AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

Both mine (boys) didn’t talk until 3 years old.
Eldest one now works in communications for civil service, talks all the time, articulate etc - to point of being a bit of a bsher at times 😱

They were both just more interested on being active...got there in their own time

I haven’t RTFT but the one thing I learned very early on was to switch off, stop listening as soon as the speaker used the word «should». The only exceptions were teachers and doctors ;-)

“LOL, MIL, I know you are a lovjng grandma, but leave off the child development apps! You’re driving me mad! You managed perfectly well without them when DH was a baby and I don’t want to hear another word about what he should or shouldn’t be doing. Use your iPad for erotica and ordering from Amazon like a normal person “

Lots of replies thank you so much to everyone who has posted! Some brilliant advice.

She actually came over today and had written down a long list of all her concerns. There were so many things on it and to me, most of them are just DS being a baby and exploring his environment. It IS unnerving though to have this constantly. At first I was ready to hit the roof but actually it was quite useful as it gave us the chance to say okay, thanks for your concerns, noted and if we feel these things are an issue at 18 months we will raise them with the most appropriate professional. Until then, let’s draw a line under it now.

A few people suggested reducing contact/cutting her out of our bubble and DH has threatened to do that but I’ve talked him out of it 😳 because she’s usually fantastic and I know lockdown is hard on everyone. I wouldn’t want her to be alone the whole time.

However she wasn’t particularly pleased with our answer to her list - I really thinks she thinks her iPad reading has made her an expert so I think I may possibly have to take a few of the suggestions on this thread.

I like the one about clapping her hands together for her 😂 it really made me laugh.

As I said I don’t want to cut her off, she’s usually a brilliant mother in law and I’ve never had a problem with her before. I’m hoping it’s the boredom and cabin fever of lockdown that’s driving it but I’m going to be a LOT firmer from now on and stop worrying about upsetting her. DH is much harder in terms of how he responds to her than I am so I am grateful for that - not that it’s stopped her!

Oh and incase anyone wants the list:

She thinks he “sensory seeks” because:

He chews on everything including toggles on our clothes and his dressing gown belt.

Occasionally he will sit down and open and close his legs (in a V Shape) because he obviously likes the sensation. He will sometimes do it while lying down too. But doesn’t do it all the time.

He likes to touch fabrics - this is a new thing - like the side of his travel cot, cushions, blankets, feel the ridges on his spoons etc

• I mentioned previously, he used to watch a particular light when he was a baby. Still grins at lights when they are switched on and off.

• sleeps with a comforter. It’s very soft and he rubs it on his face or twiddles it between his fingers to get to sleep [I used to do this!]

• he is quite “kicky” when you try to get him to sleep but settles down quite quickly.

She also thinks he suffers from sensory overload because:

He doesn’t like having his teeth brushed. He used to but stopped when more teeth started coming through and now prefers to chew it. He will let me brush them briefly then push the brush away.

He doesn’t like having his nails filed or cut. Unless I’m filing mine then he will come and hold out a finger to try it before snatching it away.

He slaps his hand down on his high chair tray sometimes. Sometimes moves the same arm up and down when excited but not all the time.

He is interested in faces at the moment and often tries to grab facial features. Not sure what this has to do with sensory but hey ho.

He’s started putting his toys in and out of things. Apparently this isn’t playing with them properly.

He bounces on his feet when excited or seeing someone he loves/knows. He loves his bouncer so this isn’t surprising!

He wasn’t walking and this was a concern - now he’s toddling between things but apparently he’s not “keen” which is “odd”.

There are more but this is just to give you an idea of the things she’s picking up on every visit. For what it’s worth I am not worried about these things - he’s a baby who is exploring his surroundings and the people close to him. The nails/teeth thing I think is perfectly normal now he’s more aware of things.

It’s exhausting. I’m hoping however that this very long list has given us the chance to actually say we have drawn a line under it and we will seek help if we feel it’s needed.

If it doesn’t work, I feel armed with some different tactics thanks to this thread and IL pleased to see people don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Then, I will agree with DH and go ahead and cut her from our bubble but I really want to avoid this if possible, I don’t want her to be lonely and stuck on her own.

Bloody hell, must be stressful. Ds was 17 months when he actually took more than one step, and was 2 and a half before he became confident in speech. He's five now and speaks very well, clear and comes out with interesting words that we didn't know he knew. My niece was a chatterbox at 18 months and is still now. All children are different and hit the milestones at different times, my mum was a bugger for comparing what ds and dn were doing as there is only 4 weeks between them. Just go with if you feel its right

Thanks @CuddlyDudley
Weirdly her massive list has made me feel much more confident about DS I’m not sure why. It’s also made me feel really protective of him - I am not going to accept her constantly picking him apart when he’s literally just setting out in the world

He’s started putting his toys in and out of things. Apparently this isn’t playing with them properly.

Tell her that you looked into this and it's a part of child development called schemas. Ask her if she could read up on those on your behalf. Will keep her happy and busy, and hopefully she'll be a bit more enlightened about normal play as a result!

Thanks @PowerslidePanda I knew it was a normal part of development but didn’t know it was called that! Just had a read, he’s definitely interested in the trajectories and rotation schemas at the moment as well

Good lord I wouldn't be able to put up with that, fantastic in other ways or not what you say implies she's like a dog with a bone. Your child is not her son to 'fix'.
I know she's in your bubble, but clearly she is spending far too much time with you, especially to be coming up with complex lists like your example.
I think as ftm's we are often so worried about not upsetting others, we actually don't put our children's feelings first. The fact you've addressed her concerns more than once would imply she's not respecting you as a parent.
My main concern would be what her approach will be at each milestone, nursery school etc best to be firm now.

I think your mil sounds like she is struggling herself for some reason. Wherever she is getting her information from is wrong for a start. All of the things on the list are completely normal for the age. Your son is definitely not behind - he sounds pretty average! I would be a bit worried about this obsession she has developed - does she honestly not realise that there is nothing wrong with him? Or see that it's weird to keep going on about it? Could she have Munchausen's by proxy?

I’d tell her she can’t be in your bubble anymore now he’s over 1

I am actually more worried about her than him and it’s part of the reason I don’t want to leave her on her own. This isn’t like her, and she’s become very obsessive as you can see. A lot of those things on the list are things I mentioned in passing previously to DH while she was there “oh he’s still not letting me brush his teeth properly”
Etc which I have obviously now stopped doing. But she’s stored up every bit of information.

I think DS is pretty average too, not advanced, not behind, just doing his own thing - with lots of smiles and giggling :)

@Ginandshinythings it’s a very valid point -
I’ve got to the point where I’m not going to put up with this any more but I really don’t want to cut her off especially with the circumstances being what they are at the moment

But her a switch and some games? Only half joking

Good grief DH needs to tell her to wind her bloody neck in!!!

As an aside my dd met every single one of her milestones and has a diagnosis of ASD.

I don’t want her to be lonely and stuck on her own.

But she's not giving a shit about your feelings is she? She doesn't care that she's stressing you (and your DH and very soon when his comprehension increases, your son) with her comments. She's been told to stop and hasn't, has in fact upped the ante with The List. Time to put her in her place, which is not Judge and Jury over your child.

You’re right @ImnotCarolineHirons I just hate the idea of anyone being lonely at the moment.
I’m probably way too soft I know DH would have told her to stay away for a couple of weeks even before the list, so I’m clearly a glutton for punishment and should stop complaining. I’ll see how she is after today’s talk and if she’s the same, we will do it DH’s way. (He was happy to try and make her see reason I didn’t force his hand or anything, but each time we’ve talked about it he’s offered to talk to her and tell her we won’t be seeing her for a few weeks but that’s just felt so drastic.)

My MIL used to say things along these lines, offering her advice when I deliberately never, ever asked her for any. Mostly because she's an opinionated pain in the arse. She would also go on about midwives and health visitors, 'what do they know?' Used to do my head right in. Took a major step back from her and she got the message. Thankfully DH knows exactly what she's like and dealt with it.

Wow that list is way over the top . Sounds like she has made your DS her lockdown project, is she retired and not got a lot else going on?

Can you and DH between you try and divert her energy elsewhere I.e. online fitness classes ,learning a language , is there any volunteering she can do in her area with the vaccines/shopping for people who are shielding etc. She needs to fill her time/mind with something else really badly.

I would speak to her again both you and DH ,agree what you will say in advance and present a united front. I would want to know why she is always being so negative about your DS, doesn't she love him/like him as he is? Maybe that might make her uncomfortable and get out of her what is really going on there. Explain that all this negativity is making you very anxious , this is a difficult time and this worry is making things worse not better. She's supposed to provide support in a support bubble not make everyone feel worse. Explain you would need to end the support bubble if this doesn't change.

I know you are reluctant to do that but for the sake of your own mental health you may need to. And 13 months is early for talking , you wouldn't expect more than the odd word at that age, and as long as they walk before 18 months that's considered normal I think. If the HV isn't worried then she doesn't need to be.

She wrote a list ! A list is very out of order and frankly strange and rude.
Your descriptive post above and the things he does or doesn’t do seem normal to me, I laughed at the high chair one (sorry but all babies do that) - he’s a baby for goodness sake. She is making you see things that just aren’t there.
Lastly - a support bubble is supposed to be for family support for you, not the other way around. I’d be saying you don’t need it now, thank you.

OP - I think you need to let your DH deal with this and stop letting this happen to you.

That list is unacceptable, either she needs proper support or she is toxic. Either way, she needs to stop doing it around you and your child because every time she says it in his ear shot she is upsetting you both.

Honestly I would be really worried if my 13 mo couldn’t do some of those things. Clapping and not being able to point is the main one. It’s not just autism that these are red flags for (eg calcium or vitamin d deficiency). I also think the right walking age needs to be gaged by your family history - 18 months is when the NHS refers. But the NHS conflates cruising and walking. If he isn’t even cruising by 13-14 months hv will do a referral.

So I think this is a combination of her being too concerned and you not being enough. I guess if it were me I would be calling my hv with her concerns not complaining about her.

She sounds like a total fucking pain!
Sympathies, OP

My DD is about 3 weeks younger than your DS and does all of the things in your list (except we don’t have a magic lamp sadly). I would be really furious if my mum (who is in our support bubble) came out with a list like this but I think it’s easier for me as DD is my third baby so I KNOW that she’s completely normal.

I think her behaviour is incredibly rude and I would actually start being very rude back to her every time she tried it. Some sort of stick phrase you can repeat like ‘You are wrong and we’ve asked you to stop this’ said very firmly.

My main worry wouldn’t be her feelings it would be the possibility that she keeps up this anxiety-driven criticism of your son as he grows up. I would hate to have that around my kid once they become more aware.