AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

Great advice on here.

My concern is that she is spoiling this time for you.
Thatvis not acceptable.

I gave each of my children a soft toothbrush for them to chew on, on the advice of a dentist friend 20 years ago and let them do that for a long time.
They drank water which also helped their teeth.

My children were all sporty yet never walked until they were 18+months🤷🏻‍♀️

They ALL were later talkers as in 2.5 years plus but have thrived academically.

It's great to be aware and not be in denial but your little boy sounds like he is doing great.

The one thing we learned was that farmyard animal sounds are the foundation of speech and doing those sounds with little plastic animals is a fun way of helping them.

I must admit I couldn't have someone so negative and critical of my child around me.

I just couldn't tolerate the negativity.

Thank you SO much. All these posts are so helpful and are really making me see the situation for what it is - I’ve been so worried about upsetting MIL that I haven’t been as firm as I should have been and it’s got out of hand.

I’ve realised today (she’s not coming over today) that I’m so much more relaxed and happy and enjoying DS and it’s really shown the effect she’s having. No she’s not normally like this at all and I really think it’s lockdown that’s created these obsessive behaviours in her. I like the advice of asking her if she’s okay or feeling anxious whenever she picks up on something - that seems like a good way to make her take a step back. Or perhaps she will admit to feeling anxious.

Today he walked from one side of the room to the other, gave his dad a high five then spent a happy hour playing with his car and rolling a ball back and forth with DH, handing him his teddy to be kissed and generally being delightful.

To the poster who asked - I’m so sorry it’s
Not letting me tag people by name on the app - it’s kind of a bit of both support bubble wise. She’s a single person household and we have DS who was under 1 on the second of December but to be honest I feel like
She’s very much getting the support from us while it’s stressing us out!

I cannot emphasise how helpful this thread has been and how kind it is of posters to take the time to share advice and reassure me I really didn’t expect to get this many replies.

I’ve shown the thread to DH as well.

Thanks for sharing the variety of different levels of development too, I’m going to try really hard to get rid of that bloody seed she’s planted and enjoy my gorgeous baby boy.

OP, if you want a laugh, my MIL told me my DS should have been walking at 8 months : /
She was also aghast that I didn't want to start potty training at 9 months last summer as it was 'the perfect time' and 'they can be in the garden all day'. She said she trained all her children at this age and tutted when I told her it sounded far too young and he clearly wasn't ready. She then left the room and her DH told me they mainly left the kids nappiless when outdoors as nappies were so expensive!

Since then, I've taken all of her advice/tips/nagging with a big pinch of salt. It does all come from a good place and she wants to help but it can be grating. Your DS sounds like a delight!

I think the most important thing with a baby is that they look at you, smile and engage.
Once they are interested and interacting with you, that covers a lot.

I do wish that I had known about the farmyard sounds as we definitely could have started that earlier.
My son loved the game once we started it on the advice of a speech therapist and we played it for 5 minutes several times a day once told.

Enjoy!

@M0rT

I'd start asking her to do things she can't, then when she refuses you could say "hmm, you should be able to do that at your age" She will either get it or come around less because your upsetting her.

🤣 this

Sorry but I would be removing her from my bubble of she was behaving like that every time she comes over. Spending hours trawling through the net to come up with lists of concerns. You have spent the entire thread responding to her concerns with the long lists of things your DC does or doesn’t do. She is getting in your head. Why can’t she enjoy hanging out with you all? It isn’t nice, she brings nothing but stress. I wouldn’t be ignoring it, I would be firmly telling her to stop and set some boundaries.

You’re so right @bigbird1969

@billy1966 thanks for this I’m going to try it as I’ve been looking for new games to play with DS I’m bored of all the usual ones myself!

Well after a day of not seeing MIL he's merrily pointing at his sippy cup and stomping around like nobody's business - probably because nobody is trying to force him!

She's over this afternoon so we are going to talk to her together again and then see where we go from here.

Good!! He's a normal baby. remember he is a baby!!!

She sounds tiresome. All milestones happen on a broad spectrum, it’s not like every child jumps to their feet on their 1st birthday and then never crawls again. My DS is 20 months old and a real chatterbox. His cousin is 24 months and still doesn’t talk much. My son is not a genius and his cousin is not delayed - they’re just very different kids who choose different ways of communicating!

Come back and tell us how you get on @Marypoppinsbrolly.
Don't be surprised if she comes back and says "See, I knew that if you spent time working on these things with DGS that he'd improve" having had the weekend to mull things over.

Hope things go peacefully and she returns to her normal lovely self ASAP!

Yes very true Coffee Out first wasn't even crawling when she was one, talking a bit though. walked at 18 months at the same time as she spoke her proper first sentence. Is bright. 2nd dd spoke later, walked at 13 months, has high end dyslexia.

Ds clever from the start, walked up and down the stairs and counted the steps with me , but we never pushed him! at 13 months. Too bleedin' clever, he played guitar at his teacher's level at 11 years old, the varying schools couldn't cope with him! He was tutored at home. Is an all rounder, now is a musician\yoga teacher BUT a lot of parents would have torn their hair out trying to get him into uni , he didn't want to take the exams to go.

@LookItsMeAgain

Come back and tell us how you get on *@Marypoppinsbrolly*. Don't be surprised if she comes back and says "See, I knew that if you spent time working on these things with DGS that he'd improve" having had the weekend to mull things over.

And if she does you say:

'No, we absolutely haven't been working on things - because there is nothing to work on. He's a normal baby and he's had a very happy weekend without someone hovering over him trying to persuade him to perform for them. The only thing there is to work on is how and why you have developed such a level of anxiety and are acting so obsessively. We need to talk about this properly MIL'

Baby is behaving very normally.

MiL is not.

Hello all thought I’d come back to update.
Unfortunately our conversation with MIL did not go well, she got very upset and seems to think we aren’t taking DS’s issues seriously. Even though he has no issues!

Even though he is now pointing, walking and has progressed in some other ways this isn’t enough for her and she is now worrying about other things. I suffer health anxiety - which is well managed currently - and it’s now clear to me that these are anxious behaviours on her part. She won’t have this of course.

It all came to a head when she went ballistic about us taking DS on a bucket swing. Our play areas have been closed throughout the whole pandemic - a council led decision - so he had never been! We were so excited to take him when they opened again this last week. He chews and bites everything so I tucked a Muslin over the front bar and he had a great time. We took pics and DH sent them to the family chat.
We got home to a pretty much hysterical
Phone call telling us that we’ve probably
given DS Covid from putting him on the swing and we aren’t fit to be parents :-/

Well that was it for DH he’s hit the roof and is refusing to have MIL anywhere near us for a good couple of weeks, if ever.

I’m gutted it’s come to this as she clearly isn’t right but DH and I are also
Trying to get MIL some help regarding anxiety which is difficult because she’s currently refusing to accept anything is wrong. (I used to do this too so
I am sympathetic but this latest disagreement and her comments are making me less and less so)

But thank you to everyone who posted suggestions and tips - if anyone has any advice on how we can get her to see she needs help we would really appreciate it

She’s really really upset she can’t see DS and DH is refusing to send her photos or engage with her for a bit which I fully
Support because her comments were awful but I also want us all to be able to resolve this once he’s calmed down

My MIL, used to tell me her DC met milestones superduper early eg SIL was clean and dry by 1years old.
So when older DC got it at around over three, and MIL was praising her, I pointed out she's a bit slow but I'm so relieved she's got it. And suddenly MIL announced SIL hadn't got it so early at all.

I think it's just a crazy excited granny thing, and she's also anxious that her precious grandchild is brilliant and ahead and better than all the other toddlers.

My MIL, utterly dotes on our girls and in her eyes they're super clever and really clever. I smile and nod and if she's anxious I let her know the HV are happy with their progress which reassures her.

I'm sorry to hear it didn't go well but please don't try and fix this. If your DH says he's had enough and wants to limit and possibly even stop contact altogether then please try and support him in this as it's an entirely reasonable response given the absolutely horrendous comments she's made.

I would struggle to want to facilitate a relationship with her moving forward. As unless she realises she needs help this criticism is only going to get worse and pretty soon your son will understand the hurtful things she's saying.

You sound a lot more empathetic towards her than most would be OP. You sound lovely.

Honestly, she told you you weren’t fit to be parents, what does she expect? That’s the ultimate grenade into your relationship. Your DH is very wise taking some space for the foreseeable, while on one hand it’s sad for a child not to spend time with a loving grandparent, on the other hand that isn’t your MIL. She sounds really... not well, and her anxiety and constant negativity about your DS will only rub off onto him as he gets better. You don’t want people like that in his life, trust me. Blood or not. I would not expose my beautiful toddler to anyone who was obsessively finding flaws in his development, fuck that. Even if he did have some delays (which clearly he doesn’t, and I have every reason to believe if he ever did you’d address them!) it’s still not her place to be trying to address them. He’s your child.

Have the space, maybe some time to think will lead to some reflection on her part but I doubt it. As for needing help if she’s been offered it that’s all you can do. Just like it’s not her place to be trying to interfere with your son, it’s also not your place to try interfere with her healthcare. Your role here is simply to protect your DS. She is an adult and can decide whether she wants help or not, and even if she’s cajoled into it it’s unlikely to work if she isn’t wholeheartedly going into it of her own volition open to it.

@frazzledasarock

My MIL, used to tell me her DC met milestones superduper early eg SIL was clean and dry by 1years old. So when older DC got it at around over three, and MIL was praising her, I pointed out she's a bit slow but I'm so relieved she's got it. And suddenly MIL announced SIL hadn't got it so early at all.

I think it's just a crazy excited granny thing, and she's also anxious that her precious grandchild is brilliant and ahead and better than all the other toddlers.

My MIL, utterly dotes on our girls and in her eyes they're super clever and really clever. I smile and nod and if she's anxious I let her know the HV are happy with their progress which reassures her.

It’s the opposite for OP though. MIL is obsessed with the idea that her grandson is behind and delayed and told OP that her and her husband aren’t fit to be parents.

Goodness, I didn't see your update OP.

It looks like her health anxiety coupled with not being able to see her grandchild is making her severely anxious.

Perhaps suggest to your DH he asks her to see her GP about this before contact with your DC is resumed.

@frazzledasarock

Oh sorry I misunderstood, i see what you mean now, she’s anxious because she wants him to be ahead. I get it :)

Still think OP’s MIL goes way beyond that. She doesn’t even sound like she likes her grandson or feels any sense of pride at all. Just criticism.

Sorry @ColdBrightClearMorning I hadn't seen OP's update. You are right the OP's MIL sounds like she's causing a great deal of distress but she also sounds very anxious to me, not nasty but terrified.

Covid has affected a lot of peoples health anxiety in very extreme ways. I've seen it at first hand a really good friend of mine has reacted really badly to the fear of dying, I'm thankful the vaccine is available.

I’m glad that at the same time as taking a step back you are also recognising that this is due to anxiety. Tell your husband that you support him and love him but you understand your MIL is unwell. I often see NC on here being used rather than what you’re doing is taking a step back and letting her ( hopefully) realise she is unwell and needs help.

@same4walls I do understand that re the 'fixing' it but at the same time she's clearly unwell and now alone during a pandemic, where life is upside down and I can't in all good conscious just leave her like that long-term whatever she has said. I've mentioned before that this isn't like her AT ALL so I really think it's down to the situation with Covid. She always had a very full and busy life previously and I think she's struggling and her focus on DS has become obsession.

Of course I'm going to prioritise protecting my child and I'm forever grateful that DH is the first to step up and put his foot down/have the hard conversations that need to be had in order to put us first, but I'm also hopeful that after a bit of space we might be able to help her or at least get her to see that this isn't her, this isn't what she's like. She would never ever have made that comment about us being unfit parents previously, it's just not what her nature is like and I've been with DH for 15 years so it's not like she was putting on a front until now.

It's really tricky, but at the moment I am trying not to worry too much and enjoying the time with DS as it's very clear now that her anxieties were starting to worm their way into my head too! That's all gone now she hasn't been coming over and DS is thriving, progressing nicely, eating me out of house and home :)