AIBU to be annoyed with MIL’s constant “he should be” comments?

[Marypoppinsbrolly]

We got MIL an iPad for Christmas and she was thrilled - but since then she’s become addicted to child development apps and websites that list all the milestones etc.
Now every time we see her (she’s in our support bubble - DS was under 1 on the 2nd December) she makes a comment such as “he should be clapping by now” or “he really should be walking properly by now, not just doing a few steps between things”

DS is 13 months and doing just fine - well I think so. At first I thought it was nice she was taking an interest but now it’s starting to get to me. It’s like she’s planted a seed and even though I know he’s doing fine at the moment, I’ve started to study his behaviour a bit more and worry a bit.

She’s obsessed with autism red flags and keeps bringing up the fact that he doesn’t like his hands touched - he quite happily holds your hand but he doesn’t like it when you try to make him do something - ie hold his hands and clap them together - unless he’s in the right mood. And she keeps trying to make him point or wave all the time -
I’ve now stopped that and told her not to he will get to it in his own time.

He does sort of point but with his hand or fist not a finger and MIL is obsessed with it, as well as the fact that he used to love one of our lamps as a baby (and still grins at it when we switch it on or off then quickly loses interest).

I love MIL dearly, I have no other gripes about her and we are usually very close but this is really starting to annoy me. DH has had countless words with her and explained why it’s wearing and that she should just enjoy DS and it will stop for a week then creep back in.

It’s like she fancies herself as a child behaviour expert. She was here for our video 12 month check up as well and latched onto the fact he scored lowest on communication (he isn’t talking yet) and keeps saying “I’m just saying, as he’s really delayed in his communication” which isn’t what they said at all.

I’m probably a bit over sensitive as DS is my first and we haven’t been around many other babies due to Covid so to be honest it IS hard to know what’s normal really, but I wouldn’t have even had this thought if MIL hadn’t started piping up all the time.

I just wanted to vent I think.
Am I being mean? I know it comes from a good place because she cares and wants the best for him, but I feel like it’s now actually stressing me out a bit

@GrumpyHoonMain it's absolutely normal not to clap or point- the baby might not enjoy the sensation of that, but has clearly got other motor skills going on as he's putting toys in and out of things at the moment. And not walking at 13 months is absolutely normal too- in the group I'm in for my daughter, the babies are all 17-20 months, and I can think of at least 2-3 who are just starting now, and lots more who started at Christmas so 15-16 months- probably a good 15% of the babies. I think you need to calm down a bit in your expectations, there will be SOMETHING your little one doesn't do right on schedule I'm the future and it's completely normal.

@GrumpyHoonMain he has clapped once or twice but slowly - as in putting his hands together slowly - just not what we would consider clapping so I think he’s getting there. He also gestures/points with his hand to what he wants so again, think he’s getting there and the HV said by 18 months he should be pointing until then as long as he’s gesturing to what he wants and following our point she’s not concerned. I’m interested in what you said about calcium deficiency though, why would that affect ability to point/clap? He has a vitamin supplement daily and still has formula before bed, plus a good variety of food so I would be surprised if he was vitamin deficient in any way.
He’s very nearly walking so I’m not worried about that and mimics us in other ways.

Just to throw in another example of children developing ah different rates - my eldest walked at 15 months and could string three word sentences together by around 22 months. Youngest is now 19 months, he walked around the same time as his brother but still doesn’t have any words although his understanding is brilliant. He goes to nursery, the same one his brother went to so they know what he was like too, and they aren’t concerned about him at all even though not having any words at 18 months would be seen as “delayed” on an arbitrary tick box assessment.

Oooof she’d written a list?! Fair dos you’re an angel, I could cope with the occasional batshit comment but a list would’ve sent me doolally! I’ve relaxed a lot - well I let other people cuddle them now - as the boys got older but was massively over protective for both in the first couple of years!

Honestly your boy sounds adorable and totally normal, yes there are schemas and what not but he’s obviously engaging in the world and happy and he’s probably done some things ahead of the curve, some things bang on it and some things slighter later than ‘normal’ as they all do!

I think your MIL needs to tone it down completely!

Understand she's discoverer all these apps etc & probably has an overload of information

Unless you or DH have concerns about your baby's development then I wouldn't stress it

Unless the clinician doing the review had concerns which they expressed, I would have take on board what MIL said

He sounds entirely within the normal range of milestones for his age. I second the idea of checking MIL's milestones- 'can you touch your toes? How far can you run? Can you do online banking & emails? Tell me the correct spelling of paediatrics' - annoy her & she might get the message!

DH has spoken to her numerous times and told her that milestones are set exactly and there’s a broad normal window and that even if he was delayed it wouldn’t be up to her to remind us every visit or take it upon herself to try to “fix” the issue. She says this as well which annoys me “not talking yet? Nanny will fix it come on let’s have a chat” he doesn’t need fixing ffs.

I think it rankles as well because there’s this underlying suggestion that if he was delayed or autistic he would be less than perfect and need fixing in some way. But as I said I may be over sensitive! It’s been tough to be a ftm in lockdown.

This would have been my limit where I would told her to fuck right off. My son has ASD and ADHD and he’s right where he’s meant to be and doesn’t need fixing. When he was smaller I had all sorts of “helpful” comments from family and friends (who are no longer friends) like “leave him with me for a week and I’ll straighten him out!” Like it was somehow my parenting that had given him the issues he had. It made me feel like a lousy mother but even worse, like they thought my lovely but challenging boy was somehow not good enough to them.

Honestly, I’d stop being so nice about it and shut it down very firmly every single time. And as someone else said upthread start firing back with signs of dementia in her. Although having said that with her obsessing about this, her poor social skills (not taking the fucking hint and shutting up) maybe she’s on the spectrum herself? 🤔

[quote Marypoppinsbrolly]@GrumpyHoonMain he has clapped once or twice but slowly - as in putting his hands together slowly - just not what we would consider clapping so I think he’s getting there. He also gestures/points with his hand to what he wants so again, think he’s getting there and the HV said by 18 months he should be pointing until then as long as he’s gesturing to what he wants and following our point she’s not concerned. I’m interested in what you said about calcium deficiency though, why would that affect ability to point/clap? He has a vitamin supplement daily and still has formula before bed, plus a good variety of food so I would be surprised if he was vitamin deficient in any way.
He’s very nearly walking so I’m not worried about that and mimics us in other ways.[/quote]
Because the symptoms can be very early signs of rickets and I do think how seriously this gets taken is a bit of a postcode lottery in the UK.

My son is nearly the same age as yours and when he was approx a year old I contacted my hv with my concerns due to his not clapping or pointing very much. She was also worried and referred him because here they do if baby isn’t clapping or pointing by 9-12 months (our checkup was delayed due to covid).

He takes Well Baby, takes in the equiv of at least 2 cups of cows milk per day, but had an unexplained calcium and vitamin d deficiency. So I don’t think you should write off all your mil’s concerns.

Sure if after HV clears him and she finds new stuff to stress you over then cut her off. But I would be trying to bottom out the concerns first - vit d / calcium even iron deficiencies can lead to pain for kids so better to rule it out.

Thanks @GrumpyHoonMain that’s interesting. At our health visitor check she wasn’t worried that he wasn’t clapping or pointing at that time, she said if it got to 18 months to give her a call but he doesn’t have much dairy as he doesn’t seem to like it, although I give him lots of calcium rich foods so hopefully he’s not deficient.
I’ll keep and eye on him, I’ve not heard of anyone having rickets for years so you’re right it’s probably not taken that seriously across the board.

He has a general multivitamin but I might look at some others

Well if he didn’t ‘sensory seek’ during the motor SENSORY stage of development (0-2 years) which is how they primarily learn at this stage that would be a red flag in his development. I think the support bubble is especially important for first time mothers and it needs to feel supportive but I do hear your concerns for her as she doesn’t sound quite right. I was a bit anxious about pointing and clapping with my first 🤣 I have a degree incorporating child development and get post natal anxiety so it’s a great combination. I’m happy to say my somewhat reluctant clapper is just way more serious and less into clapping than his sisters are/were. He’s also academically capable and there are no developmental concerns. Honestly your list sounds like a typical toddler. Please make sure you aren’t being too kind and that you can make this support bubble work to support you and not cause more stress.

And with pointing it’s more about shared attention and trying to show you things. As you said if there was anything about him that wasn’t entirely ‘typical’ that wouldn’t make him ‘less than’ anyway. The best we can do is give them opportunities to develop and enjoy who they are (most of the time )

@Anothermother3 very good points! He just doesn’t seem that interested in clapping he’s far to busy with his toys etc haha he lies to watch me clapping. And definitely does shared attention - brings us a book to read to him, rolls a ball to me and looks to check I’m getting it and rolling it back. He also brings us toys and will hand us toys if we asked feed us bits of his dinner (whether desired or not haha!) and will look up and make eye contact/grin while playing if we talk to him. He also LOVES praise and that’s usually how we get him to do most things. He’s very smiley and engaged and loves playing with me and DH or MIL, and whenever MIL arrives he starts bringing her toys to show her. He’s more physical at the moment I would say, very into climbing and speed crawling and being whirled around or bounced or using things as a step to try and climb onto stuff. I’m sure he will get to the other things when he’s ready.

As I said before I didn’t have any concerns previously but I think the constant picking has planted a seed with a few things and now it’s playing on my mind a bit but this thread is very helpful.

I think I am going to have to find a balance between not being too kind to MIL and not cutting her out completely. But I don’t want to become an anxious mess studying DS’s every move because of it!

I’ve just been reminding myself how far he’s come in the last week or two and will probably do the same in the next week or two as well.

I will keep an eye on his obviously and not dismiss all concerns but this has been a bit much and I’m inclined to agree with the posters who are pointing out I can’t be kind to MIL at the expense of us and DS.

.. inexplicable calcium deficiency ... There are some babies who can't digest cow's milk , many more of us after the age of approx 2. Vegans are healthy without any dairy at all, in fact they are sometimes clear of colds or allergies too.

B12 and omega 3s are important to take though.

@TheWernethWife

My ex-son in law didn't say a word until he was early 4, he was the youngest of 5 children.

He used to point at things and then his sisters ran around him getting them. Nothing wrong with him at all, pure laziness on his part.

My youngest son was like that. Didn't speak till nearly 2 didn't even attempt walking till about 2.6. Took him to the gp and they just laughed and asked whether his siblings ran round after him. Such a relief when the penny dropped that yes they did.

Yes please don’t pick things apart I remember at the phone health visitor check for my third who is a toddler she was only just okay for communication and it was purely because she didn’t really care about the tasks when I quickly tried to do them before the call. Because she’s my third I didn’t give it a second thought with my first if someone had mentioned that I would have been upset and worried. My youngest is now 19months and stringing words together she’s just not as much of a focus as my first child was because that’s what happens when you’re a third child 🤣. I hope that doesn’t sound patronising it’s supposed to be reassuring. I also feel sad that I haven’t enjoyed this phase as much as usual because of lockdown and I really missed all the baby groups etc where you can be tired, drink bad coffee and see all the babies are doing things in their own way. Hopefully you will be able to have that a bit more in the joy too distant future. He sounds like he’s doing things just as he should and probably prefers a puddle to having his hands forced into a clap. Who wouldn’t.

Your MIL is an absolute nutter. All of these things are typical of babies at 12 months. Babies chew everything and touch everything. What the fuck is she expecting him to be doing? The crossword?

Christ OP I can understand how horrible this is. My first dc didn't walk properly until 15-16 months and I started getting anxious, and those 'ages and stages' checks made me feel anxious about anything too, so if I had someone else laying it on this thick I'd go mad.

Oh and he never clapped or pointed for ages! I remember him copying another child at the doctor's by pointing and was so happy, but simultaneously knew how meaningless it was!

He also hated hair washing and cutting, hand dryers etc - it's quite common.

(DC is active, very bright, lovely child and when DC2 came along I was way more chilled out!)

Her forcing it is probably making things worse. Kids pick up on false situations. Don't pick it apart and just be led by what he likes doing. Dance around with him, make faces in the mirror, play duplo...

DS1 (8) has autism level 1 (Aspergers) and ADHD.

He walked at 9 months, pointed/talked/laughed/clapped/sat earlyish. He has reading/spelling age of a teenager.

Your MIL needs to educate herself. If she says it again, ask her, 'and how will you help us if he has additional needs?'.

Gosh that would drive me crazy. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable.

Every single time she says anything like this you don’t engage with the content of what she’s said, you reply in a kind but puzzled tone ‘MIL, we spoke about this and I asked you to stop doing this. Is everything okay? You seem really anxious’

Her behaviour will soon stop, I promise you. But it requires consistency on your part.

And if she tries to get DS to perform when she’s there, you step in and say ‘gosh, he’s not a performing monkey, give him a break’ with a slight laugh. Again, every time.

This behaviour is annoying to you but could end up being really detrimental to your (perfectly lovely and normal) DS. Nip it in the bud.

My 14m DS just started properly waving and clapping the other day btw! He’s normal in every other area but just wasn’t arsed about it until one day he did it under his own steam perfectly.

Unless a doctor or health visitor says there’s a problem, there isn’t. Keep reminding yourself of that. It’s one of the tragedies of parenting while in touch with so many other people online and in social groups that you find yourself not celebrating your baby’s achievements but instead breathing a sigh of relief they’ve ‘finally’ done something. Especially as so many parent groups are hyper competitive and all apparently have early walkers and talkers. There’s a wide range of what’s normal and your MIL certainly isn’t the person to be telling you to worry about his development. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s shit, but we can teach people how to treat us with a little perseverance!

The thing is, if she looks for pointers, there'll be something, somewhere on the internet that agrees with her.

That list she's given you is exactly what babies do!

That must be awful for you, could you deflect her into reading to your child or something more harmless. My aunt has a huge interest in childrens books and instead of being critical of the lack of reading being done with children in the family she almost single handedly took it on as a challenge. Huge research was done, reading lists were compiled and she really engaged all her nieces and nephews in a love of books.

Far from being unreasonable, OP, you really sound like you have the patience of a saint.

While I’d have no concerns about your DS’s development, your MIL’s obsessive behaviour regarding this does sound concerning. If she has never been overbearing before, is this new out of character behaviour? Are you her support bubble because she lives alone? In other times would she be seeing friends and pursuing interests? She definitely needs a different hobby! Hopefully, she’ll go back to her normal self when lockdown eases!

It does sound like she's become a bit obsessive and she seems to only be able to see things from her perspective.

I think you need to make it clear to her that if it turns out that her suspicions are wrong, which could well be the case, that she will have ruined one of the best periods of your baby's childhood for you by constantly adding unnecessary stress and worry.

I think you need to add also that if she's right, it will not mean DS needs 'fixing'. It's really rather upsetting that she sees her GC that way.

You've told her now that you want to draw a line under it. It may be an idea to change the subject immediately but forcibly if she starts again, every single time, and if challenged just say 'enough', pick child up and walk away. She needs to get the message.

Please try not to worry and enjoy your time with DS while he's small, it passes so quickly and these years are the ones most Mums look back on when they're grown.

Do not let her ruin that for you, OP.

I haven't RTFT, only the OP's post, but just to say that it all sounds completely normal to me (based only on seeing DS who is nearly 2 and his peers). DS is "behind" on his speech in the sense that he is only just starting to use words regularly. But his understanding of complex instructions and ability to follow them has meant that we haven't been worried. E.g. he won't use words for different foods, but if I say "DS, please would you take this orange peel into the kitchen and put it into the bin, then get your bowl and a banana and bring them here", he will do it. At 13 months he had no words at all, but could throw and catch a ball. They all pick different things up at different times - MIL needs to back off and let him do things at his own pace.