AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

If it's any consolation, to assuage your anxiety, ds was only commando crawling at 11 months, only cruising at 12 months, didn't walk until he was 17 months old and didn't talk properly until he was 3 (although he did speak some sort of fluent Serbo-Croatian - and understood us fine ).

He is now a fit, healthy and intelligent 20 year old, studying Politics and International Relations at Aberdeen Uni never stops talking even when I want him to and is even if I say so myself a very talented rugby player

They all develop at their own pace.

Your MIL sounds hard work - but you also sound like a lovely sensitive woman who recognises that part of the issue and obsession is related to the change in her circumstances due to Lockdown.

I hope that the wee bit of space that your dh is enforcing will help her to gain a better perspective.

ah thank you @prettybird that's a lovely thing to say. Your DS sounds fab.

That should be all good conscience in my previous post by the way, speed typing with a toddler using me as a climbing frame never ends well!

Maybe tell her ‘I’m going to leave it for now and review it with the health visitor on his second birthday. No point in jumping the gun’

MaryPoppins Does your MIL drink a lot of coffee? There was a good article in The Guardian by a Barista who said that too much leads to anxiety esp. first thing in the morning. Sorry I don't do links but maybe she could find it.

This is why I hate the child development apps like WonderWeeks and I deleted them pretty sharpish off my phone!

She really does sound mentally unwell at the moment

I think you are doing the right thing, hopefully when the Covid situation changes she’ll improve.

Completely by the by but my DS missed most of his early milestones. HVs would say things like “don’t worry too much yet about him not talking/walking/etc, you’re doing all the right things, some children take longer” and I’d take them completely at face value and not give it a second thought.

At some point between 3 years old and starting school nursery at 3 years and 11 months he caught up dramatically. I remember his nursery teacher commenting after his nursery trial day how advanced his language skills were and realising he’d gone straight from one extreme to the other.

He’s a very academic 12 year old now. I think he just lived in his head for a bit longer than other children.

Oh my goodness, you absolutely have to start referring to Granny's special list 😂 Ooh, he did xyz so we can cross that off Granny's special list now. Make a joke of it, even if it's just between you, DH and your DS (who sounds adorable - my DS2 at that age was heavily absorbed in his 'enveloping schema' phase).

Maybe the above suggestion of getting her to at least speak to the GP before she returns to your life is a good one. You could then write to her GP before the appointment and give your concerns /examples. They can't give you any info but they can use what you give them i understand.

@Bopping298

This is why I hate the child development apps like WonderWeeks and I deleted them pretty sharpish off my phone!

Wonder weeks is a load of non evidenced woo anyway, there’s no science behind it. Interesting to google it and see the author’s approach to being asked to evidence his claims!