opinions bounce off! Easier said than done, I know. My MIl is generally nice but used to ring once a week from.when my child was around 14 months to see if potty trained yet. She was not ready at all of course and mil used to say, never mind, I will potty train her when she comes to stay! I had to just smile and ignore.

Christ she's going to have a field day with toilet training. Both mine were well over 3. She'd lose the plot.

And that's the thing - there's years of development ahead. Is she going to be critiquing him throughout?

And god help him when he goes to school. My DS is probably the worst at writing in the class - it doesn't mean anything when he's great at reading and spelling but you could pounce on that if you're looking for something to "fix". There will always be something, in other words. Every child has something they are slow picking up.

So either nip this in the bud or he faces years of criticism.

And if needs to be your DH who nips this in the bud by the way. Its his mother.

I know a child who didn’t talk until he was 17 months. He is Oxbridge material. Tell her that!

If she knew much about child development, she'd know there are quite large ranges on many things. A one year old under one in December not talking yet sounds completely and utterly normal.
Maybe you should get her to come on MN and raise her concerns here?(no, not really... she might find it a little robust)

My public health nurse was saying there's no point doing 2 year development checks at the moment because when the kids see her they don't really interact because they're not used to it. So everything is topsy turvey anyway. My MIL used to be obsessed with crawling and talking. I just kept replying with at what age did your two do that - and that sent her into a spiral of reminiscing.

My child had exactly five words he could say at 2.5yo... he's in yr 6 now, devours every book he can lay his hands on, is academically bright and has no trouble stringing a sentence together whatsoever. There are such wide variances in babies her efforts are utterly pointless, as well as horrible.

My ex-son in law didn't say a word until he was early 4, he was the youngest of 5 children.

He used to point at things and then his sisters ran around him getting them. Nothing wrong with him at all, pure laziness on his part.

I'm a doctor and it's perfectly normal not to be talking or walking at 12 months. It doesn't sound like your GP was concerned either. I was actually talking about this at work with my registrar this week- one of hers was gabbling away at 9 months and the other is hardly making an effort at 13. There is a huge range of normal. I'm sure your son will get it in his own time. If you are worried if he still isn't managing in a few months call your GP. But most babies will be quicker on some things and slower on others. My baby crawled and waved very early but still can't clap at 11 months. Perhaps she just doesn't think mummy and daddy have done anything worthy of applause yet.

Your MIL sounds exhausting. Any time she says something critical you (or your DH) might need to cut her off and tell her to stop. If she persists despite being asked I'd just not engage or leave the room.

She sounds absolutely insufferable and if she's supposed to be a support bubble she should be supportive not causing you extra problems. I would tell her very firmly that the health visitor is not concerned and neither are you, so please stop with these comments. I would be tempted to warn her that if she doesn't you will have to remove her from the support bubble as she is being so unhelpful.

I've got the rage just reading that. It's hard enough to have a lockdown baby.

I would firmly, rudely, tell her to shut up about it. Yes she might be offended for a couple of days. But how long have you been upset for?! Tell her to stfu.

TheWernethWife oops, I completely missread that I thought the MIL had bought the baby an ipad and kept putting educational baby apps on it.

I’m fairly sure Einstein didn’t talk until really late.

I like another poster’s suggestion of quoting back some dementia related stats to her every time she starts with the milestone stats

There is a huge range in those milestones. My very academic younger son didn't talk until around two and then only a few words.

My elder son is on the spectrum but there were quite a few signs. He didn't play with toys, just threw them around. He was always crying. He would push other children. He didn't talk particularly late though. Even autistic children are different so it is hard to diagnose really early.

That would drive me mad and to be honest I would reduce contact. This behaviour is potentially damaging and it’s ruining quality time with your child. I would contact your health visitor for your own reassurance but you are dead right in that they go at their own pace! She needs a new hobby and you need the space to enjoy your child in peace!

*If she’s saying he’s behind with waking, she’s not even right?^

You are not being over-sensitive. It sounds relentless, exhausting and annoying and you are not remotely mean to be saying something. If you don’t stop it now it will continue for all the other milestones.

The average age a baby takes its first unaided steps is 13 months. That’s just a few steps, not walking confidently! Of course there is considerable variation either side of this age.

In terms of talking, most babies are just babbling at this age, actual meaningful words often don’t come in till about 18 months- obviously there are some ahead of the curve.

There is a behaviour and development board on Mumsnet which is useful if you have concerns. But even if you don’t have concerns, her behaviour sounds maddening!

He sounds very normal.

I would be a bit tempted to quote dementia markers or similar back to her (they will be similarly numerous and broad, that we all display some, sometimes). Cruel but some people cannot understand things that they haven't experienced themselves.

The 'fix it' comments are the worst. They're a direct criticism of you as parents.

Don’t cut the woman off for something that’s easy to resolve. Have a proper conversation and be honest, acknowledging he isn’t at the top of the tree but the HV isn’t worried.
It might be she has a point, but it’s far too early to tell. Explain that.

Then say you want to focus on the positives and build his growing confidence. Buy her one of those baby books where you keep records. Send her lots of photos to print off and arrange in an album. Tell her x jigsaw would be good, or a pop up zoo would promote hand eye coordination. She can spend her time sourcing and buying useful things rather than finding problems out of boredom.

A woman who has raised her own DC doesn't remember the variability of individual DC?
And she never discovered doctor Google untili you bought her an ipad?
Where was she living??